He couldn’t forgive me.

At the end of the day my soon to be ex decided he couldn’t forgive me. He couldn’t move past the betrayal. We had this discussion just this evening and I am heartbroken, stunned, and truly just lost at this point. I really thought we were on the road to reconciliation. But in the course of his own therapy he says he’s come to the realization that the betrayal is just too much for him to overcome and he doesn’t think he’d ever be able to fully trust me again.

I know many will say I have not right to be heart broken seeing how I’m the one who did this in the first place. But I am truly devastated right now. There’s more to say but for now this is all I can bring myself to write. I’m just looking at what seems like an empty future with no bright days ahead.

23 comments posted: Sunday, November 5th, 2023

How do you live with the hurt you’ve caused people’s besides your BP?

I am really struggling with this recently. A couple weeks ago my BH and I agreed to spend a few hours together on Saturday evening. We have been doing this for a while now. I would exactly call them dates but we at least are spending time together.

Well this particular Saturday we went for ice cream. This particular shop is very significant for us as we went there on one of our earliest dates and he made me laugh so hard that I was literally in tears. So I took him going there with me as a positive sign. He had told me not long after D-Day that none of our good memories mattered to him anymore because the person he made them with was a lie. And that I had killed all those memories for him.

Well we ran into his sister and her family who also frequent this place. A little background: my sister in law was one of my best friends before I dated her brother and in fact it was she who prodded him into spending more time with me alone in the hopes that we’d end up together.

So she is also completely betrayed by what I did. And I could tell that she was NOT happy to see me with her brother. While she didn’t say anything to me her body language and attitude made it clear that she wished I had been anywhere else. Like maybe at the bottom of Lake Erie. Her husband sort of awkwardly said hi to me and I got hugs from my niece and nephew but she was really cold the whole time and my husband kind of awkwardly mumbled something about us having somewhere to be and we left.

In his truck driving me home we talked about it and I said I understand that she probably hates me. My husband admitted to me that while she did once say he should reach out to me of it was what he wanted she also is of the opinion that he’s wasting his time and I can’t ever be trusted again.

I’ve really been struggling with this. I not only hurt him but also his sister/my friend. As far as I know she doesn’t try to talk him out of R but she also has made it clear to him she thinks it’s a bad idea. I can’t even really be upset with her. I just don’t know how I’ll ever fix this with her. Maybe it’s impossible. And if his family will never accept me again that will put a huge burden on him. The whole thing has left me depressed and not feeling good about our chances.

5 comments posted: Wednesday, June 28th, 2023

Our reconciliation so far.

When my father passed away in February my husband was so supportive. Not just of me but also of my mother and my siblings. It was a reminder of just what a really wonderful person he is.

He was there for me in so many ways in the days after my father’s death and leading up to the funeral. At the funeral he was a pall bearer and my mother literally leaned on him and my brother the whole time.

In the weeks after the funeral he and I spoke a lot. None of our conversations centered around our marriage or my infidelity. He just listened as I poured my heart out over my father and how badly I miss him. There were evening when he’d come to my place after he got off work and just sit with me so I wasn’t alone. He’d check in on my mother and my sister. He was just marvelous.

The he and I went into what I’d guess was a period of delayed hysterical bonding. We slept together a lot during this time. Like we’d never been together at all. It was like we were rediscovering each other? I can’t explain it. But this went on for a few weeks. In the time immediately after d-day my husband wouldn’t touch me, hug me or even hold my hand. He said the thought of touching me made him sick. So there was no hysterical bonding like I’ve read about in other cases of infidelity. Maybe that’s why this was so intense when it did happen. But I felt like this wasn’t the basis for restarting our relationship. So I decided we needed to have a real talk about our situation.

When we finally talked I begged him to please open up to me. Don’t be afraid to say what he’s feeling. I’ve poured my heart out to him about my father, can he please do the same with me? And he did. He sobbed and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to see. But he said that I’ve broken his heart and hurt him worse than anyone else has ever hurt him.

He said that he feels like our old relationship is dead, because the person he thought was his wife wasn’t real. That she was a lie. That all the memories we made together were tainted now. I could sense real pain and anger in his words. So I begged him, not for me but for him, to please, please get himself into therapy. I told him there’s no way we can ever work out if we’re not both in therapy.

