Cannot be physical

I don't know why, but I cannot be physical yet with my husband. We are 4 months post DDay, and I am trying to slowly hug, kiss, etc. and while spooning the other day I felt his erection and TBH it just makes me SO uncomfortable. Anybody else in this situation?

3 comments posted: Wednesday, January 11th, 2023

Let's talk about S_x baby, let's talk about you and me.....

Okay, so I started with a joke in the song (did you sing it to yourself?). And two posts in one day, sorry!

Keeping it simple. DDay was 8/27/22, so I'm fresh out of finding out for the second time that my husband cheated on me for a second time. First time was 3/14/18. Two totally different women.

How and when as the BS do you know when to have physical intimacy again? Or have sex??

Because right now all I can think of is how he did those things with other women. Cannot think of anything else right now. On top of that, he brought this last one to our home (which I wish I could burn down and move--not an option right now) since I haven't asked WHERE in our home they did the deed.

I've been reading comments on the WS forum and they're like "If she wasn't having sex with me I wouldn't be R" or "Not having sex or physical intimacy ____ months after DDay, there's something wrong".

Are there any other WS struggling with any type of intimacy, especially sex?

8 comments posted: Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

Attachment Theory (DA/FA) advice?

Good Afternoon to you all,

I've posted in here a couple of times. I'm only a couple months out from D-Day.

Both my WH and myself are in individual counseling. In this, both of our counselors are getting down to the deep, dark workings of WHY and WHO we are individually. In this, we have learned about our attachment theories. I am a dismissive-avoidant (DA), he is a Fearful/Anxious Avoidant (FA).

I'm learning about myself as a DA that I shut people out on purpose (feel trapped), due to how I was raised (we are thinking narcissist mother, haven't gotten to dad yet).I shut down quickly when triggered (learning my triggers). I shove down my emotions, as not to bother anyone else. I'm hyper-independent. I don't crave or need physical affection. I just assume others will let me down (cheat on me, which happened). I'm a people pleaser. These are just a FEW of the things I'm learning about myself. I avoid emotions at all costs.

Then there is my husband which is literally the complete opposite as an FA. From what I'm learning, we are magnets for one another, which equals a toxic, terrible relationship.

We are looking at starting marriage counseling soon, but thought that I'd ask in here to see if there are any FA/DA married folks that have positive stories to share.

4 comments posted: Tuesday, October 18th, 2022

Rules in place? Live together? Help!

Good Morning all,

I am fairly new to this forum, I posted a couple weeks ago about how I had just found out about my husbands 2nd affair while we have been married.

In the weeks since then, we have had lots of ups and downs. He's been in counseling (individual and group) for about 3 weeks now, and has come to the realization that childhood trauma led to various coping mechanisms, none of which were healthy. He has apologized profusely, is doing counseling to heal that trauma, and as he says he wants to be the person he's always wanted to be. He is doing literally everything (this time) that you "should" be doing as a WS. He is extremely remorseful, shares location, etc. I just started my own individual counseling last week (a totally separate counselor than him) and we have not begun couples counseling, yet. I think they're more concerned with healing his trauma for now.

I'd just like to know from your experiences, as I feel lost and don't know what to do.

I have set boundaries, which he is respecting, but as to not disrupt the lives of our children, am letting him stay upstairs on the sofa. He participates in all aspects (putting kids to bed, bath, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc)of our household and is amazing in that sense. This is where it is confusing because it's just like life was before.

I think since he IS still at home, we are having trouble on how to navigate life right now "not" as a couple. Or should we be acting as a married couple? Or do I tell him to find a place to stay for the time being?

This is all so incredibly confusing!!

What did you do, what was your experience? And are you still together?

8 comments posted: Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

How many blows can one person take?

New here. Not exactly the most fun club to be in....still.

To give some background information, my husband was previously married young, at 23, forced into marriage by religion and parents. Cheated on that wife.

We have currently been married for almost 8 years. In 2017, when I was 3 months pregnant, I found out that he had been having an affair with, and talking to multiple women. One of which was my best friend. The other he sees at work, still to this day. Kicked her to the curb, we got into counseling, as we already had a 2 year old child, and for the the sake of my unborn child and the idea of not wanting to have my kids come from a broken family like I did, I stayed. Had that baby in 2018. And we did a LOT of counseling and work. I thought things were going well. We had gotten pregnant with our third child (amazing surprise) and couldn't wait to welcome him or her. We welcome the baby in January 2022, and during an argument in February it all of a sudden "comes out, slips, gets off his chest" whatever you want to call it that he got the girl he was having an affair with in 2017/2018 pregnant, she had an abortion. All of this AFTER I had already told him when DDay happened the first time to lay it ALL OUT ON THE TABLE NOW. Granted, I don't know when he found out she was pregnant-- before or after the affair ended-- because honestly what difference does it make. So since February I've been trying to recover from that.

Then last week I get a message from a random chick. They've been having an affair for 10 months. My child is 8 months old. You do the math.

Confronted my husband, who up until now I don't think had hit rock bottom. He's there now, because he knows how serious I am and that I told him I'm done. In the past week, through counseling he's realized his childhood trauma has caused him serious damage (which I do have sympathy for him on, because no kid should have to go through that) that had turned him into an avoidant attachment love style, and sex/love addict. He's also admitted that none of that is an excuse, but he didn't know how to deal with those problems and like a drug/alcohol addict, got that "high" and ended up in the addict circle. Within the first 2 days of this second DDay he spoke with our counselor, got hooked up with a 12 step program and is being more transparent than I've ever seen. Oddly enough, I've never seen him this "light and airy". It seems like the world has been lifted off his shoulders. And he is extremely remorseful. Profusely apologizes daily. Sends me his location constantly. Has finally shared all of his passwords. Leaves his phone in the office when he's home. I could go on for all the things he's changed, but he said even if we don't work out, he wants to make himself better and become "whole" again after feeling broken for so long.

Like others in here, I don't know where to start. I set up boundaries (kicked him out of our room, no physical contact, etc.) and he is following/respecting them. I'm grown up enough now after therapy that I don't want to immediately disrupt our kids' lives and didn't throw all his shit to the curb lol. I know I don't have to make a decision immediately, but this current change feels so different than the last time, I have a slight bit of hope. I'm taking it day by day. My biggest thing is if I ever did decide to stay, how do I even begin to trust again. I guess his continued transparency would do that, but just so many what if's right now. He said his goal is to get a vow renewal for our 10 year anniversary to give me the beach wedding I never had. I told him I admire that goal. I mean, what else can I say?

6 comments posted: Saturday, September 10th, 2022