BH, M 21 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, D Final Sept 2024.
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

Recently found out my wife is having a EA, possibly a PA. Male in question is a long term friend, she knew him before me and has always been in the background.

Married 20 years, no children, she has grown up children from a former marriage. We stopped having sex about 5 years ago as she was never in the mood, and when we did she made it clear it was a chore and she was only doing it for me, I would get comments like "come on then, let's get this over with", needless to say I stopped initiating.

We had grown further apart and a couple of months ago I realised that I did not want to live like that any more and that I wanted a closer relationship, so I changed my behaviour and made time to be with her and our friendship has improved dramatically.

However she then said that she is no longer in love with me romantically and sexually, and she does not know if she would again. At the same time I found out she was messaging and speaking to this friend, yes I checked her phone and reading the messages from him felt like a kick in the stomach. I asked her and she admitted that she had also been out for drinks with him, it almost seemed as if in her mind she was not doing anything wrong.

She told me that he had been kicked out by his wife and moved into a new place and that he has asked her to move in with him. She says that she does not know what to do and needs time to think about it.

I gave myself some time to process that and we have talked several times to get everything out in the open. I still love my wife and have made it very clear that I believe we can move past this and have a happy future together, but I also said I will not continue to live this double life and she needs to make a decision so I know where I stand.

Seems like she does not know whether to follow her head or her heart. She knows in her head that I am a loving husband and she has a good life with me, house, garden, cats etc, but she is getting fun and excitement from the affair.

She is still talking about long term plans such as planting part of the garden (her passion) and all I can think is, will you still be here to see them grow.

She understands that this uncertainty is causing me a lot of stress and that she needs to make a decision soon but is clearly reluctant to do so. I get that because at the moment she has the best of both worlds and I have said that to her and that I will not continue to accept that, and that if she cannot make the decision I will do so for her because to me if she cannot decide, then our life together does not mean enough to her.

So I am living a strange half life where my wife kisses me goodnight but disappears during the day when I am working presumably to spend time with him.

Apologies for the long post but thanks for reading, and it did feel good just to type my thoughts out.

298 comments posted: Monday, May 22nd, 2023