I asked him point blank if he really wants to reconcile with me. Because there is nothing in the world I want more than to be with him, to earn his trust and his love again. And he said yes. He’s agonized over it but he can’t see a life without me in it. So I said again that if it’s going to work he HAS to be in therapy. And he agreed. He finally agreed to therapy.

We agreed that while we had both enjoyed our last few weeks that maybe we shouldn’t be sleeping together? It was with real regret that we decided this, but for now it seems like the right decision.

So my husband has started therapy. He says he likes the therapist. He’s seen her twice. I know he’s got a ton of issues from his childhood and the damage from my actions as well to work out. I am continuing my therapy of course. And I must say I have seen and big improvement I’m my relationships with other people. Particularly my sister who I used to blame for our poor relationship but I’ve realized that I was truly the spoiled brat she always told me I was. She is another person who I’ve been working on my relationship with.

I don’t have much else to type right now. Except that my husband and I do go on "dates" on Saturday or Sunday every week. Usually for walks in the park or something like that. Just so we can be around each other, which is nice. I do enjoy just being with him. And he’s started to hold my hand again when we’re together which I also think is very nice. It’s a beginning I guess.

9 comments posted: Saturday, April 22nd, 2023

My BH’s revenge affair.

I have been trying to collect my thoughts about everything that has gone on in my life since my father passed away. It has been a whirlwind of emotions and I feel like I’m stressed out over everything. But things have been better between my BH and I.

First off he was amazingly supportive during the weeks immediately after my father died. He held me when I needed it. He was there for me and my family and he mourned with us. He once told me he loved my father more than he loved his own father.

He and I I believe had a period of delayed hysterical bonding in the two weeks after the funeral. I will post more about that later this weekend. That post is going to be much longer.

This post though I want to just get my thoughts about his revenge affair down and hopefully get some feedback.

He’s been totally open with me about the situation and I have read texts between him and the woman. Some of it was hard for me to read as she talked about how much she enjoyed doing things with him that I also enjoyed. But, part of me realizes that I am the one who brought another person into our relationship first.

I know I may be foolish but I believe that had I not cheated he would never have done it either. I asked him to be honest and tell me why he did it. I can understand that part of him wanted to reclaim some of his confidence and masculinity I guess I could say? But he also said yes he did it to hurt me. As they say hurt people hurt people.

I know that when I moved out there was no definite answer as to whether or not our marriage was over. We were in a grey area and he was hurting, he wanted to lash out and he also felt emasculated by what I had done.

He swears to me he hasn’t had any contact with this woman since last year around Christmas when he was feeling depressed and alone. I believe him. Maybe I’m naive but I saw in his eyes and I believe him.

I feel like part of me deserves the pain of knowing he was with someone else but it still hurts. He also said he’s sorry he hurt me, he shouldn’t have done it but he’s been in such bad pain since he found out about my affair that he hasn’t even been thinking right half the time.

I finally got him to see that therapy is his best bet. First off I don’t believe our reconciliation can work if he’s not in therapy. He told me there are still times when he has mind movies about me and my AP and he gets depressed or angry all over again. I told him therapy has helped me so much. And I want him to not feel this pain anymore! Even if he discovers that the only way to move on is to not be with me, I really just want him to be happy.

So he’s starting therapy next week. He also hasn’t had a drink since Christmas which to me is wonderful news. I am going to make a longer post about our situation around the time of my dad passing away and how we both decided to try to reconcile, I’ve also realized I have other relationships to try to repair that were collateral damage.

14 comments posted: Friday, March 31st, 2023

I took what I consider a major step yesterday.

My BH and I have decided to attempt reconciliation. This is a longer story and I will post about it I. The Reconciliation forum as soon as I can organize my thoughts about the last six or so weeks.

Anyway one of the conditions my BH set for reconciliation was that I cut mine of my best friends out of my life. She knew about my affair, encouraged it and even offered to help me lie to my husband. To her (and me at the time) it was all some big adventure. Well my husband has read all the texts between us about it and stated that he cannot move forward with me is she’s still in my life.

There is nothing more important to me right now than trying to make this work so I had a difficult conversation with her last night. She feels she did nothing wrong, she simply felt she was standing by her friend. But he also feels betrayed by her because he considered her a friend and trusted her too. So after much arguing I told her I was sorry but I understand his feelings of insecurity about our friendship.

