Anxiety

I am 2 and a half years out. My spouse appears to be doing all the right things.

I am unbelievably anxious today. I have had bad palpitations too. Nothing has really triggered me (more than normal). I don’t get worried if he is away from me. I don’t worry about what he’s up to (I know I cannot control his choices). He can do what he wants to do. I will never again be hurt by a partner the way he hurt me. I have had an okay week or two. Not good but okay.

But oh my I’m anxious. It’s a knot in my stomach too. And tightness in my chest and throat.

I am adopted and have always been a worrier. This however is next level.

Historically his hugs would calm me down. I felt so secure and safe and now I realise I was not safe. It was one of the reasons I felt at home with him - because I felt safe. I have tried breathing exercises. And relaxing but it’s not working. I’m not sure where it’s come from really. I don’t really want hugging by him though, it’s not the same now. I am also now worried about the damage this is doing to me and my life. My relationships, my brain and my body. Cortisol is so bad for us.

I’m not sure if I should look at emdr therapy. Or if there’s any yoga or something that could help. I don’t really want to talk to anyone but I wonder if that’s part of the problem. I was even reluctant to post here.

6 comments posted: Wednesday, October 23rd, 2024

Eye contact

I struggle to look my husband in the eyes. I often shut them or look elsewhere or at the ground. Is this fixable?

During the EA - he would regularly shut his eyes rather than make eye contact - presumably because he didn’t think I was worthy of looking at in comparison to the lady who blew smoke up his arse. Maybe because I repulsed him or maybe to make me feel bad. It was very noticeable at the time.

I really find it hard to maintain eye contact now. I can’t quite articulate why. I feel very uncomfortable.

3 comments posted: Thursday, May 16th, 2024

Something positive

So for 2 years I have worked on me. I had a breakdown and I dragged myself through the days. The pain was unbearable. I wanted to die rather than face another day.

Today I’ve had some amazing things happen. I have worked so much on friendships. I was pretty isolated 2 years ago. Today I had three different, unconnected people contact me and talk about some really big stuff. Personal stuff. It was great. Plus text after text from different people.

So my thought for Friday is remember work on yourself. Connect with people. Everyone. I smiled and chatted even when I was dying inside. One good thing to come out of this shitstorm.

7 comments posted: Friday, May 3rd, 2024

Rewriting history

So in an affair the ws often rewrites marital history . Mine certainly did.

Gottman counselling goes back to the early days and gets you to reminisce as part of the process. We did this very successfully (pre d day). My history was lovely, photos, memory boxes etc. We spent time on this while I had no idea he was a liar. Then d day. Then a year of trickle truth. I think he’s pathetic.

In the last year I have slowly but surely revised our history. My wedding ring is stashed away. I am now back at the beginning and have no positive history left. I’ve successfully rewritten history. I’ve watched it happen and not fought to stop it. I told him what was happening. All photos are in the attic. I don’t look at my phone pictures. If I do see pictures I think of the negative about them. Oh that’s when loser was doing x. I see all his traits as ones that were leading to be a cheat.

The history is a bit of an issue for me. Adopted - and happy about it. I’m good at forgiving. I’m okay without a past (i know nothing at all about my adoption etc. no names, birth history, care home details etc). But I’m not sure I’m okay with no positive adult past. And I now have a small period - approx 6 months of happy adulthood - I return to this time (in my mind) too often.

What I’m not sure about us if this is normal. I’m a bit stuck to be honest.

2 comments posted: Wednesday, April 10th, 2024

Affairs in literature/film

When watching an affair on Tv or reading about one in a book does anyone else look for the characters poor character traits? Does it change how you view the characters? Maybe change your love of them?

Maybe the affair is meant to garner sympathy but instead I see weakness and deception. Seediness rather than romance. Like a man in a grubby jacket who lurks down alley ways with his dirty magazines. Rather than a dashing, romantic hero/heroine (which is what the author/director is often trying to portray).

I watched midsummer nights dream again last month and I now see Titania and Bottom as a great representation of a couple who are cheating.

Technically Titania was under a spell and she genuinely didn’t mean to cheat however that also makes me think of the nonsense that is said post discovery. Was Shakespeare onto something? Was that how Shakespeare saw the ‘love’ in an affair? And the nonsense afterwards.

I never see Romeo and Juliet in affair stories instead I see Titanias adoration of an ass. I now try and work out which character in the affair is Bottom. It helps me with the triggers too.

