Very specific trigger

Hi all,

This site has been invaluable to me whilst recovering from discovering my WH's affair 3 years ago. We are still together and day to day is calm and we are communicating well. Over the years I have had a number of triggers that I am now able to brush away much more easily. One stubbornly remains though and I was hoping that maybe someone could help. WH's affair was with a work colleague and began after a group night out. On the night out the 2 of them apparently spent the whole night talking to each other and from this they were both clear (without directly speaking about it) that they wanted to become physical. It still makes me feel sick to think of the 2 of them talking to each other on that night out and angry that my WH got involved in this. This first step to it progressing to sex in hotels during the working day. If I go out with my husband now and there is an attractive (not that the AP was attractive) woman serving us or near by I get terribly triggered. If they smile at WH he smiles back - as is normal when in a shop, for example.
There was an inappropriate interaction, between the affair ending and me finding out (a period of 2 1/2 years) between a 'friend' and my husband. She was super flirty with him, and he didn't respond, but he equally didn't call her out on it. It involved her physically touching him. This, to me is that same type of interaction he had with the AP which led to the affiar. I am still obsessed with this one interaction (over 3 years ago) as it is a physical memory I have that makes me think of the night with WH and AP in the bar. This is causing issues in our couple friendship group as I refuse to interact with her or see her anymore. It makes me too anxious. So I have 2 issues, letting go of the inappropriate interaction with the 'friend'and living with my WH out in a world where women will flirt with him, smile at him, even if innocent when buying a coffee! Please can you help!

2 comments posted: Sunday, November 17th, 2024

Apt user name...how much longer?

I am 20 months since D day and really struggling again. I am from the UK. Two things have happened that I think have caused this downwards spiral. First our wedding anniversary - it wasn't until the day that I feel really off. I have kept to our marriage vows and still feel so betrayed. Secondly my WH is going on holiday abroad, in a few weeks, with 2 friends who were there the night the first attraction with the OW was felt. They were all work friends. The other men don't know but one's girlfriend is good friends with the OW so it feels close to home. I'm am exhausted with the continual mind movies, watching for 'danger' when out with my WH. He isn't always helpful when I have a melt down. He is right - half my head is saying you @@@ you don't deserve me let's divorce where the other half wants to make it work. I have left him at home for some space for the afternoon and said we need a new approach but what is that??!! Please help.

15 comments posted: Saturday, June 3rd, 2023

Feeling Stuck

Firstly I want to say thank you for all of your posts as they have helped me immensely over the last year.
This is my first post as after a year, since finding out, I have periods of time when I am really struggling with what has happened.
Almost 6 years ago, after 11 years together, my WH told me that he wasn't sure we were going to make it unless there were significant improvements in our relationship. He has always been the quiet type when discussing issues and to this day I don't really know what he meant. We started going out more the 2 of us but never really explored what the issues were.
For a periods of time within the last 6 years my husband felt distant. I had previously had an incling that he was cheating but was always made to feel ridiculous if I confronted him. Just over a year ago we were away for the weekend and he was completely disengaged. On the Sunday morning I kept on and on until he broke and said he was leaving me. I was heartbroken and kept asking him if he had ever cheated, as I had always had the feeling that he had. He admitted that he had sex a few times in a hotel with someone from work during work time.
He was adamant that we were to separate and went as far as telling our teenage children. I told him he needed to leave and he went off. I messaged to say that I hoped that he was OK. He said that we should talk the next day.
He came back and said we should try again and we discussed the affair. The time following that was truly awful as I was, and still am heartbroken. We had some MC and I had some IC. The affair was 4 years ago and lasted for about a year. It entailed hiring hotel rooms during the daytime. Even writing this is making me feel sick. He said it fizzled out. He has told me it happened as he was in a bad place and she offered him attention and to start with made him feel good. He said it soon felt wrong and sordid. After it ended he stayed 'friends' with her as he was her boss and he was worried that he would get in trouble at work. We are both educated professionals and she is different to us I don't want to sound horrible but she was uneducated and had low ambition in life. I would also say that I am better looking. I think my husband felt better than her.
After the discovery I found her on Facebook and contacted her but she never replied. She messaged him a few times but he ignored her. They still work at the same place but she is still working at home. He now has a new job away from there starting soon.
To this day I still go through periods of upset, anger and shock. To start with he said I needed to move past it. He has now realised that it is not that simple but when I am upset he doesn't react how I need him to. I want him to hug me and show empathy. I think he feels shameful and so just wants to change the conversation. I am tired of feeling like this and think it will last forever. In some ways I feel my life is ruined. We are getting along really well but sometimes I feel I am masking my feelings to keep everything calm. Please can someone help me and sorry for such a long post.

13 comments posted: Sunday, October 16th, 2022