Drowning......

So this is my first time posting and I truly do appreciate any feedback as I try to move forward. I'm really struggling to figure out what is normal anymore. If this is too lengthy, sorry in advance.
My husband and I have been married almost 20 years (Oct). About a year ago, I cheated on him while at a work conference with a guy that I have known for about 18 years. In all the years I have known this guy, I never ever considered cheating with him...until it just happened last August. It was as if something finally just broke. I have to add that the AP and I do not live in the same area. We are hundreds of miles apart and in the entire 10 month time period, I saw him 10 times total. For us, it was all about texting, emailing, facetiming. I enjoyed his company and he "acted" as if he really cared about me (yes, he was married as well).....About 5 months into the affair, my husband found out. He had gone through my computer...noticing an email from a girlfriend of mine...not the affair partner. He then proceeded to pick apart all my emails, text messages etc. When he finally confronted me, I didn't deny it. I ended up telling him pretty much everything. At the time, I asked to separate. He refused. I asked for space alone, he refused. My reasons were not to run to the affair partner...it was literally for me to have time to try to figure out if I was staying or leaving. I never asked my husband to stay with me or accept what I had done. I told him flat out that I was still talking to the AP, that I had to work it out on my own. For months, my husband tracked me, screamed at me, belittled me etc.

Finally by May, I had had it with both the AP and my husband. The AP kept telling me he loved me, but couldn't be with me. Then he kept saying he couldn't say no to me. I asked multiple times for him to let me go.......all kinds of crappy lies, that I knew, but I guess I didn't want to believe. My husband was acting crazier by the day. He has said a ton of really really horrible things. Maybe I deserve it, maybe I don't.

The end of May, I finally broke again. I called the AP's wife and I told her...I knew he never would, and I ended all of it. I apologized to her over and over, yes, I know I sound pathetic, but it was important to me. My intent was NOT, I'm now running back to mu husband. I told him I didn't feel the same and I didn't know if I could get back to where we used to be years ago. After my husband found out I broke it off etc., he of course acted as if life was good again. No, it's not! I found a marriage counselor and I scheduled sessions. Off and on, things were going "ok" between my husband and I, but I knew it wouldn't last. He is a huge proponent of digging up everything. He is very controlling, always wants to be the center of attention, thinks about himself before other, and has major anger issue. Oddly, I didn't ask him to fix it all, I only asked him to give me space.

For weeks he has tried to have sex, hold hands, act like a happy couple. It's hard for me as I don't know how I feel. Then the other night, all heck broke lose, he freaked out on me...screaming, yelling, jumped in his truck and went screaming away...all in front of our 13 year old daughter. I could care less about me, but to do it all in front of her. Unforgivable!
The next day, he tried to apologize, brushed it off and said he didn't know why he was so mad. I told him what he did was atrocious. He then showed up at my office, unannounced. No, there was nothing to find at my office, but a couple months ago, the AP came to my office when he was in town for an hour or so. My husband had asked if we were together then...I told him yes. Again, I haven't lied about any of it. My husband freaked out and told me he has demons and had to know where the AP and I were together. I said no, thats insane. What does it prove. To me its just more to throw in my face.
I can't take the back and forth. Yes, I cheated, yes, I was unfaithful, but when is enough enough? I am so tired of being verbally abused and not to mention, what he is doing to our kids is beyond excusable. Yes, I would love to pack up and leave, but I can't uproot the kids right now...and I won't leave them. No way!

For reference, my husband and I were having problems for over 5-6 years. Multiple times, I asked to go to counseling, he refused.

I'm not looking for anyone to say what I did was right. No, I know it was wrong, but I don't know how I feel anymore and I feel like I'm drowning every day.......any advice would be appreciated.

13 comments posted: Tuesday, July 26th, 2022