Posting as BS. PA DDay - 10/14/2022. EA DDay's - 2011, 2013, 2018

Trying One Last Time

First time posting.

I am currently in R with my W of 18 yrs. We have 2 daughters, and have been happily married for the most part of our marriage.

My wife had 3 short-lived EA's in 2011, 2013, and 2018. Two of them reached the point of meeting up and kissing once before I discovered them. Following each EA, she went through significant withdrawals, but put in strong effort to stay with me and make our marriage work. I was completely devastated after the first EA and almost filed for D. It was at that time that we recognized her problems with depression. She suffers from major depression and doesn't care about anything or anyone while she's going through a rut. With the help of a counselor and family members, I chose to work it out. I recognized that I had somewhat neglected her emotional needs after several yrs of marriage, so I actively made positive changes in myself, even though this, nor her depression, were excuses for her to cheat. We only attended MC for a short time and felt that things were moving solidly in a positive direction.

The 2nd EA in 2013 was her 1st boyfriend from HS who reached out to her and reignited flames. I found out about this quickly before they ever met up (he lives on the other side of the U.S.), but it still hurt greatly. Recognizing that she was again very depressed, I stuck it out once again. After this, she began taking anti-depressants prescribed by her GP and was much happier and strong for approx 5 yrs. In 2018, she decided that she didn't want to be medicated any longer and weaned off the meds in March. By October, she was in the midst of a 3rd EA that began through work related e-mails. They met once and kissed before I discovered it (at least that was the most truth that I could pull out of her). After this, her GP prescribed a different anti-depressant that she has been on since 2018. For the next 3 years, she seemed to be doing great, even through the pandemic.

Then 2022 hit.. In May, she began showing signs of a depressive rut again. My job became very hectic and stressful during the pandemic, and continued into 2021. I changed jobs in late 2021, but felt as though I had a sort of PTSD from the previous job. I was very obsessive over a lot of things and was in a constant state of stress and worry. She would tell me during the beginning of 2022 that I needed to get a grip, that she was feeling depressed and it sends her to a "dark place" when I get overly stressed about things. One thing that I stressed about was our oldest daughter that was going through some major anxiety in her early teenage years. My wife began checking out during this time and I was basically left to these things alone. I asked her several times if she was feeling so depressed that she was distancing from me. She would always tell me no, that she was just going through a very bad rut. In August, her GP doubled the dosage of her anti-depressant. She then became even more emotionally blunted after that, not caring about anything or anyone. On October 14, she came home very tipsy on a Saturday and had been crying all day. That night, I checked her phone (which I never did) and saw some texts to a friend of hers about how she was "ending things" with "Mike" because he always put her last, and it was always on his terms. I immediately knew that this was another affair. The difference was, I never felt the emotional disconnect like I did in the past. I questioned her the next morning and discovered that this had been a PA off and on since May. She broke it off 4 different times out of guilt and conviction, but he would always get back with her trying to be friends. They had full blown sex 4 times, and oral a few others over the course of 5 months. This being physical completely devastated me. I told her that I could not see how we could overcome this, but I wouldn't make any rash decision right away. She threatened to swallow a bottle of pills and end it all of I divorced her, because she couldn't picture life without our family together. Should have thought about that when entering the A.. During the past 3 months, she has been extremely remorseful, begging, crying, all of those sorts of things. We are planning to attend MC in January. I have been in IC since November, and she also begins IC in January.

She went to a psychiatrist in October who recognized that the anti-depressant prescribed by her GP had made her emotionally blunted. She weaned her from it, and started her on Welbutrin to increase her dopamine. This really has made a huge difference in her personality, as she actually seems to care about things for the first time in a long time. She looks back at the affair and it disgusts her. She doesn't even recognize who she was during that time.

My emotions and thoughts have been like a roller coaster. There are so many times that feel like such a fool to try and continue this M. However, with her being emotionally blunted by what seems to be a poorly prescribed and monitored anti-depressant, I feel that I should give it one last attempt at R. I asked 1,000's of questions to get every detail possible, so I've been through the mind movies until my brain is numb. I seem to be past the initial pain of it, so now I'm facing all of the major trust issues. I'm sure that will probably be there for the rest of my life, hopefully to a lesser extent over time. I also have lesser feelings for her. I still love her, or I wouldn't be attempting a final R. But, I have a LOT of resentment over this. In the beginning of R, we had constant sex, which seemed to be a form of hysterical bonding. After I began to get past the pain and see things more clearly, that's when my feelings began to fade some. At this point, I began having performance anxiety and periodic dysfunction, which I've never had in my life. This added to the mental anguish, but I have been working to get through it.

I realize that a lot of people might not see how I could possibly continue in this M. However, my gut tells me to give it this one last shot due to the problems that she has been through. Just really looking for any insight on anyone that has experienced anything similar and if there is any real hope in change on her part, or a return of feelings on my part.

46 comments posted: Sunday, December 25th, 2022