I stayed until I hated him

At this point I can’t help but laugh. This is long and my story is a rollercoaster, so buckle up.

I had an 8 year relationship that resulted from a teen pregnancy with a guy I had only known for 6 weeks and later married. Lots and lots of infidelity on his part over the course of years that I found out about at the very end when I walked away, and I’m sure lots of infidelity I never even found out about. He was very emotionally closed off, loved gaslighting, emotionally abusive etc. I had known in my heart he was cheating from year 2 onward, but he never admitted it until the very END. During this marriage I essentially collapsed in on myself like a dying star, unable to feel comfortable or trust. By the time I left, it was 2017 and I was 27 with a 7 year old child, no money of my own, unemployed. I left him with $16 and no plan. Lol.

In this marriage I became a "wine mom" and withdrew from my family, friends, dropped out of college and completely lost myself. I fought like hell in a bitter divorce and custody battle to start working, rebuild my life from the ground up and be a better friend, family member, everything. Sober :)

By the time my WS found me, I was doing very well but was SUPER transparent about how hard I had worked to get to that point and that I would not condone cheating or dishonesty of any kind. Other than that, it did not matter. I enjoyed that he was a work in progress after also going through a horrible divorce with his own cheating spouse and was willing to take it as slow as I wanted. We were friends with benefits for over 18mo before we committed.

It’s like as soon as I committed to him fully, a mask came off. He was mean, negative, controlling. This time, I found myself not desperate to fix things like I was in my marriage, and I told him we need to take a break after only 3 months of dating. I missed my friend. I didn’t know who this person was. I started hooking up with an old FWB but we later reconciled, and I was honest. He told me I had cheated, and he was devastated. I vehemently disagreed that I had cheated and he said he would get over it eventually.

Fast forward the year from hell, including the death of my mother AND my best friend, totaling my car and suffering a miscarriage. It’s 2019. I am 29. He starts being INCREDIBLY mean, and for no reason. I am literally in the middle of my miscarriage at this point, and it’s around Christmas time. I am suddenly overwhelmed with an urge to look through his phone, for the first time ever.

And there it is. Emotional affairs with two coworkers, one more explicit than the other with lots and lots of complaining about me. Things that were blatant lies. Basically explaining away why I’m all over his social media and he lives with me and my child, but he’s not cheating by talking to them. I immediately confront.

He first tries to brush it off, lies, trickle truths. Then for some reason gets mean and aggressive for the next two weeks, telling me that he felt it was tit for tat because I had cheated and he liked these women because they were the opposite of me. He talked about wanting to be with one of the two. I invited him to do just that after the two week mark. I was just done. He did a 180 and immediately started love bombing me, and I stayed like an idiot. I know now it was because we were financially dependent on one another. But I started drinking again, worse than ever before.

I sank into a deep state of apathy regarding the relationship, but, like it was a drug, I kept going through his phone. Wanting to know everything became an obsession. Every single time I would find something. Porn, links for escort services, proof he lied about where he was certain days, proof he had told me he makes $200 less a week than he really did so I was sinking my whole check into bills yet he had fun money, lots and lots of trans women porn/content, only fans receipts. Proof he was on gay dating apps or sites (very closeted bi). Proof that he had been taking steroids and drinking heavily. I was mentally preparing to leave at this point, and then I discovered I was pregnant. Great.

He basically weaved the web of a master manipulator during my pregnancy, convincing me that his actions resulted from substance abuse. Not because he was just a bad dude or anything. I had known about his sexuality but just the sheer volume of porn made me sick to my stomach. It wasn’t casual enjoyment, it was obsessive. He told me some story about being SA’d as a child and having an unhealthy relationship with sex because of it. It made me feel sympathy for him as someone who has also struggled, and I swept it under the rug, but was still guarded. He had blocked the two coworkers and no longer worked in the office due to the pandemic. I’m not drinking anymore because I am pregnant, and I work full time out of the home 2 miles away. I notice that when I’m sober I absolutely resent this man and never feel like I have a future with him, and I’m more easily manipulated when I’m drinking several nights a week.

Now more of a timeline from that point, which would start about July of 2020 and end now. Just assume that when confronted about his lies and cheating that I was manipulated heavily, lied to, convinced to give him *one more chance!*

1. I’m 5 months pregnant and I walk in and see he’s on the work instant messenger with the coworker he threw in my face and said he wanted to leave me for.

2. I start tracking his location and bank account and he’s spending more money at restaurants than one person would reasonably spend and he’s not telling me the truth where he is, unaware I’m tracking him.

3. He figures out I’m tracking him and shuts off his location, stays out all night and into the afternoon, at which point I file a missing persons report. He shows back up and told me he was drunk and passed out with a buddy.

4. I find out he’s been using drugs recreationally and has started selling them, which absolutely panics me because of our children. Immediate ultimatum. He stops, but he becomes INCREDIBLY mean and blames it on quitting.

6. I snap and we live apart for 4 months before I go and stay with him while awaiting an apartment I have lined up because I have literally no other choice. I’m completely sober and have realized that I do not have a chemical dependency on alcohol and have been using it to self medicate from these horrible relationships. I have two different therapies, have good friendships and am feeling hopeful about my future again. I’m very emotionally distant from him, but still obsessed with knowing the full truth and combing through his phone.

5. I realize that while he was apart from me he’s been seeing other women, staying at hotels, going on dates. Talking to the coworker but keeping her as a back burner while he love bombs some girl he met on tinder, while love bombing me. He’s talking to her about wanting full custody of our toddler and that he’s in love with her while telling me he wants to reconcile with me. Still obscene amounts of porn. Ha!

I realize this guy is sick on like a pathological level, and far worse than my ex who at least owned up for his faults and knows he’s an AH. This guy always has an excuse. Nothing is ever his fault. He cheats because he’s vulnerable. The porn was just downloaded in a bulk file, he doesn’t look at them, it’s just a habit. He’s mean because he’s tired from work. The coworker is obsessed with him and a "stalker." He is the victim in all of this, he has been hurt so much. My drinking damaged him. My alleged "affair" caused this. He was trying to monkey branch into a new relationship because he was devastated I had given up on us. Will I fight for us?

I have no fight left. He should have just left me alone. I am disgusted that he chased me and groomed me in a friendship with benefits knowing how vulnerable I was. I’m convinced now that he is a narcissist. I look back embarrassed over the last decade plus of my life with these men.

Although technically DDay was just the day after Christmas when I looked inside his Snapchat, I don’t mourn for the relationship anymore. I am looking for support on why I rug-sweep, poison myself with alcohol, and ignore my boundaries.

4 comments posted: Monday, January 9th, 2023