First heartbreak

Hello..

I dont know how this works and what to expect but.. Yeah
Oh and im sorry if there are any typing mistakes, english is not my first language.

I just wanted to say that I met this person when I was 18 years old. I am now 24,soon turning 25. He is now 28 years old. He is my first love and first boyfriend. He was my first everything. So when we first got together he told me that in his previous relationship it was very toxic and bad. She cheated on him and he cheated on her. I didn't know what to expect when he told me, but I know I am a sweet and kind girl so I told him that the past doesn't need to define him as long as he doesnt make the same mistanke again with me. I like to believe that people deserve a second chance because I really saw the good in him.

Fast forward 2 years in to the relationship, it was ups and downs and we also broke up for maybe 2 months. But while we were broken up, we acted like we were a couple but he was very on guard when we was in public. Like not holding my hand, not showing me the same affection when we was at home. So I thought that we were not broken up, since he told me how much he cared for me. One night he was clubbing with some friends and called me in the middle of the night and asked if I can pick him up. I was so tired and told him no, but I could send him some money so he could take a taxi. The next morning I woke up and made some breakfast so I could suprise him with some food and drive him to work. I was standing outside his apartment and called him on his phone and I heard the ringetone since the Window to his bedroom was open. But he cancelled the call two times. I was like, okay? So I just opened the Window more and saw him and a girl laying in bed, both half naked. And i screamed and yeah.. Freaked out about what the hell this was. He opened the door for me and was completely shocked to see me and was wondering what I was doing there. I told him that I wanted to suprise him and drive him to work. The side girl left angrily because she didnt know anything so I dont blame her. We had a huge fight, i cried so hard and punched him in the face at the same time. After I calmed down, he told me that nothing happened. I didnt believe him at first but then he said that nothing I say will change your mind so I cant say anything. I said that if you promise me that absolutley nothing ever happened I will believe. And boy did he tell me that. As stupid as I was, i believed him. I drove him to work and he apologied to me and told me how much he loved me. I dont know what it was inside me but I was so clear in my head and heart and forgave him and after that day I didnt have a single day of trustissue with him. Because he told me the truth all the time... Or so I thought.

Fast forward again 2 years. We have now been together for four years. He could be the sweetest and most reassuring man when he wanted but also the coldest and act like he dont care. He knows me so so well and knows exactly what to say and when to say. This time had developed the habit to apologies alot and for almost everything and for stuff that wasnt even my fault. For example, I could be telling him my feelings about something im unsure about in the relationship and sometimes he managed to twist things around and make it my fault again or tell me Im overreacting or its all in my head. At some point I started to think that yeah its just me, im Just overly jealous or emotional. Around New years eve,I had a childhood friend Who texted me randomly(we havent spoken in several years). She told me that he had cheated on me with her friend on a dating app and they have been sending nudes and doing all kinds of stuff. She was also at his apartment and yeah.. I didnt believe her at first but she told me that she was going to get me evidence. So I was like okay, im not going to freak out and wanted to hear his story first. So we celebrated New years eve with my family and a day after I confronted him and he denied all the nudes and texting between them. He told me he met her via his friends and they was just friends and was just hanging out. I was like okay..I didnt like it and told him that its not acceptable and for me hearing it from someone I dont talk to anymore. He was understanding and said that he wont do it again.
Well, one week after I woke up to a whole book in my messages on instagram. The girl he was just hanging out with texted me and she yeah told me a whole different story and told me they had sex and everything but she didnt see any girl clothes before the next morning and thats when she told my childhood friends. She sent me a whole video of the text and nudes he have been sending to me AND also her. I was so furious and heart broken. I couldnt even belive my eyes, it felt like my hole body was on fire.
I stormed out of the room and showed him the text and videos. He immediately started crying and saying that he was sorry and that It will never happen again. I was so mad and told him that its over. He dropped to his knees and just begged me for another chance. I was so so torn.. I love this boy so much. With every bone and cells in my body I love him. So I gave him a last chance.. We talked about it alot, I tested him alot to see if he would change his story. I tried everything I could think of, but he was being so sweet to me, saying such caring words and just being there for me everytime I needed it. Even when I didnt need anything or anyone he was always there. He was being just.. Amazing to me.

Last year in december 2021 we got engaged. I was over the moon. I had no trustissue or anything, it was just me and him against the world. He is so wonderful and sweet. Everything I wanted I got and everything I dreamed of I was going to get it. We were looking to but a house togethere so we could move in and start our family.
I was begnning to plan the wedding just slightly since we wanted to get married within a year.

