Elderly parents - long
I'm sure others have experienced this? Maybe there is some advice out there for me ...
My mom is 83. Although she never got Covid, keeping her safe at home did her no favours in many ways. Her mobility suffered a lot, her memory is really going. These things could have happened anyway, but before Covid, she used to attend a walking club, she could go to Costco, etc. Now it's all she can do to get out of her door and into a car. She gave up her driver's license.
Some facts about my mom ... she is a lazy, lazy woman. She is unconcerned with cleanliness, and is a hoarder. This is not new. I started cleaning the house when I was fairly young because it disgusted me, and I was just a kid. My mom would do anything for anybody. She is very kind, but she never takes care of herself or her own home. She is so kind that she thanks telephone scammers for calling. She is an only child. Along the way, she integrated 2 other homes into her home first when my grandmother downsized and moved into an apartment, and second when my grandmother's sister went into assisted living. I know she has boxes of their stuff in her basement. I wouldn't be surprised if their dressers still have their clothes in them.
I have one sibling, and to make matters worse, he is also a hoarder. He lived at home with mom until he was in his 40's. All he owns is "toys". Motorcycles, "projects", a vast t-shirt collection and literally, toys. When he moved in with his girlfriend a number of years ago, he left most of his stuff at mom's. And he uses her backyard for storage, too. He has a shed there, and at least 2 utility trailers containing tools, bikes, motorcycles, etc. She literally has one of his old motorcycles in her front hall blocking access to her front door, and it makes me furious. He moved it a few years ago when I raised a stink, but I noticed recently it's there again. My brother can be volatile, and it's hard to know that pushing him to do the right thing could literally cut off our relationship. He also has several motorcycles and tool boxes in our shop. Not complaining as we have a lot of room, but my way of thinking is why have a whole bunch of stuff that you literally have no room for? That you haven't touched in years? If I could move that bike in my mom's house, I'd take it to his girlfriend's house or their trailer and park it in front of their access point and say "how do you like it now?" The bottom line for me is that he doesn't live at my mom's anymore, he has no right to leave so much crap there. That said, he did pay mom's property taxes and whatnot, which kind of muddies the situation, like he kind of pays rent for storage in that way? My H feels that my mom lets him keep all of his crap there because it keeps him coming back. Keeps them tied together in a sick kind of way.
My mom can't take care of the house any more, physically. It's not a good or healthy place for her to be. There is only one bathroom, and it's upstairs. Stairs are very difficult for her now. Laundry is in the basement, and those stairs are treacherous! Living there has got to be very difficult, but she won't give it up willingly. I've spoken with her in the past in a general way about why old people are so stubborn about giving up their homes that no longer work for them, saying that I'd personally be glad to downsize to make my life easier in the future. She must have seen how easy it made my grandmother's life to move into an apartment all on one level, that could be cleaned easily, with an elevator to laundry, etc. Easy for my grandmother, and easier for my mom. I don't know why she can't or won't make her life easier. She literally goes upstairs to her bedroom right after eating dinner, and stays there for 12-14 hours doing nothing but watching TV, and word searches which she thinks keeps her mind sharp. Sigh, I've told her that it's really not making her mind work to just look for something, she needs to be actually figuring something out like sudokus.
With the hoarding, I can't just let any service into her home that might possibly help her. They'd get a look at how she's living and they'd take her out of there. Part of me just wants that to happen. Apparently, my mom's doctor just ran some memory tests on my mom, and she fell below the normal range, and the doctor wanted to arrange a home visit with some kind of elder professional. Not sure how she's dodged it so far. I think that any professional would force her into assisted care, but at the same time, wait times are long. My MIL was forced into assisted living but she had to spend a while in a regular hospital just waiting for an assisted care spot to open.
For the past few years, I've kind of removed myself from the situation. I had hoped it might force her to realize her limitations. It hasn't. I remove myself from it also just because honestly, it's overwhelming and it's gross, I hate to see it, and I hate to be there. It's hard to visit someone when there is literally no where for me to sit. Her kitchen table is piled high with everything she uses daily - she never puts anything away. There is usually a corner of the table, maybe a foot square (sometimes less), available for her to make a sandwich or something. Also, I've had both of my own knees replaced in the last 20ish months, the latest just 6 months ago, so I really haven't been up to battling her situation myself. I know that my brother goes over daily just to check on her, and even he gets so frustrated with her that sometimes he cleans out her fridge or does her dishes. I'm thankful for that. I live 45 minutes away and I do work four half-days a week.
