BH 50
WW 46
DDay August 2020.

Grieving what was, and what will never be.

Hi!

I'm not sure how to past a link to my past threads on my story, but the 20c version is, WW cheated with AP, willingly and enthusiastically engaged in multiple sexual acts with AP that have always been verboten in our sexlife (many of which would be considered vanilla to most), leaving passionless starfish sex for me, and almost anything goes with AP. DD was orchestrated during the depths of covid lockdowns between WW and her IT, with me being broadsided by WW and IT during one of her sessions. IT and WW had worked out strategy, along with a reconciliation pathway for us both to commence, and with covid, I wasn't going anywhere, so I was initially trading the path laid out for me.

R was difficult, with the sex acts freely offered to AP still emphatically denied in our bedroom. WW maintained that she was "playing a role" and that "other person" was "not her". Feel free to read the other thread (perhaps a mod can link to it - It was titled

"Not sure I can move past this..."

As you can imagine, things have not worked out, and I had decided to call time on the marriage, however for finance and child raising responsibilities, this has been difficult.

Things have been, as you would expect, quite up and down. WW and I are awaiting the 12 month timeframe to finalise divorce as is required here, but our assets and finances are largely separate at this point. We are still co-habitating, with WW taking over the guest room. Prior to the decision day, WW and I were seeing separate IC's individually, and a separate MC and Sex Therapist (ST) together, with individual sessions as required.

After the decision to split, I have continued with IC and ST (as an individual) to help my mental health and attitudes. WW has also continued ST and IC as she recognised her attitudes were unhealthy for her.

The ST has been good. As you can imagine, our case is a little different, as we are seeing the ST separately (as we are splitting), which means that we have only had 3 sessions where we were together. Personally, I have found the ST to be extremely useful in unpacking some of the sexual baggage I didn't even know I had! Some of my attitudes towards sex were unhelpful, although not nearly as puritanical as my WW was.

WW is finding ST challenging (so she tells me), as she is being faced with the idea that the "sexual monster" that she let loose (as she referred to it), is not a separate person or character, but is an innate part of who she is, and one she needs to embrace if she is to have healthy sexual relationships moving forward.

This has led to an unexpected reaction on my part - after I reached the realization that even if WW becomes healthier in her sexual life and attitudes, I will never experience those things from her. Her AP had that - but not me! I have had to grieve the sexual relationship with my wife that I will never experience. She will work through her puritanical attitudes, and her future partners will benefit from that, but not me. The part of my life with her is over, but she is still here, and I carry the knowledge of what might-have-been, had she decided not to deny me what was thrown at AP.

I have been angry, sad, bargained, the full spectrum over these past months. Anyone else experienced this, and how long can I expect to be feeling this.

WW is still keen to reconcile, but call me shallow, but I just cannot settle for an "acceptable subset" of the things she was willing to do with AP, even if the sexual menu is now larger, I know I will always feel like the booby prize.

Not sure what response I'm looking for here, but to be honest, just writing it down helps - weirdly.

Cheers and thanks for reading.

AN.

24 comments posted: Friday, January 19th, 2024