Perspective Needed :(

I’m not sure if this belongs here or in Separation/Divorce but here we go… Perspective would be so appreciated.

The not so short background: My husband, together 15 years, spent the last three in the throes of addiction, recovery, repeat. During a longish period of sobriety we got pregnant with our first child- he relapsed two months into it and went to treatment for a month.

When he got out is where the real trouble began. It seemed that despite the 12 step programs, meetings almost daily, therapy with an addiction specialist, working the steps etc, his addiction didn’t leave but shifted to sex addiction. When I was 8 months pregnant I was informed by someone he matched with on a dating site. When I was a few weeks post partum I discovered texts soliciting and visiting prostitutes a week before I delivered and right after I delivered. The next month more online dating, and finally in May he brought someone to my home while I was out and slept with her.

It was at that point we separated completely. He was diagnosed bipolar and put on medication. Says all the right things, "wants his family back" etc. but as recently as July 3rd found him on a dating site again. Over and over it feels like, and I know while deep inside he is sick he is not a monster and perhaps there is some hope if he works a strong and honest program when he is ready to do so.

So here is my challenge. I have a postnup almost done for my and my daughters protection. I am willing to wait on filing and see where he is at in a few months- he will either straighten up or spiral and I’m willing to keep an open mind if my gut says to try to reconcile- if that happens we would begin couples counseling and see if there is something there to salvage when he is in a place where he can even start working on something outside of himself.

Something, maybe it’s ridiculous, but it weighs on me so strongly is that we were high school sweethearts. We had only ever been with each other and it was just the ultimate betrayal to have him break that sacred and special bond with other women. Images of what he’s done and how and with who are borderline obsessively running through my brain nonstop.

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out? I feel like I will always be angry about it if I don’t and we get back together.

10 comments posted: Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Desperate for Advice during Separation

I’m not sure if this belongs here or in Reconciliation but here we go… Perspective would be so appreciated.

The not so short background: My husband, together 15 years, spent the last three in the throes of addiction, recovery, repeat. During a longish period of sobriety we got pregnant with our first child- he relapsed two months into it and went to treatment for a month.

When he got out is where the real trouble began. It seemed that despite the 12 step programs, meetings almost daily, therapy with an addiction specialist, working the steps etc, his addiction didn’t leave but shifted to sex addiction. When I was 8 months pregnant I was informed by someone he matched with on a dating site. When I was a few weeks post partum I discovered texts soliciting and visiting prostitutes a week before I delivered and right after I delivered. The next month more online dating, and finally in May he brought someone to my home while I was out and slept with her.

It was at that point we separated completely. He was diagnosed bipolar and put on medication. Says all the right things, "wants his family back" etc. but as recently as July 3rd found him on a dating site again. Over and over it feels like, and I know while deep inside he is sick he is not a monster and perhaps there is some hope if he works a strong and honest program when he is ready to do so.

So here is my challenge. I have a postnup almost done for my and my daughters protection. I am willing to wait on filing and see where he is at in a few months- he will either straighten up or spiral and I’m willing to keep an open mind if my gut says to try to reconcile- if that happens we would begin couples counseling and see if there is something there to salvage when he is in a place where he can even start working on something outside of himself.

something, maybe it’s ridiculous, but it weighs on me so strongly is that we were high school sweethearts. We had only ever been with each other and it was just the ultimate betrayal to have him break that sacred and special bond with other women. Images of what he’s done and how and with who are borderline obsessively running through my brain nonstop.

Whether we reconcile or not, the thought of him as my one and only bothers me when I am not his. Maybe immaturity on my part? I’m not sure but it won’t leave me.

My question is- would it be wrong to experience casually seeing other people while he figures his stuff out?

9 comments posted: Sunday, July 16th, 2023

Still reeling

Have been living in a cascade of discoveries since February. I had no idea how naive I was.

My husband and I have been together our entire adult lives, since high school. I always pinched myself at how lucky I was to have such a sweet, gentle and loving partner. He has some childhood trauma and a chaotic family with a lot of unhealthy behaviors- I chalked up his beyond his years maturity to having to grow up fast.

Fast forward about 15 years, 10 married, and here we are. He spent the last three years struggling with addiction to prescription drugs and alcohol with stints of sobriety in between three relapses followed by treatment. I got pregnant last year with our first child, and he relapsed two months later. Spend a month in rehab, several more in treatment while working and is now drug tested weekly.

Because he could no longer use, he believes his drug seeking behavior turned to attention/sex seeking behavior.

I got my first message in February, when I was nearly due to deliver our first child. A woman reached out that they had matched on a dating site, and she researched a little and found me. I thought it was a joke or an imposter. I even showed him in disbelief. He confessed a few hours later. He was caught so soon he only started talking to women. I have never been so devastated in my life. Well…. Up until that point.

We did some marriage counseling and I put it on a shelf. I was scared if I felt it I would hurt my pregnancy. But the gnawing feeling didn’t go away. About a month after I had my daughter, I finally acted on my impulse to look through his phone. I found a message soliciting an escort for the next day. I went back farther and found another two weeks earlier that had already happened. He confessed that he had seen her twice, once right before I gave birth and once two weeks after. They didn’t have sex but it was a massage and a "happy ending".

I spent the last two months obsessing over every detail. Every touch. Every moment. I have interrogated him again and again, any new information filling in more of the picture and playing over and over and rereading the messages. I was pretty sure we were done.

He has always known what to say to give me hope.

Early this month I had friends visiting and then family back to back. I had told them what happened and asked him to stay somewhere else for those weeks to give me some space. And I could see him spiral into a dark place.

He moved back home after and the gnawing feeling came back. I asked him, begged him, and he told me there was nothing. The next day I got my second message.

He had been back on various dating sites and was talking with several women. One contacted me anonymously to let me know. I grabbed his phone and found the messages. Intimate and very hard to read. Back and forth coordinating meet ups but never actually meeting. I read them all.

I contacted three of the women he was texting to let them know what was happening. They all thought we were separated, which we kind of were but we didn’t agree to see other people. Anyways there is a lot more detail in there but I’m not sure it matters. He said he was spiraling in his sex addiction and was acting from impulse to impulse without much thought or plan. Just to get that next ego boost.

He’s started going to meetings, got a sponsor for sex addition (has been active in NA for a long time), and has answered every question I have about the details without defensiveness. He set up a blocker on his phone for all adult sites and let me add whatever I wanted and set the password. He’s working on it. He seems broken and hollow and devastated he did this to me and his child. I never realized the inferiority complex that was always within him until now. Though I should be furious I am so sad to see this man I shared my entire adult life with wracked with this perception of himself. I feel crazy.

I feel logically leaving is the answer but my heart wants to stay. It’s very confusing to me. I have a post nup in the works so me and my daughter are provided for however this shakes out. He said he’d sign whatever I wanted. Every day I feel a different emotion, and path forward. My family and friends will never see him the same way. I feel like the worlds biggest idiot for not kicking him out immediately and can’t help but wonder if I’m showing him I accept this behavior, and if it will spiral again.

21 comments posted: Thursday, April 27th, 2023