Additionally, I said some things to my mom a few years ago that I think have really damaged our relationship not that we were extremely close in the first place. My brother has clearly always been her favourite. Mom used to stay at my place quite a bit back when I was working full-time, and she helped me a lot with just being here for my dogs. I used to hope that she'd see that living in an organized home is nice, that maybe she'd take some of my habits home with her. She had a couple of episodes here where she pooped her pants. And it seemed like she went into a bit of a dis-associative state. The first time, she pooped in my upstairs hallway, I woke up, smelled poop, saw it when walking to the bathroom, and had to clean it up. She just left it there, later said she was going to clean it up "the next day". Well, we don't live that way here! Seriously, we're not going to walk around diarrhea for a day, my dogs could run through it, etc. Ugh. The next time was really bad. I didn't feel well myself, and excused myself to go to bed early. I heard her a while later in her room, and a bit later could smell poop again. I got up, and found poop all down my stairs, and she was literally sitting in poopy clothes in my family room, wrapped in a towel. She had stepped in her poop and tracked it all over my carpet, her shoes were covered in poop. I told her to go get in the bathtub, and I cleaned up the messes, washed her clothes and shoes. She hadn't been in a bathtub for years, and she couldn't get out (she's had both knees and hips replaced). I ended up having to call 911 for assistance. The next day, I wanted to talk about the situation, and she responded "can't we talk about this some other time?" Because that is essentially how she lives her life. Deal with stuff "some other time". Just put it off until it goes away. Hope it's all just better without actually doing anything. And that's essentially what I said to her that day, that she can not live her life pretending that everything is ok. Unfortunately, I said some other regrettable stuff about how dirty she is, how she's always been that way, how can you live the way you do? The kind of stuff I haven't said since I was a teenager living in that house. Fortunately for me, my hours at work changed right around the same time and I went to half days, which I love. And she stopped staying over.
I'm not mad that she pooped all over my house (there was a 3rd time). I'm mad that she then pretended it was nothing? I can understand the embarrassment but then again, I'm not sure she actually is embarrassed. It's just something that happens that she pretends didn't, like always. I was surprised that she didn't at least offer to pay to have my carpets cleaned. She also cracked the window in her bedroom at my place, didn't say a word. She got a small inheritance from her aunt several years ago, and since then she treats everyone to lunch - me, my brother, her gal pals, etc. She treated me to lunch when I took her out for Mother's Day last month, wouldn't let me pay, but pay for damage she actually did? Nope. These are just the sorts of things I don't understand about her, where we differ.
She makes really stupid decisions. Her teeth started flaking, breaking, falling out. Turned out that she was drinking Realemon concentrate. Straight. She "likes the tang." OMG, it cost her half of her teeth not to mention a small fortune in dental care and a bridge. Recently, I noticed 3 large bottles of Realemon at her house again. When I asked about them, she said my brother had just reminded her how they damaged her teeth. She apparently forgot that was the cause. We've had one situation with an elder scam where a contractor talked her into a very expensive tank-less water heater that cost 5 times what I just paid to replace mine. We also had a situation recently where she went missing one morning. My brother didn't know where she was. Apparently her doctor had arranged some physio for her, she told no one, took a cab there. It's very uncharacteristic for her - my brother or her gal pal drive her to appointments.
I know that's a lot of rambling. The basic issue is her house, and her being physically unable to keep it up and to take care of herself. What am I going to do? Should I do anything? Do I continue to sit back and just wait for something to happen that forces her hand? I do have Power Of Attorney, but geez, no one wants to force their parent to do something that they don't want to do, which will just damage our relationship further. How do people deal with their parents at this point in their lives? I feel that people like her would rather fall down their stairs and die at home than move and make their lives easier.
63 comments posted: Wednesday, June 12th, 2024
