Needing advice from US

Good morning. My husband had a 4 month EA/PA. They told each other they loved each other. Snapped out of it when he was caught and hasn’t looked back. He’s doing everything right. Going out of his way to be transparent and make me feel safe.

He says he never even thinks about her except when I’m flooding and in pain and it makes him think of her out of guilt and shame. He claims he’s disgusted in himself and this is the worst thing he’s ever done and wishes he could take it back. He says he knew he never truly loved her when he said it, even though there were emotions there.

I want to believe she’s not on his mind and he’s not missing her at all. He gives me all of his attention and is over the moon when I’m able to have a better day and not get triggered.

Is it possible for him to not even give her any thought now and not miss her a bit?? Even though this was emotional and they used the L word? I want so badly to believe she’s not on his mind now but can I?..

8 comments posted: Friday, April 7th, 2023

Can I believe this is true?

3 months post DDAY. The EA/PA was 4 months long and didn’t quite make it to intercourse before they were caught. Husband has been fully committed to proving to me that he is sorry and wants our marriage and NOT her since the moment he was caught. I am certain that I know all of the physical details but it’s the emotions that have me questioning everything. They exchanged "I love yous" and were emotionally invested. I do realize it was probably limerence but I am having such a hard time understanding HOW a man can tell a woman he loves her for 4 months and then the very moment he’s caught, not feel a thing towards her. He swears it’s the oddest thing but he doesn’t even think about her. He says he knew he didn’t love her when he said it even though he felt emotions towards her. He says he knew she wasn’t someone that he wanted to be with and when she would ask if he still loved me he swears he told her that yes he did. Help me understand. Is it possible to just completely disregard the person you were so secretly involved with for 4 months? Could that even be true? That he doesn’t have any feelings of want towards her anymore? Does that make sense? It’s so hard to believe. I WANT so badly to believe it’s true and I see no signs of him missing her AT ALL. He’s just so attentive to my needs and answering all my questions and comforting me. He’s adamant he will prove to me that he never stopped loving me and I’m the one he wants to be with. He swears this is the worst mistake of his life and something that has terrified him since he’s scared to lose me. I would love some insight from someone with experience in this.

12 comments posted: Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

My heart.. it just hurts so bad..

Can someone who is further out from Dday than from where I am from (not quite 3 months) offer me some hope? My husband is a very gentle, romantic, sweet man to me. He has always looked me deep into my eyes while holding my face and made me feel like I’m the only girl in the world. He’s always seemed to know just what to say to make me feel so loved.

So now that I know he told her he loved her for the entire 4 month affair, and I have asked him if he looked deep into her eyes and if he held her and he’s admitted to that (I do appreciate that he’s being honest with me), how in Gods name do I move past that? Because I am having a VERY HARD TIME. I
told him that now when he does that to me I can’t believe him and that it’s not special AT ALL because he also did that to her. He swears he didn’t really love her but COME ON.

Someone tell me it gets easier. I feel like I’m in a phony marriage and I feel so unloved. Will we ever get that back? I wasn’t enough then.. how can I be enough now?

9 comments posted: Monday, March 27th, 2023

Anyone in AL and have therapist recommendations?

My husband and I aren’t quite 3 months from Dday and both in telehealth IC but it’s through a pool of free counselors we have through his work. None that specialize in trauma or infidelity. We have a few free visits left but then I’m interested in finding ourselves therapists who specialize in trauma. Of course it would be a huge plus if they take our insurance (cigna) but ultimately we will pay if we must for someone we KNOW is going to help us. Does anyone (BS or WS) have any recommendations on a therapist who has really helped them significantly?

1 comment posted: Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

Madhatter. I’m drowning.

I guess I would just like some realistic expectations. I’m a Madhatter and 2 1/2 months from when I found out my husband was having a 4 month affair. I’m not sure what is normal but I feel like I’m entering a phase of more ANGER. My heart is crushed and I’m still just trying to figure out how this happened when we seemed so good.

