I can’t think of a topic title

Well, back story caught him having a two year affair with a woman two years ago. We have twin daughters almost 8 years old. And he has twin girls 17 from his ex wife that live with us too. We have been together 10 years this August. We got married a year and half ago after discovered he cheated we were in couple therapy and IC. Yea I know. Shouldn’t have done that. Love. Kids. Idea family. And thinking we are in this together. Ugh.
Well now it’s not going good.
I looked on his phone because well maybe it’s my intuition or gut feeling. And I compared numbers from the T-Mobile website to his contacts and one he messaged a lot. Like 80 texts back and forth in a call period (like a month time span) and calls like 40, 30 min long calls sometimes. And some texts at 5 am. And he put her in his phone as Genius. Then he deleted any evidence of texts or calls from his phone and Apple Watch (I found it and checked it, he lost in January because last updated and he had deleted them then as well.) She doesn’t seem like his type at all. I wouldn’t think he would cheat with her honestly because she’s a different race and around his age and not like the last girl. Just I don’t think he would be cheating physically, but who knows? He says she’s just a friend who he talks to about their commonality in the death of his dad and her son also died. And that he asks her for marital advice and if she’s calling about rental properties or stuff related to work stuff he has done or asking if he knows a good plumber.

Okay, a friend that’s a girl. Okay. I mean I’m not opposed to that. He’s more of a chatty Cathy on the phone than me and he’s always been more of a social butterfly and needs people more in having friendships or helping people out or looking like a good, helpful guy.

So, why delete all the calls and texts from me? Why disguise her name? He says because he doesn’t want me to assume something. And I act like a child snooping through his phone and he doesn’t have to tell me how he met her. That I should just trust him by now and he’s sick of this sh$t. That I am looking for a reason out and he is sick of being interrogated and that I am trying to find something. That I’m looking for sh$t to find and he knows that and so that’s why he deletes them? So, yea. And he loves me and can’t keep doing this. He is sick of my sh$t and he can’t keep doing this.

He is in IC. I am not anymore because my therapist about a year ago said if i accidentally miss an appointment again then she will have to refer me to someone else. And I didn’t do on purpose, just my days run together being at home with kids and not having a strict schedule. And the marriage counseling nope didn’t work with last woman she wanted me to not be a victim. Told me I need to try not see myself as the victim and the one before that wanted me to not talk to him about affair because it’s just shutting him down like a kid u interrogate about smoking wee$ and then they runaway. To own my 50, etc.. I just felt maybe his charm and ability to play the victim makes it seem like I am interrogating him. For instance, like now, I lay a boundary that if he isn’t going to talk to me about the texts and calls and have a conversation instead of treating me like the enemy, getting angry and defensive, and leaving the house then we are separating. So he comes up to the bedroom next morning, and says as I’m covering my body with covers so he can’t see me in my pajamas, "oh so are we still doing this" like because I’m hiding my body. And then how he is sick of this blah blah and I’m the problem basically. That I won’t stop looking for reasons. So then he is the victim and I look like the one who won’t just let us move on.

So, he has been sleeping in basement for past idk week and a half. Saying how he’s going to find somewhere else then if I would just stop this how we could be a family and blah blah and how he loves me but he can’t keep doing this.

And he won’t answer how he met her. He won’t elaborate what they talked about. He won’t stop being defensive and he got on T-Mobile yesterday and separated our accounts so I can’t see call log. He locked his phone and he has his phone and privacy and I can’t get on it now it’s Face ID for me is off and he says because he doesn’t want me looking for reasons when he’s not doing anything.

3 comments posted: Friday, July 19th, 2024

Resentment disbelief jealousy

DD July 2022 My DH of 8 years Past 2 yrs since DD with AP. We have six year old twin daughters together.

Well, we ended up becoming officially married last month. He wanted to do it. I of course want him and wish he never had the affair. He does IC once a week and so do I. We are scheduled for a new couples therapist.

He loves me. I love him. He says the affair wasn’t about me. He has feelings of anger and guilt when I act sad or angry or talk about the affair. If I feel insecure or depressed or unworthy, talking to him, he can’t understand why I don’t move on or let it go already. Why I can’t just let him love me and give him a second chance and just move on. I don’t know why either. I get upset thinking about how he messaged her and wanted her all the while I was at home in bed waiting on him to come home.

