Not a physical affair.

On March 3rd I discovered that my husband of 37+ years was conducting an online relationship with a gay guy in South America. We live in a totally different continent, and were on vacation in the Caribbean at the time. I noticed messages on his phone from an unknown name that were distinctly more than just friendly. I challenged him and he came straight out and told me about the OG (is that the right terminology?) and also claimed to be bisexual. He said it had been going on for "about a year", that they had met through an online porn site, and there had never been physical contact. He seemed to think that made everything OK At that point I made him delete the messages and block the phone number. He did that willingly.

Next day I made him give me the password to his ipad and phone and while he was out of the room - I checked his ipad messages. I took pictures of some of them as they were in Spanish and I needed the leisure to do translation. I told him I had done that. The few messages I saw and translated were both very loving and explicitly sexual.

I'll gloss over the next few days because I am sure you can imagine the feelings of shock, betrayal, pain etc. We flew home on Saturday and HE arranged for us to see a couples therapist on the Monday afternoon. I don't want to give him too much credit but he did appear remorseful, very distressed and ready to get help.

I checked his iPad again on Monday morning when he left for work. This time I checked his FB messenger app. This little exercise put paid to the notion that the affair had only been going on for a year - in fact it was more like 3 years and there had been another guy before this present OG. The discovery of this further lie threw me into a physical state of panic, and I thought I was having a heart attack. He came home, confessed in writing -lol - with names and dates and what site they had met on.

We have seen the therapist once together, and I saw her again by myself later in the week. WS will start individual counselling for his addiction to porn/sex, his online sex activity and his actual sexuality. He needs more help than me, and I need someone to talk to because I don't want to tell anyone about this (for various valid reasons) He is VERY remorseful and I believe that it is true remorse. I want to save my marriage because it has been a very happy one, and I feel our love is genuine. We have adult kids and they love us both. I don't want to cause shock and distress to them, and I intend to keep on living the life I am entitled to. I have not forgiven him, and at this point I do not trust him, but I am prepared to work with him to get us back on track. I own my contribution to the situation, but will not allow him EVER to blame me for his actions.

Anyway I just wanted to not be a creepy lurker lol, while i read the stories here.

5 comments posted: Sunday, March 12th, 2023