Are there any other Madhatters who could give me some advice based on their experiences? Is healing between my husband and I even possible? He wants the marriage and says he will do whatever it takes. But we have both betrayed each other. Is it even worth it? Will we ever be able to not hurt? Right now I just feel worthless and like I’m not enough for him. This hurts so bad and I feel so alone and unsure of what to do.

5 comments posted: Monday, March 20th, 2023

Will I always feel like I don’t have the entire story?

We are 2 1/2 months out from DDAY. It was an affair with a coworker (from a different department/ floor in a huge hospital) that lasted 4 months. They talked on the phone every day, multiple times a day during the work-week. Met in a locked closet in the afternoons to make out and she performed oral on him 3 times. Never made it to intercourse. They never left the hospital grounds together. They told each other they loved each other. 🙄

I’m confident I have the entire story when it comes to the physical affair. It’s the emotional affair I’m unsure about. He is ADAMANT he didn’t really love her and it was just empty words he said. He said there was never talk of long-term being together and he knew she wasnt someone he wanted to be with. Her side of the story and what she’s been telling her husband is that he’s downplaying the emotional part to me BIG TIME. She said he would tell her he thought about them being together in the future often (he denies that), that he told her that while our marriage wasn’t BAD, he felt a connection and passion with her that he doesn’t feel with me (he denies that), and she said that he told her once that he would leave me if she would leave her husband first (he denies that).

My husband said she was obsessed with him more than he was into her and that she wasn’t happy in her marriage and was already looking for reasons to leave her husband. My husband and I have always had a happy marriage and have always got along so well. He claims he never had any intentions of leaving me and that she’s trying to push blame on him when it was really her who was obsessed. He said there WAS an emotional element to the affair and he doesn’t deny that but it was not love and he can clearly see that now.

On DDAY, they were caught by the APs husband at work. My husband came straight home and wasted no time confessing to me all of the physical details and that they had been exchanging "I love yous". She denied the sexual details for a month and then finally told the truth. Now shes saying he is still lying about how emotional it was and that I’m just believing all of his lies. I have seen ABSOLUTELY NO SIGNS of him missing her or being upset over this ending. He has been doing everything right and sitting and talking with me often when I’m having a hard time and need to ask questions or talk it out. He immediately went no contact with her and hasn’t looked back. I have seen him cry over how much he has hurt me. It has wrecked him.

For the record.. my last conversation with her was a few nights ago and then I blocked her and her husband. So we are no contact with them now but I’m still just feeling like I don’t have the entire emotional story. I don’t know what I’m looking for posting this. Obviously I want to believe I have the whole emotional story and that she’s just crazy. But I keep wondering if it was deeper than what he’s portraying. Or is it that I will just always feel like I never got the entire story?

16 comments posted: Monday, March 20th, 2023

Madhatter healing

June 19,2020 I confessed to my husband of an affair I had 10-12 years prior between me and my married boss (it started when I was 19). The weight of guilt was so heavy on me and I felt like I needed to come clean to my husband. We did some programs through affair recovery but my husband didn’t care to do any real therapy. I believe he ultimately stuffed it without truly dealing with it.

January 4, 2023 he was caught sneaking around with a coworker. It was an emotional affair that last 4 months (they told each other they loved each other) and was also physical with making out and oral from her but never made it to sex.

My husband is devastated about what he’s done. He is doing everything necessary to help me. He cut off contact completely when they were caught. Over-the-top transparent, going out of his way to be accountable for every move he makes, found himself a therapist, answering any and all questions I have nomatter how many times I ask the same questions. He is groveling at my feet and cannot believe he fell into this. He says he never truly loved her and was just telling her what she wanted to hear.

My question is.. since this is something we have already gone through a few years ago with the roles reversed and since he is working so hard to show me true remorse, do you think healing could happen? I almost wonder if our situation will help us heal faster since we’ve both been there and can understand where each other are coming from. He has told me that the reason why he did this was because he never healed from what I did and he knows now that he needs to work through that.

My emotions are crazy right now. I will have a few bad days and then a few good days. But him helping me without getting angry or irritated is really helping and making me feel so much better. And I do believe I understand the reason why he did this and I know what needs to be fixed.

Any experience with this? I need hope.

11 comments posted: Saturday, March 11th, 2023