Is it worth it?

I’ve been lurking on this site since my D-day in January. Never having the courage to post but I have finally found the strength to do so.

Background information prior to the affair. Me and my partner both from different backgrounds he is from a very religious strict upbringing we met at University was on the same course, quickly got together and I fell madly over heel’s despite the giant red flags I obviously ignored. Such as numerous female ‘Family friends’ and massive insecurity in his part for constantly needing confirmation how wonderful he was. We had a period in the middle where I was contacted by another girl telling me he had been speaking to her for a while telling her he was going to marry her etc.. they never did meet but the intention was 100% there. We fell out but quickly got back together as I believed all his wonderful excuses about how much he loved me. I ignored this like the idiot I was and ended up becoming pregnant in my final year of my degree. Him and his family were obviously not happy as it would bring shame and embarrassment from their community. Partner and his family told me to have an abortion as it would be my fault for ruining their lives and cause them huge distress.

I decided to keep the baby as I had a wonderful supporting family and just decided I would be okay on my own as life goes on and I knew I would regret it if I didn’t keep my son. I left my partner and his family completely alone didn’t tell anyone from his friendship or family group about it just left him to carry on with life in which he just spent it drinking partying and basically living an easy lifestyle, whilst I struggled to finish my degree find a job and scrap money together with my parents to pay for everything. I regret none of this as my 5 year old is wonderful little boy and was worth every bit of stress and tears.

Fast forward the birth, my parents informed his family our son was born and they was welcome to come and meet him if they wanted to. They did end up coming up when he was few weeks old and obviously they were all very upset and I believe quite remorseful. Eventually my partner came up on his own a few times over the course of a year to see him and we quickly started spending time together and ended up getting back together. Which I now completely regret as it was clear he never really put any effort into being a partner or parent as he would come and go when he pleased (he lived in a completely different area 3+ hours away). Yet again as the idiot I was I believed he was waiting till he could find a really good job before he moved up. I find it very hard to forgive myself for this.

Eventually lockdown happened and our son was nearly 2 at this point and he decided to live with us throughout the lockdown and I felt we was genuinely really happy. Despite his huge insecurity I thought it was just his age that brought this on and perhaps as he grew up and found a better job he would feel better about himself and grow his confidence. Clearly this was not the case his issues were a lot further deep rooted than that.

I helped him fill numerous job applications and cvs to help him find a job supported him throughout all of it, whilst I paid for near enough everything. He finally got a brilliant job in which he would have to do a range of shifts but I supported him so did my parents who frequently looked after our soon to allow us to keep our jobs despite the unsociable hours our jobs required.

Once he started this job it all went down from here or I suppose maybe his true colours finally came out. He took out a huge loan to buy a flashy ridiculous car we could not afford despite me begging him not to whilst I drove round in a old banged up car. I clearly see now this car was to impress the AP at work. He became increasingly distant, nasty and quick to anger. I did not find out about this girl until a few months in until seeing a video of them all working to which he was adamant he had told me about her being from the same background and culture etc.. this immediately raised flags but I ignored it again as I 100% trusted him as I really believed he would not throw it away all over again. What an idiot I was.

Eventually he asked for her number as he has told me and they quickly began meeting up for sex in hotel rooms when they was both suppose to be on night shifts. Baring in mind we had no money at this point as we was scrapping together to pay bills and for his ridiculous car. My parents would often look after our son so he could get enough rest after his ‘tiring’ night shifts whilst I was at work. He frequently messaged the AP and rang her whilst I was at work and I was oblivious to it all until one day in April 2022 we was in his car and he accidentally swiped something on his phone and I saw hundreds of WhatsApp messages between him and this girl. I asked him who it was and he completely denied it was the girl but a ‘family friend’. I completely knew it was a lie as I had already done some digging and knew what she looked like l. I confronted him about this and he apologised and said they was just talking and nothing was happening. I told him I wanted to see the messages but he refused and deleted all of it. I messaged her instead on Facebook to ask what the hell was going on and she completely lied and said it was just work place friendship and she would back off. Looking back at this I wish she had just told me the truth, both of them. As I would have gladly left them too it and carried on with my life. I remember frequently telling him if he wasn’t happy to leave, and she could have him for all I care if something shady was going on. He constantly denied anything and things carried on clearly. Few months later he was made redundant at his job, and I also found out I was pregnant as well.

He seemed thrilled at the pregnancy as he had completely missed out on the previous one (which was his own fault I know) but I was happy to and I felt for those few months everything was okay and I supported him looking for a new jobs whilst I worked ridiculous overtime hours during my pregnancy to make up for our income loss.