1 comment posted: Tuesday, February 13th, 2024

Wedding rings

I took my rings off a while back and haven’t put them back on. I currently don’t see the point of putting my wedding ring back on.

Husband no longer asks me about the ring. He was very upset when I removed it and mentioned it many times to me and apparently to his therapist. He says the ring meant a lot to him and he is really upset I won’t wear it. That seems bizarre to me, it really upset him.

I said it meant little to you as you cheated while wearing it.

Can anyone give me thoughts, ideas, discussions points about wedding rings please? I previously loved my ring. I don’t want a new one or him to get a new one and I don’t believe in renewing vows - I really cringe at the idea. I assume everyone renewing vows has experienced infidelity as it transpires most the people I know had. I’d actually prefer to divorce and just live together rather than renew vows. I feel that strongly.

36 comments posted: Tuesday, February 6th, 2024

Texting AP from the bathroom

It seems common that people in affairs text from the bathroom. My spouse spent hours on the loo. (Where I live houses often have a tiny room with just a loo and sink - so unless you stand looking at the loo you are sat on it).

Now if I mention the messaging to him I say ‘when she was texting you while she was taking a dump’ because there’s a good chance that was what she was doing. He knows that was what he was doing.

I think it’s really poignant that they text from the loo. Heart emojis and kisses to messages sent from the throne. Words of adoration holding the loo roll. It’s all a bit grim really.

20 comments posted: Thursday, February 1st, 2024

WS Being prepared to put up with less

I am a BS and I have told my husband I doubt I will ever feel the same about him again. He says this is fine he loves me and he wants to be with me and maybe I will feel different in the future. I doubt I will.

His initial excuses for his behaviour when I discovered his EA was he thought I didn’t love him anymore 😂. He thought I was cheating and I wasn’t affectionate enough etc . The usual sorry story. I am not as affectionate and not as romantic but I am honest and I really loved him. I know he was seeking external validation, he had poor coping techniques and lived in his head and he is working very hard and discussing things he would previously keep to himself. He is reading and acknowledging shame and maladaptive coping techniques, stopped drinking totally etc. I think he is doing the right things. I’m okay with what he is doing. Finding a counsellor not pushing unmet needs is proving tricky and I now laugh and say my need for fidelity is an unmet need does that mean an affair will make it better? Im strong enough to laugh it off and my self esteem is good.

However why is he now okay to tolerate me saying I don’t love you like I used to and I doubt I ever will? You were once someone I adored and would have done anything for but those feelings have gone. Some days I tell him I don’t like him at all.

Why is this okay when he didn’t cope with me loving him? It seems illogical.

28 comments posted: Monday, October 9th, 2023

Daily thoughts

Hi all. I feel different things each day at the minute. Each morning is most odd as I must be processing overnight and I have weird thoughts on waking. I seem to have different musings each day. I am over 1 year out but trickle truth has trickled into this year, so let’s say 3 months.

Today my thoughts have once again turned to ‘I think his behaviour was pathetic’.

He has had self esteem issues and He apparently used to think I thought he was pathetic - I never thought this of him. I really didn’t. I loved him and accepted the flaws I saw. The fact he thought that I saw him as pathetic came out in counselling and the counsellor questioned it and he realised it just wasn’t true. He didn’t just say pathetic it was far more than that but he now knows it wasn’t true just how he felt.

However now I do think he has been pathetic.

He mentioned something a while back and I now wonder if he thought an affair demonstrated he wasn’t pathetic, that he was capable of cheating so therefore desirable and brave? enough to cheat. I am struggling to word this but I do know he cheated out of spite and anger and I think this is also pathetic.

I am annoyed that I am here thinking stuff like this. I am pretty sick of it all to be honest.

Can I get over this particular feeling?

11 comments posted: Friday, August 4th, 2023

Betraying your own values

I am really struggling at the moment. I am okay with what he did , I have details, I don’t want more I recognise I may never understand the full reasons why.

He has stopped drinking, is showing remorse. He is working on being honest and defensiveness. He never blames me (I put my foot down to that nonsense from day 1). He is saying the right things. He has admitted things I could never have found about as he said I needed to know the full truth, which I guess I appreciate but in some ways I wish I didn’t know. He said he wants us to have a good marriage going forward and realised he had to tell me for this to have a chance. He appears appalled by his behaviour but isn’t hiding in shame.