5 months after we got engaged I noticed he behaved sometimes different. He was ALWAYS taking his phone with him everywhere he went. To the kitchen, bathroom, in the closet. He always turned away from me when he was texting and scrolling on his phone. Whenever I came near him he would always shut his phone so I couldnt see what he was doing. When I asked he always told me that it was his bestfriend or his family. He knew very well what to say so I didnt have to worry. When it started I always had a gut feeling, like I knew he was hiding something but I also wasnt sure.. I dont want to seem like a crazy controllig fiance. Everytime i tried to talk to him about it, he always says its family or that its all in my head and that I have nothing to worry about...

Well.. It didnt go that way. About two, soon three weeks ago he told me that he needed to talk to me about something important. I was like either someone died or someone is pregnant. In this case, I rather pick the first choice.
He told me that he slept with hos coworker 5 months ago and it happened more than Once. She is now potentially expecting his Child..he doesnt 100% know that if its his since she is kind of a.. Yeah hoe. I wouldnt blame her if I didnt know this woman, but I do. I dont know her personally, but we have met alot when I visited him at work and they worked together and she knew that we were togethere and that we were engaged. She knew what she was doing, since she was crushing on him like crazy. To point out, this is a 40 year old woman. And she "trapped" him by not wearing any protection and she got pregnant on purpose to have some kind of a connection to him.

When he told me this, I couldnt believe my eyes or ears. I felt like my whole world just fell apart and someone just ripped my heart out. It hurts so so much. I have never felt this kind of pain and sorrow before and its killing me. I was going to suprise him on his birthday that I was ready to drop the birth control so we could get a head start on the baby making. Little did I know that he is already expecting a child with someone other than me. I felt so disgusted, dirty and used. He cried and told me that she meant nothing to him, that he regrets the whole thing and wish he could take the time and turn it the other way. He said that he wasnt thinking and he knows he fucked up real bad. He told me that I dont deserve someone like him, that he wouldnt allow me to take him back even if I wanted to. He lied to me for months and he said that he was afraid to tell me for many reasons, one of them was that I was depressed for a couple of months and Unfortunaly began to self harm. I know that its not the way and I am better than that. I just remembered that he had a history of selfharm before he met me and I was very curious of why people do it. He told me that for him it was like being able to breath again and to focus on something different. Thats why I did it, but I only did it Once cus I told him after I did it and made a promise to him to never do it again. And I never brake my promises.
Last night I went to his house and it was the first time in two weeks I hadnt seen him cus I was giving him his stuff back and getting mine. So we ended up talking and joking around as usual, just laughing. It felt so good to laugh again and smile. It was like for a moment, nothing had change. It was just us two again. It feels so right to lay in his arms and just hold him. It just feels so right. He tells me that it feels right for him and that laying beside eachother.. We feel complete.
Again he told me that he was so sorry for hurtig me, that he didnt see this happen and that he will always love me no matter what. I was his first normal sweet girlfriend and his first fiance. He was my first everything.
He kept saying that I deserve someone Who will not hurt me the way he had and that I deserve more in life than this. It hurts so much to hear it from him cus he was my world, I felt at home and peace with him.
We both were holding eachother for dear life and just crying our hearts out.

This morning I woke up and we talked a little about normal stuff and suddenly he said that this between us feels so right and that he isnt ready to let me go. He told me that to give him a chance so we can try and fix it and him building his trust for me and my family. He said that he got nothing more to lose, he lost everything and have nothing left. His parents are mad and wont talk to him. Neither his friends and he said that he cant imagine a life without me. He told me that I dont have to answer him rightaway, but I can think about it.. I feel so devestated. My heart is telling me to run back into his arms and say that is all going to be alright, but my head is saying that he already cheated on me not once or twice, but three times and the last one was the worst. He was intimate with another person, not long after we were engaged and is expecting a Child that may or may not be his. I can not see myself loving the Child and being in a relationship with him.. I feel so disgusted but I love him so much and I feel like im never going to feel this type of love again and that I never will find someone Who knows everything about me and still love me the way I am. And I feel like have a clock on me that I need to have children soon so im not late in case it will de difficult to have children.. I dont know what to do or not..I cant eat or sleep or be around my family.. I have so many emotions and thoughts and im so exhausted..

So yeah.. Thats my story.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and yeah just thank you...

46 comments posted: Thursday, September 22nd, 2022