Initial Confrontation

First some context. My husband and I had a serious fight 5 nights ago, because he had rejected me sexually. This has happened so frequently throughout the marriage, and with all the accumulated sadness and rejections, I just broke down and started crying and screaming. I'd had a few drinks earlier while i was out to dinner, so then that fight then became all about how I shouldn't drink. I admit I probably shouldnt be drinking at all now due to the stress in my life. When I woke up the next morning I felt deeply ashamed and humiliated. I apologized immediately for my drunk yelling and losing control and said that I hoped he could forgive me. He didnt say anything, but just kind of gave me a nod like he heard me.

Then I went to visit a sick close relative in the hospital. When I came home in the afternoon he was gone and didn't come back for about 5 hours. When I asked where he was, he said he was out running errands, walking (in the frigid cold) and that he went to visit a guy friend. I was still reeling from my feelings of shame, so I didn't think anything then.

But yesterday morning, his phone was stuck on being unlocked while he was asleep. A nagging feeling told me to check it. There were texts to a woman identified only by her last name. It showed that he was with her on that afternoon in question. I only got to look for about 30 seconds before it locked and so I was not able to screenshot anything. I didn't see any smoking gun like that they slept together or sexting, just it confirmed that he had been there in her home with her, and I also saw a lot of stupid texts that preceded that visit, mainly talking like they were just good friends.

As hard as it was, I decided to just digest the information and not confront yet and see if I could gather more info.
But This is all I have. I don't have access to the phone bill, and we keep our money separate. He is very protective of that phone, I can see why now. Later on yesterday, we were on our way somewhere, and he was texting in front of me to a chain of guy friends, but underneath it I saw that woman's last name again, so he'd texted her that day too. He saw me looking over his shoulder and then he just tilted the phone toward him very slightly. Very slick.

I feel like I want to confront him now. I don't want to admit I looked through his phone, because he is a litigious type and I imagine if we get a divorce he will get me in legal trouble for that. But I thought of simply asking him--hey, really, where were you on that day? I expect he will lie again, and then I thought of saying, "Well may I see your phone? I saw this weird name when I looked over your shoulder yesterday," and then if he doesn't give me the phone immediately, what should I say?

Please please help.

43 comments posted: Sunday, January 1st, 2023