Feeling destroyed

I'm not sure where to start.
Been lurking here for a couple weeks since my I found out about my wives infidelity. This is our second dday.

I'm 33 and she's 34. We met in 2014, she was my first love. I've dated other people before but I felt like she was the one. I got out of the military and We got married in 2016. Things seem to be going well, or so I thought. I found a job in 2017 and was put into the graveyard shift almost straight away, not my choice but we needed the money.

Now fast forward to Nov 2019, one night she seemed depressed so I went to talk to her and she confessed that she had a 1 year affair with one of her friends, I had my suspicions, she would hang out with him a lot alone and come home drunk.
I asked if anything was going on but she told me "he's just a friend going throug a rough time" I wanted to trust her and could not imagine she would do that so I believed her. By the time she confessed she said the affair had been over for a few months. I was devastated, asked her to cut all contact and to the best of my knowledge she did. We decided to work on things, I asked her about details and she was forthcoming with the info. She seemed truly remorseful and to want to fix this situation.

Shortly after this, the pandemic happened and I was laid off. She was teaching from home. I was depressed about the A, about losing my job.
Now I have a lot of issues aswell, I'm no saint. I'm very lazy and have to be asked to pick up after myself and take care of general chores, this was a major point of contention in our relationship. I would try to do better but would fall off eventually.
I found a new job in march 2020, was in the day shift at first and things seemed great, we were able to see each other and were generally happy, or so I thought.

After a few months I was forced Into the night shift again. I was nervous about this because of the last time but I wanted to move forward and start trusting her again. She was drinking a lot, she was struggling at work, she'd been going on like 3 years without an assistant and was feeling overwhelmed. At the beginning of the school year she finally got an assistant, a 21 year old dude. She seemed happy to finally have help and I was happy for her.

Now this kid didnt have a car and lived with his parents, so she would pick him up and drop him off at home at the end of the work day. Apparently he had a lot of trouble with his parents so she said she felt sorry for his home situation. She started spending time with him, now I'm uncomfortable but I didn't think she would hook up with what I basically saw as a troubled kid. He even came to my house once and shook his hand. I again voiced my concerns and again she said nothing was happening.

A few weeks ago, it's been crazy so I can't remember the exact dates, she told me that she thought she wanted a divorce. She said that I wasn't fixing my issues that I still needed to be told to do everything and that she didnt think I would change. We talked again, I asked if there was anyone else, she says no. I promised to work on my issues and I was trying, doing everything without being told, being proactive. A week after that i come home from work at 10pm and she's not home. I start to get worried and call her, she's not picking up, I'm thinking something happened to her. She finally calls me back, and tells me she's on the way home. She gets home drunk, I again asked her if anything was going on and she says no.
I had a nagging feeling, so I did something I've never done before, I looked through her phone. I opened the messeges and there they were. I had to do a double take because I thought I was looking at my own texts. There were "I love you" "I miss you" all that stuff. My body went cold and I woke her up. She didn't try to deny it, says it's been going on for 2 months and she says she cares about him. I'm in true disbelief, maybe I'm an idiot but despite this happening before I just could not believe it.
She agrees to break up with him, I listen in the call, I talk to him and he threatens to kick my ass if he ever sees me.

The next day I'm a wreck so I call off work. Then she comes in and tells me that she thought about it and that she wants a divorce after all, that she doesn't want to hurt me anymore, that we're not compatible, that she doesn't feel seen. I break down, I'm not proud of this but I basically beg her to reconsider and to go MC, she refuses. I later see her calling her AP to make sure he wasn't gonna quit.

At this point I call my family, and I leave to stay with my mother for Christmas 4 hours away. It was an awful Christmas. Even being surrounded by family I felt alone and missed her. Now I'm back in town and staying with my brother and his family. She's still firm that she wants a D so I guess that's it. I'm moving my stuff out of the house(it belongs to her dad)and I'm temporarily moving in with my brother.

I still want her back despite all this, I couldn't imagine a life without her. She was my best friend. I don't know how I can keep going. I feel broken.
I feel like I'm going crazy.

138 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023