She says I’m letting him control me and I’ll be sorry in the end. I don’t feel he’s trying to be controlling at all. He’s given me full access to his phone, email, and social media as after we separated he had a revenge affair. I have full access to his conversations with this woman and believe him that he hasn’t had contact with her since last fall. He’s also stopped spending time with his one half brother who encouraged him to be with this woman. I also have some thoughts about his revenge affair and will make a separate post about those thoughts soon. Posting here is very therapeutic for me.

I feel like these are steps we both needed to take to try and build some trust between us. I will provide more details about how we arrived at our decision to try to reconcile. It’s been just a roller coaster last six or so weeks for both of us and I think we realized we both want to try to make this work.

4 comments posted: Saturday, March 25th, 2023

Thank you to all.

I want to thank everybody on here who has commented on my posts over the last year or so. I will probably not be posting for a while. Unfortunately my father lost his battle with cancer this week and I am dealing with this devastating loss right now. I have to put everything else on the back burner for now. This includes my reconciliation with my WH. He and I have of course talked about this and he is totally in agreement that my number one priority right now is my family, especially my mother who is understandably completely distraught. We all knew this was coming but that doesn’t make this easier. I’ll say one more thing. My BH has been amazingly supportive of me and my family these last few days and I am grateful that he’s there for us even with all he and I have been through.

I have no idea when I’ll be ready to move on with my BH. He did say that he wants to give us another chance. Before my father went into the hospital for the last time my BH agreed that he needed to go back to IC which he had stopped going to. Hopefully when things settle down some he and I will be able to try to start a new relationship together. I know it’s not going to be easy. I have so many things I need to work on. He told me to just take my time with my family and when I’m ready to talk about us he’ll be there. So this is goodbye for now. I hope to post an update (hopefully positive) someday.

11 comments posted: Monday, February 20th, 2023

I’m going to see my BH for lunch today.

I was almost total no contact with my BH since late September. This was what he wanted and I respected his wishes. There was one email from him proposing that we go through a mediator for our divorce and see if we could work things out without having to go to court. I agreed to this and we’ve gone back and forth trying to find a mediator.

He contacted me on Wednesday and I figured he had found someone. But he asked if I’d like to meet for lunch today. He didn’t really say why he wants to see me and I’m not going to dare to get my hopes up that he wants to reconcile. I know the damage I’ve done and that he may never be able to forgive or trust me again.

But I do want to see him again. I won’t lie he’s been on my mind constantly these past few months. I know it’s ridiculous sounding since I caused the drama but I do worry about him. I haven’t told anyone except for my sister who said she’s hoping against hope he wants to try and save our marriage. She has been such a rock for me. Our relationship was never great before all this. She always told me what a selfish spoiled brat I was but I never saw it. But the wonders therapy has worked for me! I know now that I HAVE been a spoiled brat most of my life.

So I’ll go into this lunch hoping for the best but bracing for the worst. And I’m hoping that I can apologize to him and this time it will be sincere. At first I was only worried for myself. What would family and friends think of me when they found out? That sort of thing. I have almost no thought to how badly he must have been hurt. I need to apologize to him for that too. Wish me luck.

30 comments posted: Monday, February 6th, 2023

A hard realization.

I have come to realize that our attempt at reconciliation was doomed from the start. Not because of anything my STBX did. But because of my own actions. I was selfish even after I admitted my affair to him.

All my thoughts and fears were over what was going to happen to me, what other people would think of me. I have almost no thought to him. To the kind of pain he must have been feeling. Even after he basically threw me out I only felt sorry for myself. I again gave almost no thought to his feelings. The shame he must have felt to admit to people that his wife slept with another man. How that must have made him feel. Thinking of this isn’t pleasant and it makes me feel disgusted with myself even more.

How could I have continued to be so selfish? Even after crushing this man’s life I still thought of myself first. I reflect back that back when he would still talk to me once a week a lot of my conversations with him were centered around the effects this was having on my life. He must have sat there and thought of what a selfish immature person he had the misfortune of marrying.

He didn’t deserve this. He really didn’t. He’s not perfect, who is? But he was a good husband and he’s a good man. I want him to know that. This shit reflects poorly on me and not on him. I honestly can’t even begrudge him his revenge affair. It hurt that he did it but again all I thought of was ho it made me feel. I have no thought to what he must have been going through to act that way. He certainly never showed any interest in other women before all this happened. He’s so handsome and other women would try to flirt with him sometimes even when we were together. He used to laugh and tell me I was the only one for him. I’m so sorry for hurting him. I really am.

