Warning: I Probably Am the Dumbest Wife You'll Come Across

Hi. So, my husband cheats every time we get into an argument pretty much or any time he is under a lot of stress. He checks all of the boxes of a serial cheater. We are in therapy now, and my therapist said that she believes that he could change and only time will tell. She supports me giving him one more chance. We are both 28, and the only thing tying us together is the house we just signed for. He swears to me every day that he is never going to cheat on me anymore, and we have Life360, the app that allows us to tell where each other are. Because he has cheated so much, I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

He swears this time is different and that he's crazy about me, and he's doing things he's never done before like changing his phone number, answering any questions I have without getting angry, doing Life360, and deleting all apps that he was flirting with others on. I feel like the world's biggest idiot because I am considering giving him one more chance. If he does it again or things start to not add up again, I am ready to leave. I am no longer in love with him. I love and care about him, but he's hurt me so much that I don't know anymore about us. He said to give him a chance to prove to me that he has changed. He wants me to give him a chance before filing for a divorce. He tells me.. don't you see (after a month) all that I've been doing? The answer is no. I don't trust him so... I mean.. Even while having Life360, I think maybe he's driving women around getting off that way to throw me off of his trail (I don't know that he's actually doing this, but this is one of the thoughts that cross my mind). I think he's been immature, and I feel so stupid, yet I want to be honest on this post. I wonder if he's matured and realized that I will actually leave him and what if he changes this time for real?

Has anyone waited to see if a habitual cheater would change and seen a change? Also, does anyone have any tips on what to watch out for? I know that I should be watching his actions to see if he's changed. What am I looking for exactly? I have been denying allowing him to take me out. I love dating but now.. I would rather just stay home and do things that I want to do instead of waste time doing whatever he thinks might bring us closer. I am going to continue doing one on one therapy, because I have now realized that I do not value myself like I should, which is really sad to me. I have accomplished so much, and I feel like I am not valuing myself because I let this man (we've been married 4 years and together for 5 years) disrespect me and the relationship. I don't know how to value myself anymore other than focus more on what makes me happy and keep going to therapy. I have lost myself, and I'm trying to pick myself back up.

This is hard, and him actually having sex with other people is a curve ball to me. I knew that for years, at least once per year, he would get upset and flirt with someone else online, but at the end of 2022, he had sex with three different women. I am a good woman and a good wife, and although my mom keeps saying to stop asking why... I keep wondering why do this to me? What's the point? Looking for words of wisdom. I read all responses. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

17 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023

I think I'm married to a serial cheater.

Hello. I was surprised to find this website. Well, it happened to me, my worst fear since becoming married. I'm 28, and my husband is also 28. My husband cheated. Again and again and again. This time it was physical. We have been married for 4 years, but together for 5 years. We don't have children, but he really really really wants kids. He has low sperm count, and we tried IUI once. I had a miscarriage. Since the first year of marriage, he's flirted online probably once per year. It upset me but I was able to forgive it since it was online. Then, one day it was a coworker he flirted with. I confronted her and told him it wasn't okay. She said she had a boyfriend, apologized, and said she'd never speak to him again. I probably shouldn't have spoken to her, but I always feel like I need to tell these women to stay away and that he's married.

I know he should be the one to not even open that door. We moved on. He said that when he's stressed out, he did it but told me he'd never do it again. In the beginning of October of 2022, we signed for a house together. The day we signed for the house, I found out he was at another woman's house just the night before. I legally could not get out of the binding contract.

So, I tried to move forward with him and give him one more chance. I told him our last chance was to try therapy to see what's really going on and why he keeps doing it and why it's gradually getting worse. Pretty much, it is his way to avoid conflict and escape his problems. He doesn't love these women, but they helped him to escape reality for a moment. It's sick to me. I am able to stay faithful when we have a disagreement, so what's his problem? We started therapy in the beginning of October, and by mid December, I found that he'd been talking to a LIST of women and had sexual relations with 3 women within the time that we were in counseling. He was giving the women he had sex with money and paying phone bills. He also thought he got one of them pregnant because the condom broke in her. He texted her that if she wasn't pregnant, he was going to get her pregnant. When I confronted him about this, he said that he texted that but he didn't mean that. He said it was "all talk".

I was done. He managed to carefully come home at a decent time and make me feel special like we actually had a chance. The whole time, he was still cheating. I told him I wanted a divorce and all of a sudden, he switched up his tune. He's now doing things he hadn't done before. He wanted to do Life360 (the app that allows you to see where each other are at all times). So, we do that now, and he said that it's because he wants me to know that he's telling the truth. Mind you, the counselors suggested this app in the beginning of therapy, and he was totally against it. He said that it was like giving the cheat code to the relationship. ?? He also gave me the password to his phone so that I could have all access. He messaged each person and told them all he's married and can't talk to them anymore. He blocked them. Then, he changed his phone number. He deleted all social media where he flirted with others. This is all great stuff and everything, but now I am trying to get the trust back for him.

At one time, I felt like I didn't love him anymore. I just feel so lost. I have started doing more for myself. I have been taking myself out to the spa and just dating myself again. I just want to take care of myself since I feel like he hasn't been. I often wonder if I am doing the right thing by staying with him. I do believe him when he says he loves me, but in the back of my mind, I am also thinking, who does this to people they love? Also, why would he change now? He's willing to give up everything he was doing now? Why not in the beginning of therapy? The therapist asked me to ask him why now? He said that when I caught him doing it, he needed help to stop. I brought this up in therapy, and he said that he's been grieving his son's passing. Right before we got together, he was with someone else for several years, and they lost a son together.

I didn't know when we were dating. I had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, and he felt like a breath of fresh air. We were helping to heal each other at that time. Now I feel broken and like I've lost purpose. I am trying to do right and try to keep my marriage as long as I can, but I wonder if this is what was intended for me. I am no longer in that stage where I am angry all of the time and unpredictable, thank God. It was affecting how much I ate and my job attendance. I'm at that stage now where I feel confused, lost, uncertain, and I don't know. I feel like a big question mark is on my future now. He's here and doing everything right, for now, but now I don't know if he's who I should be with. I don't want to be in another relationship. I would just travel, but I don't know if he's worth sharing my life with now. I am trying to be as forgiving as possible, not just for him, but for myself.

I feel like I have forgiven some because I am not as angry with him. I understand he's human and makes mistakes but... I don't know anymore about us. I would love him to be the husband I've wanted all along, which he seems to be playing the part now, but why didn't he do this the first, second, fifth, and seventh time he cheated? He said that he is willing to give it up because I am genuine now for the first time. My love has always been genuine. He trusts me whole heartedly for this reason, but the only thing I was genuine about this time was leaving him. :( It shouldn't take all of this for him to change. Ugh, I don't know anymore. I am looking for words of wisdom. Thank you for reading

28 comments posted: Monday, January 16th, 2023