Still Struggling Everyday, Can You Relate

Hey beautiful people, I’ve been around this site in the background for awhile now. I’ve been reading a lot of different stories, replies and follow ups. I continue to find myself searching for that "one story" that is truely relatable. So I decided to post my own experience

My wife (35f) and I (37m) have been together for 16 years, married for 11. We have had our struggles like most couples do. We always had kids in the plan but we’re not able to conceive naturally or with medical intervention. We came to peace with this after 3 years of trying, or so I thought. I look back now and realize I had some unattended mental trauma from this. I see now I should have spoke with a therapist to work through my feelings about unable to have children. I believe this is a big factor to our relationship issues that came along later.

We were happy for years and I have always struggled with feelings of failure and carry these thoughts around with me everywhere. My wife worked through the infertility challenges while I don’t believe I did.

Fast forward to more recent times, things seemed okay, but not great. We visited a couple councilor to help us communicate and speak to each other well and validate our issues together. At some point we stopped that after our councilor retired and we searched for a replacement. We decided to see councilors individually and work on our issues that way. My wife has struggled with her self confidence with her body for awhile because I wasn’t always as affectionate as I was previous to the infertility period of our marriage. I tried to see Dr.’s about a solution, but never could move past my inability to take action on my sexual thoughts for her. She is very attractive and I told her that often, but it wasn’t enough. At this time I was struggling with depression and I wasn’t aware. One day she asked if I thought I would ever want her again like I did in the past. "I answered I don’t know." At that time I was really low in my mental state and nothing made me happy or feel good. When I told her my answer that October day, she later told me I broke her heart and started to morn the loss of our marriage.

Leading up to that October day I had been reviewing our phone records and she had been speaking and texting with another guy she claimed, was having similar issues in his marriage. I asked nice for her to stop or we all meet one another and spouses. She declined, she was also spending time with a new female friend she was friends with growing up. Her female friend was taking her to baseball games and going to bars together after games and spending time with this guy in a group. I was unaware of her actions. She was starting to stay out later, dress up more for a co-ed baseball game and coming home really late. But I always trusted her and didn’t want to accuse her of something that wasn’t true. We share locations on our phone and she lied to me that her phone was "hacked" when she intentionally turned off her location. She also was hanging up phone calls with him the minute I came home from work and was talking for 30-60 minutes 3 times a week.

Jumping forward again, I continued to find these calls on our bill. I confronted her and asked her to tell me what is going on. She said "there’s nothing to talk about". I never stopped watching her actions, habits, etc. little did I know they were already having sex at this time. In fact it happened within 2 weeks of her asking if I will ever want her again. Many lies, coverup’s and overlapping times of her having sex with him and I, the truth finally came out. That was not before she asked for us to separate 3 times from October to end of May. I later found out those times she wanted to separate she was also trying to stop the relationship with him, but he kept getting her back. This guy is married with 3 kids and was also cheating on his wife with 2 women at the same time.

The d-day was May 30th, kind of…I had some retracted messages on FB messenger that I didn’t see for 2 weeks into June. I had suspected that she was doing something and her conversations that I thought was with him on our home camera. I reverse phone number searched him and found him online, his wife’s name, etc. these retracted messages were from her (cheaters wife). They were over a two day period, and I couldn’t read them. When I found them I asked who it was and why I couldn’t see the messages and what they said? She said, she contacted the wrong person. I knew this wasn’t true 3 messages to the wrong person? I asked again what the messages said, she said nothing and to forget it. I waited awhile to message back. This time I said I think our spouses know each other. She replied how I knew that, explained and said what did the messages say? She was trying to tell me that she found out her husband was sleeping with my wife. She found pictures/videos of them having sex. She was attempting to tell me but didn’t want to be that person.

Eventually she told me that they were doing more than talking. She told me about the phone pics/videos. She had sent them to herself and informed a mutual friend about her husband sleeping with her friends, friend. That friend informed my wife about the phone pictures and immediately threatened her with legal action to stop them from spreading. My wife turned into a bulldog and got them deleted.

That is the day on May 30th that my wife asked me to divorce, aligned with her getting caught. It was her way of escaping the truth and me finding out about the 6 month affair. I moved to a different bedroom and for 2 weeks was paralyzed trying to figure out what to do. Keep in mind I didn’t know yet for another 2 weeks from the FB retracted messages (June14). Once I found from the cheaters wife I confronted her, she lied and ignored my plea to tell me the truth. She didn’t know that I knew at that time…30 minutes later she came into the other bedroom to tell me everything.

I was a complete mess, couldn’t believe it and didn’t know what to do. I asked for details about things because I knew this was my time to get answers. They kissed twice the first night it started. A week later they were having sex in his car, moved to a friends house that wasn’t home and they used that for awhile, then did a hotel when that friends house wasn’t available. This guy lied to her severely about his marriage troubles to tell her what she wanted to hear to relate to. He’s done it before, multiple times.

All in all, they had sex for 6 months about 40+ times and was also having sex with me at the same time. Her friends never tried to stop her or inform me. She claims she would do it for a little while and we would find our way back to each other. In what world is she living in? She wanted to feel desired and never considered the pain it would cause me.

I’m months past that day and still struggle every day. I’m in therapy, joined a men’s group, interviewed my friends that had their wives cheat. I tried to stay and work things out for about 2 months. But she never acted like she wanted to be married, she actually had his baseball jersey and would wear it to bed when I was staying in the other bedroom. I’ve found everything extremely hurtful and can’t get past the betrayal, lies and destructive behavior.

Current day, almost a year after she started cheating, I’ve filed for divorce and I am moving to live with my brother in a different state. I could stay in my hometown but want a fresh start in a different area. I will be losing a job I really like, my dogs and have to start my life over again. With the support of my brother I now know I will be okay. Things got really dark for me for months following the Dday. I am getting stronger but overall, I have a long way to trust anyone again if I can build the strength to put myself out there down the road.

To close things out I am posting this to get advice and encouraging words from anyone that may have related to my situation.

I am struggling to find similar relation and understanding from others.

19 comments posted: Monday, October 31st, 2022