Just found out
My wife and I have been planning our retirement together from my career of 40 years since May 2022, and finally settled on a 7/1/23 retirement date. Can you imagine how happy we are! We can travel whenever and wherever we want, visit our grown children and the grandchildren, keep and watch the grandchildren at our home, and, who knows what else. I have began taking more time off from work because I have vacation time to use, and, just to be with her at her appointments and other things.That was, until 1/18/23! My wife, totally out of the blue, says, "She’s had an affair", with a coworker, 20 years ago!! Why did she admit to the affair now?Because, she says, "She has been tormenting herself about the secret for all those years". She couldn’t keep it secret anymore. Why didn’t she admit the affair then?Because, she says, "She didn’t want me to divorce her".Why did you even have the affair? Because, she says "She couldn’t get sex from me". I’m not going to write about my intense and extreme emotions. You can just imagine what I’m going through!!!! And, I’m going to try to write just the pertinent information about the admitted affair, and, btw, there’s been an admission of a 2nd affair, which she did not disclose at the same time as the 1st affair. Who knows what she’ll admit to next! She, just like every cheater, lies, lies and then lies more, changes her story all the time, always putting blame elsewhere, mostly me and so on, even 20 years later. Bizarre.Honestly, there’s a whole lot of stuff that I still don’t believe. And more information that will probably never be disclosed, because, since "She didn’t think that I would become so angry about her affairs", mainly because "they were so long ago", which , btw, she totally miscalculated how I would feel. She now wishes she would have taken all this stuff to her grave!!She has been very honest, answering nearly all the questions I’m asking, but is it good to continue asking about her affairs? Should I continue to drill down to the deepest truths, even though its been 20 years ago. Some of her answers are like another stab in my heart, reopening a previous stab wound. I’m trying to be as accurate as I can, but, the way my mind races and thinks negatively about her everyday now, there is no telling what I might write . Here goes;
She got a job as a housekeeper, at a retirement facility, where the tenants are self sufficient. Her coworker AP was the maintenance guy for the building. Right out of the gate, he let it be known that he was very attracted to her. She even admitted to me that she too was attracted to him. Everywhere she went, there he was. That’s how it got started. Long story short, any vacant room within the building was game for performing sex, during working hours!!! How long did the 1st affair last?The best estimate, that we both could come to agree on was at least a year! That a lot of sex they had together. She said the affair ended when he quit his job. She said it took her two months to get over him. She missed him, she was sad he quit.
She quit that job , and about 6 months later, got a job as a housekeeper, at a hotel. You guessed it, another affair, the same exact thing happened. Her new AP was the maintenance guy for the hotel. No way!!! I asked her how such a coincidence could happen like this, she said "It wasn’t a coincidence"!! He was attracted to her the same way, right out of the gate , just like the 1st AP was. Need a vacant room to have sex in. No problem, there are many vacant rooms at a hotel. You gotta to have a plan first though, depending on what floor the room is on , because of the cameras, and, not to mention the employees that have already gotten caught, and fired because of the cameras. That’s not a problem either when you got a maintenance guy that makes all the plans. He knows exactly where to go. "For the room I chose for us today ", he would explain, and , not get caught, is "you gotta use this elevator first. Go to the 4th floor, walk past the camera, make sure you’re seen on that camera, use another set of elevators to go back to the 2nd floor and there you go. "I’ll go first. Give me 15 minutes then you go. I’ll get things ready, we’ll have sex , and then we’ll get back to work! The best estimate, that we both could come to agree on for this affair was 2 years, 3 months!! That’s a lot of sex they had together. She said the affair ended when she quit her job. She has not said how long it took her to get over the 2nd AP. Honestly, I find it hard to believe that the affairs ended so abruptly, but, according to her, she or the AP’s didn’t know where each other lived, they did not exchange phone numbers, no dining out , nothing. She only knew that they did not like having sex with their girlfriends and they knew she was married. She admitted that it was very easy to have the affairs at her jobs, everything you need is there. Pretty much like, well, being at home!! I got some more disturbing information from her this last weekend. She reminded me that our son began working at the hotel kitchen the same time she started the her job. One day, according to her, while she was in the laundry room putting her belongings into her locker, the pre AP spanked her butt, in front of my son. My son noticed that, and told her to watch out because he is flirting with her. She says to him, "No he’s not", and , another day when she was at our home with a friend of hers, she apparently was telling her friend about her affair, and my son accidentally overheard the conversation. Immediately, she asked him not to tell me about the affair, and, he never did. Now I have a collusion admission on my hands. I will never discuss this with him ever. She put him into a bad spot that day when he was only 18. So, for 3 years & 3 months, 1185 days total, beginning February 2004 & ending October 2009, she would go to work, have unprotected sex, and, have the nerve to come home and completely act as if everything is normal. Can you imagine that, anytime her and I had sex during the affairs, that her & the AP could have had sex that same day as well. Think about that for awhile.
FTLOG, she could have gotten pregnant, or given me an STD.
This is such a bizarre situation for me. My therapist talks about it as if she was "In a fantasy world". No way, right?On one hand , I’m like, there is no way I can accept this! I don’t care how long ago it was. This situation is only 2 months old for me. She’s had 20 years to think about the years & months that she was having her affairs, and, she is asking, begging me to forgive her for what she has done, and on and on so that we can just move on and enjoy the rest of our lives together, in retirement.Just for the record, this whole thing is beating her down too, I can see it in her eyes and face. On the other hand, I’m like, we’ve been married for 40 years. How can you literally throw away 40 years of your life with a person. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out who she is now, again. How could she have done this to me, and act as if she made a mistake and she regrets it. This is day 68 of the admissions, and this is all I think about everyday, everywhere. All day at work , I have to put on a happy retirement face, not to mention that I’m having to do this all on my own, nobody to talk to, except the therapist, but for only 3 more sessions , no friends, and, do not even want my kids to be involved. This is very hard for me to write, trying not to call her names, not being very nasty, all the thoughts of what else she has could’ve done, and , at the same time, reminding myself that she is innocent until proven guilty, or, if, when she admits to more affairs. Anyway, I realize that this will now haunt me for the rest of my life. I have many decisions to consider and decide upon, and, I will, I have no choice, and, I will not set a time limit for making my final decisions.I have been dealt a very bad hand. Should I fold or reach for another card?Has anyone ever experienced a similar situation as bazar as this? What were your final decisions?What were your final outcomes?Obviously, there is much more information that needs to be disclosed to help understand these infidelities. If anyone has a question, or, any successfully proven advice that may help me find the remaining pieces of this puzzle, please ask. For the record, I feel very strongly that leaving her now would damage way too many people in our lives. And we don’t have much more time on this earth, therefore I must get over this quickly so that we can enjoy the rest of our lives, just like we’ve been planning, however, it’s going to be very difficult for me in the short term.
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38 comments posted: Tuesday, April 11th, 2023
