I destroyed my family

This is my first post, and I am happy I found this forum. I hope I can gain insight from people who have been further down the road than I am. D-Date: August 15, 2022. Affair was with two separate women over a 3 year span. Mostly EA, some PA, but never intercourse (not that it makes it any better).

Story is this. I knew my girlfriend (GF) since 2005. We started our relationship in 2010. It took me a while to be able to get her to notice me as more than a friend or co-worker, but eventually it happened. Immediately after we got together, I went out with another woman and ended up kissing her while GF was out of town. A few years later, I was out of town in a training, and took a girl up to my room. We kissed. I told her I wasn't going to have sex with her, and she left. I neglected to tell my GF when I purchased perfume for a boss for Christmas as I purchased presents for all my subordinates. I knew she didn't like her and didn't want her to get upset. It meant nothing to me, but she tells me I was having an EA. I lied, and that is bad enough. I asked to go to CC at least twice during this early time, but I do not think she believed in therapy back then.

Fast forward to 2019. I was emotionally neglected as a child and never learned how to communicate with people through emotions. Very real and very scary thing. It caused me to feel like I wasn't getting enough attention and sex from my GF, but I didn't have the training to know to say something about my needs. She was busy with life objectives, and I should have remained confident that she would not be busy forever. In April, I meet a girl at work. I tell my GF about this girl and ask if she knows the family name since they grew up very close together. I continue conversations with this girl at work, we agree to meet for running, and I do not tell my GF about this either. This is where the EA officially began. We meet a few times, run and talk about almost everything. AP was married, and I was in a dedicated relationship. We both have kids. So we were aware of our personal lives. A few months down the road, we are at a park. I am mid-sentence, and AP leans over and kisses me. This is where the PA begins. I react selfishly, and rather than thinking about my family at home, I think about the attention I am getting. About how the kiss felt good. We were texting all day for so many days. Before, during, and after the PA. We meet at work and make out. We meet outside of work and do the same. One night, after drinking at a friend's house, I meet her at her house when her H is out of town, and I give her oral sex. It never goes beyond that, however. That year, my GF, our kids, and I go out of town for Christmas. We had such a great vacation. I felt going into it that we wouldn't come back together because I felt so distant from my GF. But the vacation gave me a wake-up call, and I come back and let the AP know that I had a great time and would like to work on things with my GF. This is where the PA ends. However, the EA continues. In February 2020, I start talking to another girl from my past who gave me a compliment on FB regarding how I look. I make the stupid mistake of connecting back, and there begins my second EA. That same month, I meet with her (she lives a few hours away near where I grew up). We kiss and touch each other in a bar parking lot. I go there the next day and spend time with her at her work. Then I go home. I message her with the same amount of frequency as the other AP, sometimes both of them at the same time. I end up meeting with her two more times within a year, one resulting in a PA with oral sex for both of us, and one we just talked because she was upset at me. I had started drinking pretty heavily with my work becoming telework and my drinking is causing me to treat my GF like shit. I was so into this whole attention-grabbing that I started flirting with others at work, and even trying to kiss my GF's best friend twice.

Come August 2022, I have too much to drink, I leave my phone out, and GF sees a message from AF2. She is instantly destroyed. I can't even fathom her pain right then and there. She never thought I would do something like this, and quite frankly, neither did I.

That night, she woke me up and confronted me. Apparently, I tell her our relationship is over. I do not remember that night very well. I got my phone back, alerted the AP, and deleted all messages. The next morning, I tell the other AP off a different phone. GF confronts me, and I do not tell her about the other AP. However, a week later, GF somehow sees a message from her about her wanting to kiss me again, and I ask why didn't she.

And what a mess this all started. After she finds out that, I write down all interactions I had with women since the beginning. GF doesn't know what to do. She has been through so many different phases of grief. She wants details. All the details. But I have an extremely hard time unlocking my memory of all the details. I tell her about the encounters, when and where, how they started, etc, but she wants to know what I was talking to them about. I give her a few of the topics I remember, but she still wants more details. Things I never really cared to remember. I tried recovering phone messages per her request, but there were none left after I deleted them and FB won't give them out unless you are in law enforcement.

We have had many conversations since regarding cheating. I have tried to be as transparent as possible, but find it difficult when she begins yelling, not allowing me to speak, and becoming physical. I deserve it all and expect no less. I am grateful that she found out because I hated having to lie to her. I am so hateful for the way I made her and the kids feel. It kills me. I began IC once per week almost immediately. We attempt CC, but it doesn't take us anywhere. She eventually decides that she does not want to be partners, just roommates, maybe with benefits, and co-parent together.

She has diagnosed me with like 5 different things. It is hard to hear, but I consider it every time. She truly believes I have narcissism, but I feel like I have tendencies, not full-blown. As you can imagine, trust is gone, and she does not have feelings for me. She is a mental wreck, and so am I.

I struggle with formulating a true reason why I would allow myself to do such a thing to her. After reading many self-help books, I have come to the conclusion that it is because of my emotional neglect and failure to raise me properly that failed to teach me how to have a healthy relationship. My family history is for another time.

I love this woman. I loved her all along. I was unjustly upset at her because I felt like she wasn't giving me the attention I desired. But I know now that it is a two-way street and she cannot possibly know what I am feeling unless I voice it. I want a life with this woman, but I know I can't control her feelings directly. She doesn't want me to apologize. She doesn't want me to compliment her, she doesn't want me to tell her I love her. She feels it isn't genuine since I acted like that towards others. She feels like I hated her. But I never did. I couldn't explain why I was able to feel for her and cheat, but I know I still had feelings for her. She was my #1. I told the AP's that I was not willing to leave GF for them. Compartmentalizing really made sense in my case. I kept everything separate. I didn't think about the kids and her when I was with AP.

Why I am here. To get my story out. I feel like shit. I have done so much self-discovery and that's how she and I found out about emotional neglect. I did so much damage to everyone that I will never forget this and would not allow myself to fall for anything ever again. I am doing everything I can for GF now. I want us to have a life together. I want to make her feel safe. And that is what I will do. I have disowned my mother because she refuses to look inward. Is it a hopeless dream that I want her to trust and be my only again? I have vowed to not leave her side. That I will be here for her. I just don't think she believes it or wants to hear it. Am I genuinely going crazy??

4 comments posted: Wednesday, March 15th, 2023