Wife of 20 years had 6 month affair

My wife (A 45f) and I (45m) have been married for nearly 20 years. We have two kids (15 and 13). In November of last year, my mom suddenly died. This was very hard on all of us, my wife included. I went into a deep depression that lasted until I started taking anti-depressants this summer. When I was in the worst of the depression, I was distant and barely able to focus or do day to day things. I also developed severe anxiety. My mother-in-law also developed cancer in January, though she has since recovered well. A started making a point to see her once a month for dinner.

In June, I started taking anti-depressants. They worked well and I started climbing out of the depression pit. In July, A went to see her mother the day before A's birthday. Something seemed wrong, since A told her mom she would be there for dinner around 5 and left our house around 7am. Midway through the day I became convinced that something was wrong. I checked our phone bill and saw that A had been talking for hours to a number I didn't recognize for several months. I still didn't have any idea what was going on, though. When she came home (very relaxed), I asked her where she had gone and she said she had walked around a mall for a while. This didn't add up, as no one can walk around a mall for 7+ hours, but I trusted her and decided not to make a big thing and ruin her birthday.

Flash to the end of August. We went to the beach with my sister-in-law for a week, and when we came back A had Covid, so we slept in different rooms while she was recovering. She mentioned that she wanted to see her mother again the coming weekend after she got better. For some reason, I decided to look at the phone bill again, and I saw that she had been on the phone for hours in the middle of the night while so sick that she couldn't get out of bed.

I confronted her. She admitted that she had been talking to a guy (J) that she knew a long time ago. I asked if she had seen him in person. She said yes. I was already reeling and so I asked if they had had sex. She said yes and my whole world burned to ash in a second.

It turns out that she had been seeing him since February. All those trips to her mom's were to have sex with him (she would visit her mom afterwards). She also told him she loved him.

I feel like my whole world is gone. I never doubted our relationship and I always thought we had a great marriage because we never fought and tried to give the other person everything they needed. But I guess I couldn't give her what she needed for three months after my mom died and she jumped into bed with someone else.

A says she wants to work it out with me. She's already told him that they won't have any contact again, and she had started therapy to stop seeing him before I found out. I want to work it out. I don't want to give up our life. But I am so hurt. I know most people get angry, but all I feel is pain. I don't want to sound like a romance novel heroine, but I cry for hours every day.

This is just so hard though. For mother's day, she said she needed to get away for a vacation by herself. I said, "Of course!" I was so happy that I could help her after I had been so distant. But he was there. It hurts so much that she didn't even try to get me to come so we could reconnect.

Thank you if you've read this far.

32 comments posted: Friday, September 16th, 2022