I can’t believe this is happening. I think I sound like a cliche.

I feel so sick I can barely type this on my phone with my shaking hands. I knew she had cheated in the past and frankly I don’t blame her. For reasons: I have been severely depress for the last ten or twelve years. Even I couldn’t stand me. I been in therapy of one kind or another for almost 30 years and taken mountains of medication of one type or another for as long. I’ve treated her and the kids badly. Mostly with being bad tempered, and plenty of irrational outbursts.( No violence of any kind. I’d hurt myself before I physically hurt anybody despite all my noise.) I couldn’t have done a better job of killing love. Anyone else would have left years ago. What snapped me out of it was phoning her with a bill question and waking her up at 1:00 in the afternoon, then hearing her current boyfriend muttering "whose that" from the other side of the bed. It snapped me out of my depression like nothing ever has. It sounds far fetched and I can scarcely believe it. My thinking is clear and I want to keep us together. In the last month I’ve done more reading and journaling on what needs to change with me and our relationship then ever before.
The causes of our relationship disfunction are deep and wide and equally shared between the two of us. Although we’ve both been in therapy for years we’ve never been able to communicate our joint needs and frustrations in our relationship.
When I told her about my "road to Damascus" moment I think she was just days or hours of walking out for good. This knocked her back emotionally for the last six weeks. She had continued to see her other man and there isn’t much I can reasonably do about that. She’s led me to believe that she would not rule out trying to save our marriage. For that I’m thankful and hopeful. However; here it comes, I’ve recently come across the sexting and more intimate aspects of their relationship. It was always happening as in any affair, but seeing it in black and white was jarring especially since I’ve been relegated to the second bedroom for a number of years now. We were never a good match in terms if sex. If it sounds like I’m obsessed with the sex it’s only because physical contact (not just sex) is important to me and not such with her. No one has held or touched me with other than friendship for almost five years. Turns out we were both compromising our needs for the others happiness. I always worried about her satisfaction because she’s the only women I’ve ever been with. I asked about her comfort and she said she was okay. She just didn’t have a drive or need approaching mine. But now that I’ve read their intimate notes and find out some other guy is having the sex I always wanted with the woman I loved. All the things I’d suggested that she’s now doing with another man. Going forward all I can offer is a shared past, kids etc, and a great deal of work to regain what we had. On the other hand, with the other man she has the intimacy we used to share, the easy and fun way of being together we used to have, and great sex as suggested by yours truly. The intimate stuff shouldn’t bother me because isn’t that what having another man is all about but it sure hurts seeing typed out for you. I don’t know how this is going to turn out but someone is going to be really badly emotionally hurt. I’m trying to keep the "black dogs" at bay, but here I am screaming into the internet void.
Both my parents and my sister are gone now. She is the last person on earth that really knows me. I grieved my parents and sister passing but I was not prepared for the loneliness that followed and persists. Now if I lose my wife completely it will be like the death of the last person that actually knows me. The rest of my lonely life will be nothing but acquaintances and superficial conversations about the weather and hockey. I don’t think I can bear it.
But I’m still willing to work to save what we had. I’m just not convinced she is.
I’m already getting a couple of Gottman’s horseman, contempt, and nitpicking, petty bickering. Like she’s trying to convince herself, and turn me away.

31 comments posted: Friday, January 13th, 2023