A part of me wishes I could tell him this. And apologize sincerely this time. I know he wouldn’t believe me but in the last year I have changed. I’m still a work in progress but I really think I have made so much progress in the last almost 11 months that I’ve been in IC. Rant over for now. I appreciate this place where I can come and vent from time to time.

He asked me if I’d rather go to a mediation when it comes to the divorce. That’s been our only conversation for a long time. It was brief, almost professional. It hurt but I think that might be for the best. There isn’t a lot for us to really fight over as the house was his before we were married.

These will be the first holidays since we separated. Even though he knew about the affair before last Christmas we were still technically together. It hope he spends it surrounded by family and friends. I know I will. I’m still trying to rebuild some of those relationships. His sister (my former best friend) is a lost cause and a few of our friends group seem to have forgotten me but I have my sister and I have a couple of my oldest friends still.

2 comments posted: Tuesday, December 6th, 2022

I didn’t answer his call

My BH called me tonight. I was just watching some movies and getting some things organized flame my phone started ringing. I saw it was him. He asked for NC and I’ve respected his wishes. I had a hundred thoughts go through my head. Was he calling to say he misses me? Was he calling to tell me he hates me? Could he be drunk dialing? I knew he’s been sober for a while now and I hope that wasn’t it. But I didn’t answer because I was a coward. He didn’t leave a voicemail. I hope I did the right thing,

5 comments posted: Sunday, October 30th, 2022

Finding out I’m not really alone.

Even since my husband filed for divorce and went NC, I have continued my IC. I feel like I have made a breakthrough in my therapy that goes a way toward explaining my "why". Not just why I sabotaged my marriage but other self destructive things I’ve done in the past. Some days I wish I could tell him "Hey I’ve really made some strides. I just want you to know this. I understand that you don’t want to be toy but I want you to know I’m working really hard to not be that person who betrayed you anymore.

All through these days I’ve felt so alone. I’m at a new job where I’ve set firm boundaries for my when it comes to making friends. A lot of my friends that I shared with my husband have either cut me off of been outright rude to me. It’s something I can understand as in a way I betrayed them too. But it does hurt and I’ve felt alone.

My relationship with my parents is still strained to say the least. The still believe that all I have to do is beg my husband and he’d have me back. But I try to tell them he specifically asked me to not contact him. I miss him, I still love him but I know the right thing for me to do by him is to honor his request and leave him alone. On top of all that I’ve done it would be unfair for me to keep trying to contact him.

Last week one of my friends (who I met through my husband) contacted me out of the blue to ask how I was. I was very careful in my conversation as I wasn’t sure she was just fishing for dirt. Well she asked if I’d like to go to lunch Saturday and anything I didn’t want to discuss was off limits and she just missed me. So I took the plunge and we went to lunch. It was somewhat awkward at first but we ended up having a nice lunch. Eventually I opened up to her a bit about my guilt over my actions and told her how sorry I am that I betrayed so many people. She told me that mistakes happen. There I had to stop her. I told her that this was beyond a mistake. It was a betrayal of the person I held most dear in my life and who felt the same about me. I was just too selfish and blind to realize it at the time.

She said she’s seen my husband a few weeks ago and he seemed so lost. That hurt really badly and I asked her to please give him the support he needs right now. I know it sounds so hypocritical of me but I do worry about him. She did say when he spent the evening with friends that he did abstain from drinking the whole time which made me feel good about him.

7 comments posted: Monday, October 24th, 2022

Going to see BH for the first time since he filed.

We have worked it out that I am going to go to his house Sunday to pick up all the stuff that I left there when I moved out. There are things there that mean a lot to me and although right now I still don’t have my own place I am going to put them in storage. He had been firm that, no, I cannot continue to leave them at his house. I understand this as it must be difficult for him to have my belongings there.

My sister is going to come with me. For the first time since all this happened she has actually been understanding with me and apologized to me for some of her snide comments. I poured my heart out to her about how badly hurt I am that he doesn’t want to reconcile with me. I really thought we had a chance.

Anyway he says this is part of him getting on with his life and I can understand that. It’s going to be very emotional for me to go back to that house that we once shared and planned to have a family in. I am reminded that before D-Day we were planning a trip to Hawaii for fall of 2022. Now that money is going to lawyers.

