I feel like I've been played a fool

Can't get over it

My wife and I have been married for 32 wonderful years. We have 3 wonderful grown children. We began seeing each other as FWB 38 years ago when I was married and she was single. Our relationship eventually became romantic and we planned to marry when I left my wife. After about a year and a half of me failing to leave my wife and kids, she informed me she was going to start seeing another guy. I eventually did leave my wife and we eventually married. I was so elated and love blind that I never gave my current wife's fling with this other guy a second thought. I believed her narrative that she never had any feelings for him and never had sex with him.

About a year ago, that period in our lives came up and I innocently asked my wife, what kept this guy (who was a known playboy member at the country club she worked at) "sniffing around" for several months if she wasn't giving him sex. Her answer was "I don't know". As I asked more questions, the answers continued to be "I don't know" or "I don't remember". As more information came out, my innocent curiosity became suspicious inquiry that then evolved into resentment and finally anger. It became quite evident that her fling was quite a bit more than just a ploy to get me to move out and we didn't end up back together because she picked me over him...he stopped seeing her.

My suspicions and anger were worsened by her getting very angry anytime I tried to talk about it. I started thinking about having an affair of my own so she could understand how it felt. I sought professional help (counseling) when I realized this was breaking up our marriage. After about a month of counseling, the therapist got me to put myself in my wife's shoes. I had never thought about what she went through being the "other woman" for so long and having me go home to my ex-wife's bed every night. It was almost like an epiphany. I now understood why she did what she did and why she lied about the whole thing and continues to lie.

I have told my wife that I now understand why she did what she did and that it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that she still sticks with her 35 year old narrative that she never had sex with him and only saw him to make me jealous. Without going into details, this narrative is complete hogwash concocted by a young 23 year old's illogical mind to keep me on the hook or at best, let me down easy.

I find myself spending sleepless nights and consumed days, mauling over every fact, every encounter, things said and things unsaid trying to come to some conclusion about this. None of it makes sense or adds up and it's driving me crazy and effecting our relationship. How do I get over this?

54 comments posted: Saturday, April 29th, 2023

I can’t seem to get over it

My current wife and I have been married for 32 wonderful years. We have 3 wonderful grown children. We began seeing each other as FWB 38 years ago when I was married and she was single. Our relationship eventually became romantic and we planned to marry when I left my ex-wife. After about a year and a half of me failing to leave my wife and kids, my current wife informed me she was going to start seeing another guy. I eventually did leave my ex-wife and we eventually married. I was so elated and love blind that I never gave my current wife's fling with this other guy a second thought. I believed her narrative that she never had any feelings for him and never had sex with him.

About a year ago, that period in our lives came up and I innocently asked my wife, what kept this guy (who was a known playboy member at the country club she worked at) "sniffing around" for several months if she wasn't giving him sex. Her answer was "I don't know". As I asked more questions, the answers continued to be "I don't know" or "I don't remember". As more information came out, my innocent curiosity became suspicious inquiry that then evolved into resentment and finally anger. It became quite evident that her fling was quite a bit more than just a ploy to get me to move out and we didn't end up back together because she picked me over him...he stopped seeing her.

My suspicions and anger were worsened by her getting very angry anytime I tried to talk about it. I started thinking about having an affair of my own so she could understand how it felt. I sought professional help (counseling) when I realized this was breaking up our marriage. After about a month of counseling, the therapist got me to put myself in my current wife's shoes. I had never thought about what she went through being the "other woman" for so long and having me go home to my ex-wife's bed every night. It was almost like an epiphany. I now understood why she did what she did and why she lied about the whole thing and continues to lie.

I have told my wife that I now understand why she did what she did and that it doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that she still sticks with her 35 year old narrative that she never had sex with him and only saw him to make me jealous. Without going into details, this narrative is complete hogwash concocted by a young 23 year old's illogical mind to keep me on the hook or at best, let me down easy.

I find myself spending sleepless nights and consumed days, mauling over every fact, every encounter, things said and things unsaid trying to come to some conclusion about this. None of it makes sense or adds up and it's driving me crazy and effecting our relationship. How do I get over this?

0 comment posted: Thursday, April 27th, 2023