I feel just pathetic. She was not hot but overweight with two or three kids, redheaded, tattooed and pierced nipples (which I am not) and drank miller lite and managed a tire store. He used her as a sec slave basically just like the help to take care of his d$ck. And I’m jealous because I feel like she was desirable to him. Even though I know I’m more physically attractive, he wanted her and to control her. And I’m jealous that he didn’t want to control me and desire me and want me. And it eats me alive. I don’t understand why he is with me now. Why he stays with me or chooses me now when that’s what he needed to satisfy himself. And I feel like I’ll never give him that thrill and excitement that she did. And the whole thing I envy the passion or sex they had and how here I was at home cleaning or being a house wench and had no clue. I pity myself for being here and for not ever questioning where he was and for trusting him blindly.

I’ll be okay for a few days and then I start to like realize all this again and think about times he seemed so normal and how I had no clue. And he is getting where he just leaves the house now and I’m left here in bed being miserable and he’s angry and doesn’t want to tolerate me anymore. And it makes me angry that he is so inconsiderate to think I can tolerate what he did and let it go and then he doesn’t have to tolerate me going crazy and "punishing" him again and again.

I feel stuck.

43 comments posted: Sunday, March 12th, 2023

8years/past2withAP,twingirls2gether,stuck

Well he cheated on me. Caught him looking for family pictures in his phone. He saw her for two years (found out 2 years September 2020 from phone records) he tried to lie and say since March at first.
We have twin girls that are six just started kindergarten and having to work together to take and pick them up from school. We are together still. In therapy individually and couples once a week. We go to church on Sunday now. He listens to self awareness book the four agreements and tried to journal a few pages. He’s showing effort.
I’m still stuck on how could he love me? How can he want me. He cheated on me for past two years. While at his work on breaks he would meet her for sex or blowjobs and he messaged her at least weekly. He looked at me like I didn’t want him (maybe internally making excuses for what he was doing). He had her on his Facebook as a friend and she knew about me. She liked our kids cancer treatment checkups. She’s less attractive than me and overweight and red headed. 4 years younger with three kids of her own and a fiancé at the start of their fling (they broke it off February 2022, I know because I contacted her ex fiancé), who had cheated on her and didn’t have proof she had cheated.
It’s a mess. Before all this we didn’t argue. I thought he was gaining weight stressed from working and would come home and fall asleep a lot. We had sex at least weekly. Never denied him sex. I cleaned the house everyday and he never helped me with any of it. When I found out and confronted him he told me I don’t have to pick his clothes up off the floor anymore that he will do it. He would say i look like a bitch sometimes or that I need to not talk to him that way before when I was frustrated about stuff. He didn’t appreciate me or respect me. He is very selfish and impulsive with spending money on things we don’t need to not budgeting. He says he was miserable with himself. And I thought everything was good about us before and I never saw any of that. We enjoyed doing family stuff with kids and he was home every night. I never suspected anything.
Im so confused on why he did this and therapist said I should not keep asking why because only leads me to more whys. Im hurt and I can’t really keep talking to him about what he did because he feels shame and guilt and gets upset when I do try to except in therapy. He acts like im keeping us from moving forward and that I’m trying to make him suffer. But im hurting over it all, humiliated still, and I feel like bad that he chose her over me. Like maybe he was infatuated with her and not me. Im questioning myself why is he with me? Why not go be with her? I don’t understand what im here with him for when I didn’t fully infatuate and satisfy him.
And im facing that rejection of maybe he wanted her more than me. And it negates our first sex together. Our romance in the beginning of our relationship seems like it was overshadowed by this new sexual experience he got with her for two years. I’ve had shorter relationships with ex bfs than his affair with her!
And he doesn’t want to leave me. He wants it to work and says he loves me and I’m his partner and he wants to marry me and wants to be a family man and a husband and be a better man for us and he was stupid and doesn’t know why he did it. He says he wants help with being impulsive. Today we went to church and he gave them $60. Like we really don’t have the money to be giving away $60 each time we go to church. But I feel like he does it for his pride or ego or impulsiveness. Like give them $5 it’s not a competition or for show. He said that is how much he should give. Like little stuff is still there. When we go out to eat and he is critical of the food or the person that washed his car didn’t do a good job. Instead of showing gratitude. I tell him these things and he acts like I’m just picking out all his flaws now and tells me to just make up my mind and end it if that’s what I want. And it is because I’m mad and angry and hurt and it isn’t because I love him too. And I’m stuck. I know I deserve someone who wouldn’t have done any of this to me for two years. I just am confused and hurt and idk what to do. One minute I forgive him and next minute I wonder how could he have done this to me.

35 comments posted: Wednesday, October 19th, 2022