I understand this is all my fault. I brought this on with my selfish self destructive decisions. But it still hurts so badly to know I’ll never be with him again.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, October 5th, 2022

Quick update.

Hi all. I haven’t posted in quite some time. I’ve been living in a fog the past few weeks. My husband decided to go ahead and file for divorce. I was shocked by this as he hadn’t said anything about it and we were communicating right up until the day I got served. He then asked me to please not contact him at all as he needs to move on with his life. His reasons are that he has given it a lot of thought and he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to trust me again and he can’t live the rest of his life wondering what I’m up to every time we’re not together.

At this time I’m honoring his request and not contacting him. As far as the divorce I guess we’ll let our lawyers work things out but he wasn’t to make it as painless as possible for both of us. I agree and I told him many times since DDay I had no interest in going after his house (he owned it before we even started dating) or his pension or anything. I am hurt of course that he doesn’t think I will ever earn his trust back. He also didn’t mention the fact that he also slept with another person after he found out.

No one at all seems to think I’m justified in being hurt by him sleeping with that other woman. Even my lifelong best friend kind of said "Well you can’t really blame him." I’m feeling very alone right now. My parents are mad at me, his sister who was one of my best friends hates me. My own sister loves to throw it in my face my life is a disaster. The friends I shared with my husband mostly seem to have cut me out of their lives.

So I won’t be posting for a while as I’m just still trying to wrap my head around everything that has happened.

3 comments posted: Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Had to create a new screen name.

Hello all,

I have been posting here as JustPlainLost for a while now. Unfortunately I somehow got locked out of my account. After several attempts to change my password and contacting the mods for help I got no response. So I created a new screen name.

I had promised to give a more detailed account of my affair here since I never went into too many details. Mainly out of shame for what I’ve done and reliving my actions really is painful for me.

In December of 2020 I stared an affair with a coworker. It started with kissing after a Christmas party and quickly moved to meeting at a hotel not far from where we worked on five occasions. We also did things in his car in the parking lot at work on one occasion.

My reasons in my mind for this were because I felt unappreciated by my husband. I felt he was being too harsh on me over financial concerns and resented him for this. I not justifying what I did. I am giving the reasons that I used to justify my actions at the time.

Also one of my friends from work was doing the same thing to her boyfriend and she made it out to be this fun adventure that she was having. Again I’m not blaming her. I knew what I was doing was wrong but I was looking for reasons to justify my behavior. So I did what I did.

I slept with my coworker on those five occasions between December of 2020 and February of 2021. I lied to my husband. I was cold to him. Pushed him away and was pretty much cruel to him leading up to this affair.

When my dad got sick in March of 2021 my husband was there for me in a way he had me been for a while. He loves my dad and he was so supportive of me. By contrast my AP got annoyed with me when I cancelled a planned netting with him so I could go to the hospital with my mom.

This caused me to have massive guilt over how I’d treated my husband and I broke down and cried and told him I was so sorry for everything. But still stopped short of admitting I had cheated on him.

I told my AP that I was done with him and didn’t want to see him anymore. He was terrified of our partners finding out and so was I and we said we’d never tell them. He went as far as getting a new job in the summer of 2021.

I ended up admitting my affair in November of 2021 out of guilt for what I’d done. I was having actual physical issues caused by nerves and guilt and again my husband was supportive thinking it was because of work related stress.

So after this he basically grey rocked my and we did live together for a while before head had one real bad blow up at me and basically threw me out of the house. I’ve been living first at my parent’s then with a friend since February of this year.

He admitted to me that he had a revenge affair over the spring with a woman he met through his job. Not a coworker but someone his job brought him into contact with.

We have been keeping in contact and having coffee once a week though. We have both been in contact with attorneys but we both have decided that we want to try and see if reconciliation is possible.

So last weekend when we met for coffee he asked me if I’d like to go to a baseball game with him last Saturday. I was nervous about this but I went anyway as we hadn’t spent any time together at all since before thanksgiving last year. We had a nice enough time at the game and both laughed a bit and enjoyed the game. So after the game when we alluded to our cars I kind of caressed his cheek a little and he took my hand and said "Not yet. I’m not ready for that yet." That was a little painful but I understand. That’s where we are right now. Tomorrow’s coffee meet up is off because he’s going to a concert in Pittsburgh with his half brothers.

14 comments posted: Sunday, August 14th, 2022