I did not find out about the affair until January when I was 8 months pregnant as you can imagine I was absolutely devastated. I had an awful virus at the time and was still going to work when in the middle of the night I received a Facebook message off the APs boyfriend about something suspicious. I felt sick to my stomach. It was like I knew it was going to be bad but I just wanted to deny it. I waited until he woke up for work (like a pathetic idiot as I didn’t want him to be tired for his shift) and asked him outright if they was anything he needed to tell me. His face dropped and I knew than. I felt like my world was absolutely shattered and once I found out the full extent and how long it went on for I was absolutely destroyed. I packed my stuff and went to live with my parents with out little boy.

Him and his family obviously begged for me to take him back. I do feel incredibly sorry for his mother as out of all her sons he is the only one who has children and a partner. The other too are around 40 mark and still living at home with them. Our children are her only grandchildren and she was absolutely disgusted and devastated this has happened. I genuinely do love his family and really enjoy spending time with them so this is also very depressing.

I had to tell everything to my midwife as when going for a checkup I had lost a huge amount of weight and blood pressure was incredibly low she ended up sending me to the birthing unit to be monitored as I had keystones in my urine. I also had to have a huge STI panel check AT 8 months pregnant as they hadn’t used protection. I have never been so humiliated in my entire life .

After so much begging from his family and him that he would change I came home just before the birth. My 5 year old was also becoming increasingly aware something was going on and became playing up frequently telling me he wanted to go home and asking me where his dad was. I had no idea what to do. I felt like I wanted him to experience the birth and newborn stage as he completely missed out the first time, even though it was his own fault. I know he doesn’t even deserve it as he clearly held no respect or care for me or our family after what he had done but I still felt bad.

I went back and he did everything a remorseful partner should do, gave me 100% access to his phone, email, werabouts and got rid of the flashing car. He’s applied for counselling and had said frequently he didn’t love the AP or want to be with her. But the messages I have seen can’t be erased. He was telling her how much he loved her, wanted to marry her, have a baby with her, he was only with me for our son and I was a bitch and used him for money and cheated on him. Clearly none of that was true as I have been 100% faithful throughout all the lies and pain and misery and I look back now and think what the hell was it all for?. All I ever wanted was him. I loved him wanted the best for him just wanted him to be happy. I can see now I mothered him and I am a very independent person, don’t need him for financial support or help with the kids as I enjoy doing it all on my own. This clearly didn’t help his self esteem and thus clearly needed to find validation elsewhere for confirmation what a wonderful person he was.

Supporting him all these years and loving him for him to throw me away like I meant nothing. I feel the only reason he stayed with me and didn’t go with the AP was because she didn’t want him as she wanted to stay with her boyfriend. This cuts me really deeply and makes me feel worthless. I wish she had wanted him and they had got together so I wouldn’t have to deal with all this misery.

I just wanted him to be happy even if it wasn’t with me I would have been glad he found someone he clicked with. I told him this but obviously as she doesn’t want him and with having another baby he’s adamant he didn’t want her. But I feel the damage is done. He frequently stated how much he loves me and regrets what he’s done and will spend the rest of his life proving this.

But I feel hollow inside. Angry at myself for allowing this to happen and for taking him back after our first child. I feel I have let my children and family down as I clearly ignored all the red flags and didn’t see the bigger picture.

He says he loved me throughout the whole thing but clearly this can’t be true. You can not do this to someone you love. I understand now he’s broken and there’s a big hole inside he needs to fill with frequent validations and attention off others. It hurts as I have given him everything and it just wasn’t enough. I can’t understand any of it, which I guess I never will do. I never even so much as thought of cheating or flirting with someone else during our relationship. I just wanted him and to be a good partner and mother.

I know life goes on and things change. But my question is can he really change? Even with all the counselling and transparency? Is there even any point trying again?. I can’t even stand being in the same room as him most of the time and the thought of being intimate with him makes me feel sick. I put on a brave face for the children and family as I don’t want to upset anyone, but I feel so lost.

Is there anyone I can bring my feelings back for him? Attraction? I feel If he moves out and we date again and take things slow and I see positive changes in him maybe it will come back? Or is this just a loss cause and I have to accept it for what it is?. I do feel sorry for him as I can’t imagine what it feels like to be the cause of all this mess but at the same time I feel he has to live with his choices and the AP clearly was worth more than our family.

I guess what I really want to know is from an outsider’s perspective so you think it is possible he does genuinely love me? Or is it he will never really love anyone until he finally loves himself?. I feel he can’t ever be happy with anyone until he’s finally happy with himself and clearly no matter how much love I gave him it was not enough.

I feel sorry for my children as I feel I have really let them down and I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for it all.

I’m sorry for all the rambling and the long post I just finally wanted to get it all out and knew this was the only safe place I could do so. Thank you to anyone who manages to read it all.

12 comments posted: Wednesday, May 10th, 2023