Found out about a month ago

It's complicated and I'm hurting

To summarise. My husband is a contractor and often worked away to come home every weekend and I often visited him as well. Fifteen years ago he met this woman through a mutual friend. He told me about her, no problem or so I thought. Anyway he moved jobs and never mentioned her again until about 3 years ago. A few times he said we should meet up with her etc. He was hoping for us to become friends. We met twice and she was OK, but I didn't particularly warm to her. I found her to be self-absorbed.

Over a month ago my husband and I went away for a week with our little boat. The friend lives about half an hour away and she came to the harbour almost daily. Way too often for my liking. I knew something was off.

To cut a long story short, back home, I checked my husband's phone and found a secret email account. They'd been seeing each other on and off for 15 years. It's not a normal affair. She is submissive and he's her Dom. Lol.

I confronted him. Lots of drama, anger etc. He insisted it wasn't an affair as such as he doesn't love her. It's just about the kink. Yes, right. I made him see that no matter how you look at it, it's an affair. He reluctantly agreed in the end. Says he's remorseful etc. Loves me. Doesn't want to split up.

After arguments things calmed down a bit. He said I can ask him anything. Sometimes he answers. But 2 nights ago when I wanted to talk about it, he got angry. Said it wasn't the right time and stormed out of the room. Same thing last night. So I said when is the right time? Can I make an appointment? He stormed out again. He gets so angry. I told him I need to heal and it will take me a long time.

Sometimes he is OK and talkative, but then he gets all angry.

Guess he wants for me to just get over it, but I cant. I pointed out how unattractive she is. She's much bigger than me, she's got long straggly hair, she's even balding. She's 7 years younger than me but looks much older. But he says it wasn't about the looks but about her submission to him.

I don't know what I'm dealing with here. Is it a sex addiction? Acting out fantasies? Ego boost? A distraction? Combination of all?

I'm perplexed. I've read loads of their emails from over the years. She writes whole boring epistles about mundane things, her work, her kids, her parents, but also her bizarre kinky fantasies. Her life seems full of (mostly self-inflicted) drama and I guess she has no one to talk to. My husband sometimes replied in very short emails. He admitted to me that he hardly ever read hers completely, just skimmed through them. From the emails it's clear that she's totally obsessed with him. Always thinks about him. They even talk about me but always in a nice way.

It's all so weird.

At the moment I'm in limbo. I go from sad to angry to laughing even. We had a good marriage, but now I'm not sure about anything anymore.

7 comments posted: Monday, October 3rd, 2022