It may be happening to me again!

I can't believe I'm back.

So, many of you may remember my story. Wife of thirty years had 18 month affair and left for AP. So I started dating about six months after she left. Too soon? Maybe, but I felt therapy particularly EMDR had me in a good place. Dated a few women and then settled in a relationship with a nice woman I met online via Christian Mingle because that was important to me. We are both 58 yo, went to neighboring rival high schools and have very similar backgrounds and life experiences and she has a nice family and group of friends. She had been divorced a good bit longer than me. We both have children that are late twenties adults living on their own, so no issues there. We have been dating just over a year.

In terms of "friends" she has an ex who I had seen pop up in her messages ( I didn't read them) and he's not part of her ususal group. I've never met him but I have a weird vibe. Got assured "we dated briefly, weren't really good as a couple, but are now friends". He's nine years younger than us and I think that really flattered her at her age that someone that much younger would be interested in her. I know he's helped her with some things around her place before we met, putting up shelves, helping with furniture she bought on Facebook etc...I expressed some concern to her about being in touch with an ex, and she said "he's really not an ex, we only dated a few times". She also said at one point "you don't ever have to worry about Mr. X, that guy is just not very deep".

Things have been going well overall, and her lease is up and she is planning to move in to my house March 1. My gut was still feeling weird about this guy so I did what you shouldn't do and I went into her phone...Their texts were in her "recently deleted". Now, she normally never deletes text threads. Things were WAY too familiar (blushing emojis, "miss your cute face", when can I see you (both of them have said that), and even so far as both saying "I love you". She also mentioned how she got a new phone and the text thread came back, and that she'd always deleted their texts and now had to again. I travel for work, and when he asked to see her she sad "he's not away this week and a sad emoji" and "he's away next week maybe we can arrange something". He apparently blew her off and sounds like it happens a lot. He lives with a woman I should note. After him blowing her off she said "you did blow it this week, that's OK you just pretend you want to see me".

If not for my gut feeling (which i guess is different once you've been betrayed) there are no real outward signs. She's amazingly warm and affectionate, she's thoughtful, buying me little things for the house or foods I like, and just generally good to me. She's even helped me do some redecorating. My bous like her (they've met her a number of times) and my sister liked her a lot and even my elderly aunt who is the only family I have left in that generation thinks she's great. There are no issues in the intimacy department, it is regular and frequent and she intiates a lot.

I'm not going to live another infidelity nightmare. I know she'll go crazy that I went her phone too. I'd bide my time but we are literally just a couple weeks away from this move in.

Strangely, even though I love this woman I feel like with what happened with my ex I can never fully attach again and this one won't hurt as badly...

47 comments posted: Saturday, February 17th, 2024

WW wife leaving for affair partner, 30 yr marriage

Well here's my tragic story...

Me- BS (M57), WW (54) we have been married for a few months shy of 30 years. Whirlwind romance, and married about 1.5 years after we met. We have two adult male children, ages 27 and 24 who are on their own and doing quite well for themselves. I'd say we've had a pretty steady uneventful marriage. We have always gotten along great, rarely argue about anything important. We share a few solidly connected hobbies, such as playing golf together, but have also always willingly given time to the other for their pursuits. Importantly our values, religion, views of the world and thoughts on child rearing lined up really well, and the result was two amazing children that never let us down. She was an amazing mother to them and quite selfless at the time, which makes the selfishness of the betrayal all the more difficult to accept. As with many other couples at this point in a marriage, our intimacy had dropped a fair amount in last several years. I'm pretty quiet, and never pushed her when I got the sense she wasn't feeling it. All that said, our day to day life was pretty great, with more than a few people saying over the last few weeks how could this possibly happen to them.

On June 17, she said "We need to talk". It was pretty short: "I've been unhappy for awhile (NEVER once said so), and I want a divorce" She next moved into "ILYBNILWY" (where do they get that crap!)and I then asked the relevant question if there was someone else. She said yes. It has been going on for over 18 months. Some of it she clearly covered by saying she was going our with friends, which really wasn't that often, but I travel extensively for work and am gone 2-3 nights a week, every week. That's a huge window of opportunity.

My early attempts the first few days didn't go well (I was still in shock and a bit too emotional) and she stated "I've already moved on". She moved her stuff out within the week and is living with him.

Maybe there were warning signs, and I chose to ignore them a bit over the last six months or so. I'd call from the road and she always seemed a bit distracted. I'd wrap up conversations with "I love you" and a few times got back as little as an OK. Now...the woman is a hopeless non-romantic and doesn't even like Valentine's day so I brushed that off. She clearly had an amazing ability to compartmentalize her two lives. She even was clever enough not to use our Toll Pass going back in forth across the river to another state where he lives to avoid a trail.

Needless to say I'm totally shattered. I don't sleep, I've dropped 11 pounds, my BP and heart rate are way up and I'm now on medications. I did mention this to her the other day when I had to drop something off at her work, and there was only mild sympathy. I've known it for a long time, but the woman lacks empathy. I see it in the dynamic with her family, through this and other general interactions with others where that would be appropriate.

Speaking of her family, they've been very good to me over the years. Her parents love me like a son and squarely have my back. They have not spoken to her and have no plans to yet. They are headed for therapy themselves this week, and I worry about their health as they are both 80. Other than my kids, I have no local family.

Speaking of my kids, they have been absolute rocks for me throughout this and I am so proud. My oldest in particular is going to take a long time to come around. My youngest had a sit down with her, which got nowhere about two weeks ago and he didn't hold back. His finally line: "you always taught us to take the moral high ground, and now I see you as the biggest hypocrite ever". Ouch...Apparently that drew hysterical crying. Good!

There is NO path forward from my perspective. There have been few "I'm so sorry, but actions speak louder than words. The level of deceit and lies of omission and commission to be able to pull this off for so long is frankly unbelievable. She's living with him, so that seals it in my book. A week or so ago I had expressed that she could come back to our house and just live here in another room temporarily if things went badly; I've since wisely reversed course on that. This goes to even though she asked for the divorce, she hasn't filed saying she'd like me to stay there for a year so our kids have a fall back place if needed. That's crap, she's protecting her fall back position. She also hasn't changed her address, or moved out all of her stuff. I will be filing myself instead.

We have been super amicable on property division, agreeing on everything except my 401K, which is about eight times the size of hers. I'm working on that, and in her "fog" and some level of remorse I think I can make out better than straight 50/50.

My goal now is to get myself right, improve my health and demeanor. I told her going forward we will do everything by e-mail.

Thanks for listening. I'm still piecing together some things, but I think I know who it is based on some statements my MIL made. Stay tuned for that.

358 comments posted: Thursday, August 18th, 2022