Cheated on my Wife in past before we got married...

My wife (let's call her Beth) and I have been married for around a year now. We've been together for about 7 years total and met in a small college in Europe. I would say we have a great relationship. I would do anything for her and she'd do anything for me. We have never fought before and though she has yelled at me for stuff I've done wrong usually I immediately apologize. Same with her. We really do love each other and would take a bullet for each other.

Story:

When I first met my wife in college we chatted almost everyday. I asked her to be my girlfriend, but she initially rejected me as she had just left a relationship. Beth and I still talked everyday and a week later we slept together. The following week I was at a party, got drunk, and ended up sleeping with another girl (let's call her Courtney) and though Beth and I didn't say we were exclusive I feel like it was implied. Courtney and I chatted and agreed to be friends with benefits. At the time in college I felt this wasn't an issue as Beth and I weren't dating. I don't know why I thought this was okay at the time. I was talking to everyday and seeing her weekly to hang out and sleep over and felt emotionally attached to her, but did slept with Courtney twice during that time (3 times total. First time drunk then twice later on sober). I know it's shitty to like someone but still sleep with someone else but I figured since we weren't dating it wasn't a big deal (I was a stupid back then) and would told myself I'd stop if Beth ever liked me back. A month later, Beth told me she grew feelings for me and I immediately asked Beth out. I told Courtney later I was now seeing someone and she said her congrats. Courtney and I haven't slept together after that.

Now Beth is wonderful but, to this day, gets uncomfortably close and physical with other men when she's drunk. I saw this multiple times when we first started dating and it broke my heart. She's never physically cheated on me when drunk afaik but it is not something that I was able to look away on. I was extremely hurt and when I talked to Beth about it she didn't remember (and doesn't to this day when drinking).

I never should've kept in touch with Courtney, but back then I didn't think that it would be an issue. One day, Courtney messaged me and we end chatting and sending nudes to each other.. Though I liked Beth so much, the thought of her drunk just made me act irrationally. I still talked to Beth everyday after this but kept this hidden from her. It was a way of me to cope.. A few months later, Beth gets drunk again and the same thing happened. I was hurt beyond words. I couldnt even blame Beth since she was drunk, but I couldn't let it go either. Later on Courtney asked to grab lunch and afterwards ended up coming over my apartment to hang out. I felt terrible/angry/confused about how Beth acted drunk and my mind was not in the right place. Courtney ended up giving me fellatio in my room. To this day, I don't know if I did this out of anger, to cope, or if I was just horny. However, after that incident I never blamed Beth for acting that way when she got drunk ever again. That day was the last time I got physical with Courtney. We did keep in touch briefly but it was never anything sexual.

I buried this entire memory and actually forgot about this incident over time. Since then I had moved in with Beth and realized the importance of loyalty and trust and feel like I've become a new person in the years. A few years later, Beth and I get married and I randomly get a text from Courtney asking how I've been and to hang out. I had totally forgotten about her. I briefly say hello but make it clear that I'm not interesting in staying in touch with her.

That was last year. I had just blocked out everything in the past but suddenly recently I've been feeling very bad once I realized and remembered what I did... By this point I'd grown and changed and would rather be cheated on than to cheat. I want to confess so badly as I'm feeling terrible about it and scared of being caught. I don't want to lie now that I've fully realized what I'd done in the past, but know this would absolutely kill Beth. I really feel like I was a different person back then and the circumstances were unusual but it's still not an excuse for what I did. I'm prepared to give everything I own to Beth, help her find trust and happiness again even if it's with someone else, but know this will change her forever. I don't know if her heart would be able to take it. I don't care if people will hate me, but I don't want Beth to be humiliated..

I wrote a confession letter to give to Beth, but everyone I spoke to said that the time to confess has passed and it's likely that I should just keep this secret to myself and truly be loyal to Beth going forward. This guilt and fear is getting to my head as I'm not able to focus at work. I want to confess but I realize it would kill Beth. I set up an appointment with a therapist to help guide me through what to do. I figured I'd ask here in the meantime..

I do not blame Beth for her actions when drunk. I could have easily asked Beth to drink less and is not in any way an excuse for what I did.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 9:24 AM, Thursday, January 12th]

4 comments posted: Tuesday, January 10th, 2023