Recently found out

I am new to this forum. I live in the Uk. I found out 2.5 months ago that my H had been having an affair. I didn’t see it coming and feel foolish!
We have been together 22 years, married for 19. We have three teenage children. My H was acting strange for a few months before I found out. Started exercising more, taking care of his appearance, started being critical of me and grumpy with the kids. I knew in my gut something was wrong and I asked him if he was seeing someone. He replied that he had started seeing someone in 2019 when he was away in Europe for work. My H travels for work and from 2017 until the pandemic, he was away half the week to Europe. He said he had been unhappy in the marriage for years and met someone whilst away for work. He said they still texted during the pandemic and he still has feelings for her. I thought we were happy. He said the classic line of ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you’. He refused to go to counselling and said he didn’t think we could fix our marriage. He said his AP had almost died a year ago and that she was still ill. He hasn’t travelled to Europe much since the pandemic but pre discovery, he went over to see her a few times and they both still have feelings for each other, even though she is now with someone else (if that is true!). He said there is no plan for her to move to the UK as she is too ill and he won’t move to Europe because of the kids.
I kicked him out and he stayed with friends initially and is now renting a place nearby.
Also, 11 years ago, while I was pregnant with my youngest, my H was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He is now in remission but it will come back at some stage according to his doctor.
Neither of us got counselling at the time and he said he didn’t want to discuss it with me after a while as he wanted to forget about it. Now looking back, I think that changed us.
Also, he always initiated sex. I struggle with being affectionate. He now says that he thought I didn’t love him as I wasn’t caring enough to him or having sex enough. That is why the affair happened as our marriage had broken down and he stopped having feelings for me. However, we still spent lots of one to one time together, getting babysitters and going on dates.
Around the time, he started having the affair, we stopped having regular sex and for the past few years, have not had sex much. We also weren’t cuddling and I felt a drift between us. I know now that he was seeing the AP then. I blame myself for not discussing our lack of intimacy.
A few weeks after discovery, I found out he was still texting his AP. I asked him to break all contact and he said he did. Of course, I don’t know if that is true. I don’t know his password for his phone, computer etc. I used to but he changed it years ago, apparently because he had a fraud alert! I feel stupid for not seeing the red flag! I asked him for passwords to phones, computer etc and he said there has been no contact but he has photos of her archived and he doesn’t want me snooping. I haven’t pushed it further as it has been the holiday period.
He is still in his own place but he is in the house constantly and is very caring towards me and the kids and is cooking, helping out etc. During the holiday period he has been staying here but in a separate room. There has been no intimacy with us but we are still friends and hanging out. He says I am his best friend!
He is in IC, as am I and he said that he is a mess after his cancer and depressed and once he has worked on himself, he will go to MC with me. However, he said he doesn’t want to go back with me if he will be miserable and at the moment, he doesn’t trust himself to be faithful! He said he is not committed to reconciling. He says he needs an emotional, physical and spiritual connection and he doesn’t know if he can have that with me!
In a few weeks he will be starting to travel each week to London with one overnight stay. He said he will give me flight details, diary, hotel details but I still don’t trust him.
My gut is telling me that he is still texting his AP. He is certainly still in the fog. I think I need to ask to see his phone and put some boundaries in place but I am struggling and not sleeping much still. I also believe that it is pointless going to MC if he is not fully committed or remorseful. He says he has shame but I don’t believe he is remorseful. He said no-one else knew about the affair and after discovery, he had to tell family, work and friends. My kids also found out. I think that is where the shame is coming from rather than remorse for what he did to me.
I think he wants his family and the security of his life but still wants his AP. I still care for him and want us to work it out but don’t want to be with someone that loves someone else or who only stays for the sake of the kids. Don’t know what to do. Any advice would be much appreciated.
Sorry for the long message and so much information! Thanks for reading.

21 comments posted: Wednesday, January 4th, 2023