Totally Lost Everything

Hello dear valuable members,

I am really sorry to find this website. I don't even remember how many times I attempted to share my story and how many times I decided not to. But today is the day, without having any hopes left I want to share my story.

I don't know where to begin. I broke the most amazing man's heart. He meant the world to me. He was nice, caring, polite and intelligent. We have been together for 5 years, married almost 2. Seems like its not too much but we have such amazing memories together in that amazing 5 years in my life.

I think everything started with our marriage being super fast. We engaged, married and move to a different country in just 3 months. Everything happened too fast. I think my first regret was to not having the "dream wedding" with him. But come to think about it now, it is my inner was just a toddler throwing a tantrum. For about 1.5 year of our marriage, we spend our time to get used to this foreign country, our new jobs, buying a house and a car together, and trying to handle everything alone without any knowledge, we tried to learn everything by ourselves. Man, it was really stresful and hard. But he besides me, we are the best team. Well, I think we were, not anymore..

It all started couple of months later we settled with everything. Got our permanent contracts, bought a very nice house etc.

I think the minor problems became unmanageble for me. Yes our house was perfect in papers but it was not the house that I want. Yes, we are better financially but I literally had zero friends in this country. Yes, our marriage was good, but I have to give up on myself sometimes to not having a big fight with him. I am the type of person who avoids fights, screams and such due to my childhood and teenager traumas. That's why, even though I didn't like this house very much by heart, I said yes to it because my husband wanted. This kind of things always happened even for small things like buying a small plate even.

I think that all these combined with me working in shift schedule (2 days morning, 2 days evening, 2 days night which affected my body & hormone routine badly). All of these seems like big issues that I had to talk with him and solve together with him. All lies in a good communication, wish I knew this by the time then, then I would feel more happier at that time.

Then I had an affair for about a month in december, 2022. I know that it is just for me wanted to feel that fake happiness for a short period of time but what I was actually doing was ruining a good man, perfect relationship and betraying myself.

My BH and I both engineers. He is very smart guy. He found out about the affair by checking my Google Maps timeline on January 2023. I ended it immediately and at first, I told him about the affair but with tons of lies under the name of truth by being afraid of losing him. Such a stupid behavior, now I come to realize. He actually believed in me at first, I had deep regrets in my heart about it. But I couldn't tell the truth. I was too afraid of telling the truth, I didnt't want to lose him.

Everything was going okay-ish. Then on March 2023, he told me that he will contact with AP for the truth. Then I confessed everything without any lies and with all the details I could remember by the time. Now I realize how big mistakes I made during this last 6 months.

Now, after all the truth has been told, I am still trying my hardest to get him back. Both of us go to IC since March 2023. It seems IC is not helping to my BH. They are doing EMDR together, but after every session, he acts super mad and give up from everything. Which is his right, I guess. It was all my fault to act like this stupid over and over again with all those lies and betrayals.

I even cannot forgive myself, how I expect him to forgive me? I betrayed my future self, I betrated this amazing relationship and such a good man.

During these times, I tried to suicide twice because I can't handle to the idea of not being with him anymore. I started to not care about my health, having some skin issues related with stress, lately I fainted due to low blood pressure, always in depression, all those aches and pains.

I don't know how many times he got drunk and told me all those bad words, sometimes with small physical harm, psychological damage all the time, yelling, hitting walls and coffee tables.. (Which always make me remember my childhood trauma - my dad beated me by the time when I was a child)

But all these time, I tried to act calmed, and show my affection and love to him. Prepared water and coffee for him after he throw up, cooked dinner, lunch, prepare breakfast for him. I read lots of books, watch lots of videos about infidelity, self development, understanding the root cause of the problem and such..

Bht now, it seems nothing is helpful. We are still living in our own house, with our little kitten. We sleep in different beds, we still share and talk about our days. But it seems its fading away now. I can't explain how much I hurt this loving man, how much I hurt myself.

Seems like, we are going to sell our house and buy 2 houses for each. We will do the same with our car. He still didn't sign the D papers or even started the D process. All I want for us is reconcilation, but it seems it is not the case anymore.

I am here for telling my story, my grief, my mistakes.

I know that there is still a long life for me out there. But I don't know if it is worth now to living it. I cannot see any good thing coming out of that.

I literally don't know what to do now. Sometimes I feel like I just have to accept everything and leave him because he told me that his biggest trigger is me and he doesn't want to be with me. But sometimes, I think that he says all those words but he doesn't take a step, so maybe I can keep trying and trying...

Both of these feelings, memories, mistakes, regrets, basically everything eats up my mind. I just wish we at least try reconcile. I really respect all those people out there who reconcile succesfully.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 1:25 PM, Wednesday, May 10th]

11 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023