How to regain trust after an affair

I'm a 52 year old male who has been married for 25 years. My wife has lost over 100 pounds over the past year and looks incredible, and feels very good about herself for the first time in many years.

However, she has been going out more than usual over the past month, coming home later than usual, with people I do not know well. She has also been difficult to contact while she is out, which is not like her.

I confronted her about this, and she said nothing is going on, but told a few things that I did not entirely believe. Given my ongoing doubts, I checked her phone records, and see that she has been talking to and texting a guy many times per day and night, with calls lasting an hour plus. He lives one street away from us. When I confronted her about this, she said he was a client of hers, and they just talk a lot. However, she did not show me any texts, claiming they were all deleted, which I later confirmed that she deleted every single text after I confronted her, and they cannot be recovered. She was never the type to delete anything from her phone before this.

I did find a screenshot of a text from him that said "slow and deep for starters", which obviously does not sound like something an accounting client would be texting. I also found that on the day I suspected something was up, she made dinner for us and said she was "taking some next door to the neighbor", which she does from time to time. But I asked her yesterday and she admitted to "dropping it off on his porch because his mom is dying", while I was out shopping. She claims she has never been in his house, never met him in person, he's married, he's 63 years old, blah blah blah. She has claimed many things that have since been proven false. Also doesn't seem willing to share proof that he's a client at all.

Bottom line, I know for sure she crossed the line in at minimum an emotional affair, and more than likely physical.

She does not want to divorce, and I'm still on the fence, leaning towards staying, as this has never before happened. My concern is how I can ever trust her again if we remain together. During lunch yesterday I noticed she didn't have her phone out, which she always does. I asked about it, and she took it out of her pocket and turned away from me while unlocking it. She then set it face down for the rest of lunch. This was after I told her I will file for divorce if she is still in contact with him. Obviously she knows not to call or text him since I see the records, but there are tons of other ways to talk.

I don't want to track her each and every move, but I do feel its reasonable to be able to see her phone if there is nothing going on with him. Question is... how do I regain my trust? If she goes to work and goes out for drinks after, what should I expect her to do? We had a long talk tonight and she finally changed from defensive to apologetic.

69 comments posted: Tuesday, January 17th, 2023

Do I need the entire truth to attempt reconciliation?

I just posted my situation in Just Found Out, but wanted some feedback from here as well. I'm 52, wife 51, married 25 years.

Quick summary (more details in my JFO post)... My wife has lost over 100 pounds over the past year, and over the past few months has been going out with friends/coworkers, something she did not do much when she was overweight. I recently became suspicious, asked her if anything was going on, she denied, so I checked the phone records, and found she had been communicating with a 63 year old married man, who lives a mile away, since early December. Lots of texts and long phone calls.

I confronted her with this, and she claimed he was an accounting client. But shortly after I confronted her she deleted all of her texts from her phone. I did find one via a screenshot, and it was "slow and deep for starters". She finally owned up to talking to him too much, and to a point to having an emotional affair with him. Continues to deny anything happened in person, even though she admitted to dropping off a meal on his porch.

Naturally she deflects the situation by bringing up issues we have had, mainly my drinking, but I keep telling her this indiscretion has nothing to do with my drinking. Another share is that I have ED, and have not pursued medical help since we hadn't been having sex at all until this past summer, as I've been waiting for my annual physical, but I should have addressed this sooner given our recent intimacy.

I have asked her to end all contact and take an STD test.

I would prefer to try and get over whatever happened, and ultimately repair the issues that have kept us distent for quite a long time, although with the weight loss we have been not been as distent.

Anyway, I know there is more that she is not sharing. My question is do I need to know the entire truth to consider reconciliation? I've seen mention of a timeline on other posts, not sure what this is all about.

13 comments posted: Wednesday, January 11th, 2023