12yrs marriage3 wonderful kids (10,8,6)

Confrontation advice needed

Hello everyone.

I am glad I found this site. It’s been a great helping tool to understand and react to my wife’s infidelity.

Now, I think it is a time for an advice regards to confronting A to my WS

After 12 years of marriage, my wife and I had ups and downs. But since this year, my wife was acting like she had midlife crisis. She had money spending issues where she couldn’t control her self in shopping and eagerly wanted to find her true self. In June, while we were on vacation, we had fight. My wife wanted a divorce but I told her to try the marriage counselling before she makes the decision. We had great relationships after few counselling sessions. However, in September we had another fight which I thought it wasn’t a major problem and suddenly, two weeks later in October she asked for divorce again. Since I didn’t knew about her affair, I begged her to stay and did the ‘pick me’ action.

Although she wanted a divorce, she is still sleeping beside me, taking care of kids together, eating together and uses my finances since she has no job but nothing more than that. And she is telling her close friends, divorce is happening which "of course" blaming me.

On early November, I had senses something was wrong by her behaviours. Suddenly, some lady approached me by instagram and sent me dating pics of WS and AP to gain revenge or some sort. The lady was a previous partner which current AP used to date (They were in A relationship at that time too).

This AP is married (know the contacts of the wife) and he only cheats on a married women. The AP is in the same pilates class with my wife and they were texting each other casually since summer. Suddenly my wife fell deeply in love with him after our fight in September when she believed our marriage was hopeless. I found out she was sleeping with him, and dating with him by telling lies to me and our kids.

After the discovery, I stayed calm and acted normal to gather evidence of A and talked to my attorney to have necessary action plan to minimize the loss on my finances and the kids during separation or divorce. Right now, our relationship at home does not look like a real separation according to the lawyer.

Now, all the paperwork is complete, I am planning to talk to her after we celebrate the Christmas with our kids together.

I had counselling sessions from two different infidelity counsellors and both of them had similar but different strategies.

They both agreed to set up a date and ask if she really wants divorce and if the answer is YES, inform her the real separation is going to happen and show what a real D looks like since she has so much to lose since she has no money at all (Never worked before nor tried).

BUT, one counsellor told me to confront about A at the same date of separation notice. The other counsellor told me to wait few months after WS experience financial hardship which will make her comeback and confront A to restore the relationship.

What approach should I take to confront her A? Does anyone have similar experiences?

At this moment I am not too sure if I want D or R.
I am planning to do hard 180 after I speak with her after Christmas.

26 comments posted: Sunday, December 25th, 2022