I’ve made the first step in separating

Hi everyone
I’m here again as you are all so kind and there is always someone around to respond and send some words of reassurance and advice.
After I found out about my husbands latest unfaithfulness in April it felt that I had gone past the point of no return. However we have two kids and with his emotional instability (ADHD) I have had to really plan my exit.

I managed to get to the end of school term so the kids would be on summer holidays and I have had the conversation with him. The first couple of days he stayed in a hotel and then he came back to spend time with the kids and now he is just saying he can’t accept it’s over and he doesn’t want to be without me or the kids.

I have explained that I just can’t carry on anymore as there has been too many things and for me to heal I need to separate. He tells me he won’t go and stay with his dad temporarily, or sisters and he doesn’t want to stay in a house share.

It’s difficult to know what to do next. He is now very emotional and sometimes getting angry saying he doesn’t want me to ever be with anyone else and how could I throw it all away. It’s making me feel so sad as I wish I wasn’t in this situation. I wish it was a nightmare I could wake up from and still be with him but because so much has happened I feel that I just can’t carry on anymore with him. I would never trust him and I don’t feel he can really love me.

I am trying to protect the kids but feel we need to tell
Them
Soon to give them time over the summer to process things. He just keeps saying I’m not ready to tell the kids.

The other thing is I am struggling to cry and let out all the emotions. It feels that because I have blocked it up for all this time I can’t just cry and feel relief. I know I that I will need counselling again but just trying to get through each day at the moment.

11 comments posted: Wednesday, July 31st, 2024

Just found out he has done it again…

I posted back in 2022 after I had found out that my husband who has ADHD had had both emotional affairs and a physical affair of two
Months with someone. At that time I decided to stay with him having been with him for 11 years. Also having two children and a step son. I had some understanding that some of the behaviours were linked to untreated ADHD at the time and that we both had some part to play in our marriage difficulties which included poor communication and lack of intimacy.

There had been several behaviours prior to this that I accepted such as drink driving offence and once where he filmed a video of a woman’s backside from
Our garden.

We both had separate counselling and had been working through some or the issues. From him I needed more support with the children and domestic and household tasks as well as more emotional support and I tried to give him ‘what he needed more’ and made more efforts to be intimate. It had improved and we felt closer but he was still not happy really doing a lot around the house and would sleep in every day expecting me to ask him to do things and I would still be responsible for all things relating to kids and household tasks as well as working full time.

At the same time which explains additional stresses we have both had our son has after 2.5 years received diagnosis or ADHD and ASD and within the last month has started treatment.

He looses his phone all the time and although I hadn’t for ages I would sometimes check his phone ( this was an agreement we made back in 2022 for me to feel I could trust him and monitor things)
So I checked his phone this week and I found he has been messaging this woman from an ADHD forum and found messages like ‘ I wish I could escape to have sex’ in an ideal world I would like friendship and if we could sex for fun but I realise I can’t because of marriage and distance’. I also found two messages arranging ‘slots’ with local addresses ans being asked to bring cash.

After confronting he has admitted he turned up to one of the prostitutes houses but couldn’t go through with it as he says he realises it was wrong. He explained the relationship with the lady on the forum as him sharing with someone how he feels generally and wasn’t a relationship. He txt this person and she wrote back basically confirming this and that they had never had any physical
Contact nor were they planning to.

I feel
Completely numb I feel
Like it has now probably gone way to far for me to ever trust this man again and even if he hasn’t actually had sex I feel hurt that he would betray and secretly message and talk about running away to have sex with someone. When I am doing my best to take care of kids work full time look after the house and him.

He told me he realises now he has an addiction to sex ( which I had been saying all along and suggested he address before) he tells me he can’t accept we wouldn’t be together and he is going to do everything he can to prove to me he can change. He tells me he loves me and h can’t believe he has been so stupid.

I feel so hurt and embarrassed and I don’t know what to do. I think deep down I know I need to walk away but the thought of the situation makes me feel so scared.

Any support and advice and company is much appreciated

10 comments posted: Sunday, April 21st, 2024

Are better days coming?

I found out 2 months ago that my husband had an affair and I feel absolutely heartbroken lost and confused about what to do.

We had been having marriage difficulties for several years. We have two kids (8) and (4). Things were difficult at home, my husband was finally diagnosed with ADHD in July. Prior to this, and ever since knowing him I have felt like I have had to parent alone, or nag him to parent and support him with every aspect of his life, making sure he gets up for work, making sure he sees his son from previous relationship, make sure he calls his dad. I have always had to do all the housework or nag him to do some. I have always been the one to arrange the holidays the date nights, the kids important school dates.

During the last few years I have had some health problems and experienced a lot of fatigue. I found myself
Feeling low and distancing myself from
Him as telling him how I felt always led to an argument and him telling me that if I give him more sex he would be happier and do
More at home. We had sex but it wasn’t enough for him. It was very transactional and not a deep emotional intimacy with respect that I wanted. Hurtful things were said and we continued to grow apart and not communicate.

In February I found out that he had been messaging a woman at work, flirtatious messages and suggestive. He was messaging her in the evenings and I found messages about him needing to stop contact but not wanting to. In February I had this out with him and we talked a lot about how we were both feeling and what we both needed from the relationship. For him
More closeness and wanting to feel loved and me wanting to feel loved but also needing more support with kids around the home etc. things seemed better for a while. It felt like we had started to communicate better and both trying and then in July
I found a disgusting message from
Him
To another
Women who he had arranged to meet
Up and sleep with.

When I confronted him he told
Me
It was 3 times, and was just sex. He said he needed to feel wanted as he didn’t by me. He was remorseful and begged me to give him a chance. He admitted he wasn’t planning to tell me but was relieved I have found out so we could try to sort things out.

Since then he has been trying and is going to counselling but he still isn’t helping much with the kids and the house and he still
Keeps referencing him
Getting what he needs from a relationship and doesn’t seem to truly understand from my side what I also need. I feel a sense of blame that it was partly my fault and I should have tried to sort things out sooner, but I have been exhausted and supporting him for so many years through drink driving conviction, supporting his dad and caring for his kids as well as my step son.

I don’t know what I am hoping to achieve by posting but it’s all a bit of a mess and it feels good having somewhere to write how I am feeling.
I am
Holding it together for my two kids. I am not rushing my decision and need to give this time but it hurts like hell and at the moment can’t see how I can ever get over the betrayal and pain.

I realise for it to work I would need to put this behind me and move on I am
Hoping that time will
Make this easier for me.
Thank you reading this

7 comments posted: Saturday, November 12th, 2022