We never had sex, but she'll never believe me.

First post here, so please forgive if I am overstepping any bounds.

I am a WH that is currently struggling for R with my BS. D-day(1) was about 10-months ago. A large issue between me and my spouse is that I keep saying that I never had sex with my AP, but she does not believe me.

Me and the AP are co-workers. We used to be part of a large social circle of colleagues/friends that spent a lot of time out of work doing activities (camping/bars/card games/volunteering/etc.) Me and the AP became fast friends and carpooled together to the office. My Wife grew concerned of how close the two of us were. I have a long history of growing overly close with women friends and letting them become an infatuation, where I talk about them an inordinate amount. Usually, it was a crush of convenience that would end pretty much when one moves away or leaves for a new job. But in this case, I defended our friendship and accused my Wife of being jealous of my "best friend". I wanted to keep my friendship, but I also didn't want to anger my Wife, so things went underground.

Me and the AP started using secret chats and meeting up alone for lunch. By this time, it was already an EA. We carved out time to see each other, even just to bitch about work or the news. We flirted and made sexual innuendo both in chat and in person. I told her that I was physically attracted and she reciprocated, so it became a PA. We started with lying together in bed, then shirts came off. We got physical with dry humping, breast stimulation, and hand jobs when we could find the time to be together. This went on for about 5 years. Our most intimate interaction was when we took a shower together.

I had convinced myself that I was in love with the AP. I thought that things wouldn't work out with my BS, but I didn't just leave because I was supporting us financially and I felt like I couldn't walk away. My Wife knew something was up, and she knew that it had to do with my AP. But she didn't have proof and maybe she didn't want to believe that I could really do this. Eventually I got careless and left my email open, when she saw several messages from the AP and the secret was out.

I spent months denying, minimizing, trickle truthing, and outright lying to try to cover myself. All my Wife wanted was for me to tell the truth. She gave me opportunities to confess, and I still held stuff back. Even the physical interactions that I have admitted here, she had to drag it out of me over weeks of fighting. She had warned me that if I continued to lie after D-Day(1), it would wreck any chance we had at R. And then I continued to lie, and she called me out on it. My Wife even called the AP to see if she would admit to what happened between the two of us, and the AP lied too. Said that we had only hugged. So now my Wife thinks that we had sex, but the both of us must have swore to keep it a secret forever.

But it never happened. At the time, I told myself that doing so would be disrespectful to both the BS and the AP. That by not fully giving in to my PA, I was holding onto some shred of personal dignity. That if I really loved the AP, I would wait until I was out of my marriage. That having sex with someone else then coming home to my loving Wife would be too sick, even for me. Admittedly, it was not all my decision. Near the start of the PA, my AP said that she was not going to sleep with me. Our affair got interrupted by COVID and lock-down. It was difficult for us to schedule enough private time together. For whatever reason, our PA didn't cross the line into intercourse, or fellatio, or cunnilingus, or other similar sexual activities.

But I also said to my Wife that the AP and I never kissed on the lips. We did, and it came out eventually.

My Wife does not believe that we didn't have sex, and I can understand why she has a good reason not to.

19 comments posted: Wednesday, December 14th, 2022