How much to disclose to the kids
Team, I wanted to continue a discussion about how much you should disclose to your adult kids about your WS's actions. We had hijacked someone's post in JFO, so I thought it would be better to continue the discussion here in general.
I'm of opinion that it is better to disclose more rather than less if the decision has been made to divorce.
You are not only divorcing your WS, you are also breaking up the family. Kids will want to know why you cannot "forgive your WS". After all, everyone makes mistakes. Surely you were not perfect either / your actions drove her to this. Or the kicker, "if you loved us (the kids), you would make more of an effort to forgive.
I think its important to let your kids know what happened. You spend a lifetime telling them that "family is family, and we forgive family". You need to emphasize why it is different in this case.
On a personal note, I wish my dad (which took the high road) would have told me more of the details earlier. I was mad at him for a long time because I felt that he didn't do enough to work through the marital problems. The stuff I found out decades later made me reevaluate the whole situation. I wish I would have not wasted those years hating my Dad.
To address some particular points other users have made:
understand your trying to say that people 18 and over are adults, but we are not talking about adults. My children, when they are adults, fully grown, will always be my children.
Just because someone is old enough to experience the truth of what has happened does not mean that I, as a parent, should help them to experience it.
As a senior military officer that has led 18 year olds into combat, I think it is belittling to say that showing them evidence will irreversibly harm your children's psychological development. If this is the worst thing they ever see / experience, I would call them lucky.
Mindracing..did you show your kids pics and texts?
No, because we are all in on reconciliation. But if I decide to call it quits, I will let my kids know why. Age appropriate of course, but I will have an in-depth discussion with my 18 and 19 year olds.
"See James, look at what your mother was doing. Yes i know you know she cheated on me. Yes, you know she had sex with him. Yes you know I am a victim, but you need to see some of the things she said to him. Now doesnt that just make you feel better? Dont you feel like she is such a horrible person. Maybe you can spend the rest of your life not trusting the person you choose to be with. Good talk son. Now go join the military and vote because youre an adult and can clearly handle the trauma that I just gave to you. I love you and remember your mom is a waste of human flesh. Go get'em tiger!"
I don't think this is what I'm saying at all. It's more like, "see James, I know I said that marriage is forever. I know I said you need to cherish family and be forgiving. But I need to do this because the betrayal is just too deep. I know that infidelity is trivialized in popular media. It wasn't a one-time mistake. The actions cannot be forgiven. I am not doing this to hurt you. I am doing this to show you that there comes a point...and this is it....where you no longer need to suffer the abuse.
Anyway, this forum is filled with stories about how the kids keep begging...BEGGING...for the BS to forgive and get back together. That must tear at the heart of the BS. I know it tore at my Dad's heart. I feel that if the BS was completely honest, the kids would understand.
27 comments posted: Friday, March 29th, 2024