But I am struggling with betraying my own values. The cognitive dissonance is driving me mad! For those that don’t know I am adopted so my issues are maybe a bit different to other peoples. Loss is a massive problem too. I had a breakdown last year over this and I normally cope by shutting down. If I shut down I know my marriage will be over.

Any words of wisdom on betraying your own values and loss would be welcomed. Thank you

14 comments posted: Friday, July 14th, 2023

Why can some BS move past an affair?

After many months of crying, raging and other issues, I feel like I may be turning a corner. However I know that feeling may change tomorrow/ next week. I have had quite a lot of trauma in my life.

What do you think makes one person recover and another person decide to end the relationship? I understand the WS needs to do the work and prove they are safe. For this question I am assuming they have. But still some people cannot continue the relationship.

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts on this? Is it personality traits? Previous experiences?

26 comments posted: Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

Online only affair

Hi all, I am new on here. Husband of 11 years (together 15) engaged in an online affair for approx 5 months last spring. We have 4 kids under 10. He was stupid enough to keep all the messages. There were no naked pictures. They spoke 3 times via FaceTime. They never met in person or video called. I am 99.9% sure this is true as I trawled everything at the time and the messages were all in one place. They live on different continents and I know they never met. He had saved every message.

Despite never meeting they were apparently ‘madly in love’, ‘soulmates’ etc . Full of admiration and words and songs etc. It was like reading texts a 15 year old wrote.

During the 5 months He was getting weirder and weirder. He followed the script and rewrote our history. I was the bad guy and he wasn’t happy, just staying for the kids etc (according to the messages). When he said he wanted to leave he made out it was all my fault. I wasn’t kind or loving or caring etc. I was floored (I didn’t know anything about this lady at this point). I got us into counselling and read everything I could. I lost a lot of weight, couldn’t focus, I was heartbroken and didn’t understand what was going on.

Eventually I said it’s fine, although I love you you aren’t happy so let’s find a way to split up.

Then he changed and he started acting normal again. I checked his phone and found the messages.

I said straight away I am not doing this. The poor woman on the phone thinks you are in a marriage where you wife doesn’t care about you. She thinks I hate you and you are leaving. I’m not playing this game. If you want to go, there’s the door, leave, it’s not a prison. He wanted to stay. We talked for weeks had couple counselling for a while and read books. He followed the script to the letter.

I am not sure if the woman was actually a scammer (no photographs ever), weird social media (some of which was hidden and I reverse searched at the time). Never shows her face. Surely no one would be so sad as to fall for the garbage he wrote? Looking back he is not sure it wasn’t a scam, which he has said makes him feel foolish too.

This year I still feel pretty rubbish some days but okay others. I am now functioning (I’m certain I had PISD). Being hit by a truck would have been preferable to how I felt. I have had days where I cried non stop. Shouted at him. Told him to leave etc.

I’m not sure how I feel. Flat really. Disappointed. I love him and want our relationship to work. Funnily the affair was due to not feeling loved, but I adored him. Truely adored him. I was busy, 4 kids and working full time, I’m the main earner. But how much I adored him is one of the bits that makes me sad for him. He really wanted kids and marriage (more than I ever did). He was having counselling during the affair (bereavement) but I’ve read the counsellors texts which are bizarrely inappropriate, he was aware of the affair. I understand the brain chemicals. The reason people are drawn in. I know I’ll never totally understand his reasons.

His reality hit about 3 days after d day. I saw the fog lift. He broke down. He has broken down many times since. We are together.
But what is yet to come?

I was adopted at birth and am happy with my life I am good at forgiveness. I had trust issues as a teenager due to this and have worked on them for years, so funnily trust is not an issue. My self esteem is good. I feel fine about me. I know people make mistakes, none of us are perfect. I look at him and think idiot somedays, others I feel disappointing, others anger, other days love. But he has fallen hard from the pedestal I put him on. I truly thought he was amazing. I doubt I’ll get that feeling back.

But he has destroyed my love of music (songs being shared), art, films, words, emojis, so much stuff. I didn’t have a sheltered life and this marriage was special to me. He has taken stuff from me- that’s what I’m finding hard. I recognise my response may be a bit different (possibly due to being adopted).

I’m flat. Really flat. He is attentive, loving, caring. We have fun. Like the early days of our marriage. He said every day we are together he appreciates. He is Remorseful. I have not told anyone except an IC and the mc. I have worked full time throughout and been there for my children.

Will I feel better? Has anyone any tips for me?

7 comments posted: Tuesday, February 28th, 2023