Old Flame, Fresh Scars

I am so thankful to have found this group- yet, I so wishes I didn't have to. My WH and I would be celebrating 35 years of marriage this coming November. He was dx with Glioblastoma back in February of this year (2023) and has been struggling with tumor induced confusion and cognitive decline, along with stroke he suffered during craniotomy at the end of March. We have 4 grown kids, 2 of whom still live at home. And they have been huge emotional as well as physical support for me. This is my husband’s second brain tumor dx. First was 15 years ago and he was in complete remission during those years. I am telling you all this to lead you up to how the A came to light. With the tumor locating in the right frontal lobe, his executive function is in disarray causing loss of filter. Well, the lack of filter and judgement let the cats out of the bag, sort of speak.

One day I was out to lunch with a friend while one of our daughters stayed with my husband, she caught him scrolling through porn on twitter. She frantically told me when I got home what had happened in my absence. When we asked him about it, he became quite defensive and said well you think this is bad… let me tell you…. The rest is history. He told us he’s been addicted to porn for over 6 years, and about an A he had 30 years ago with a graduate school classmate of his that went on for 6 months. During that time, we became pregnant with our first child and his initial thought, he said was ‘what am I going to tell xxxxx". When he was in grad school, I suspected something but I dismissed it as overthinking on my part after asking him ‘why are you spending so much time at her house?’. He quickly dismissed it as part of a group project. She apparently constantly asked him to tell of about the A because she wanted him to go with her to where her job offer awaited. He was still waiting for a job offer at the time of graduation. Well, he never did tell me about the A. He was eventually offered a job in another state, we moved and started our family. But apparently the A continued until we had a second child while she would come to visit him now and then while he was ‘at work’. I also found a card once in his dresser from her, that said ‘I miss you’. I did ask him about that.. but then again he quickly dismissed it.

Things are a bit complicated in that with his cognitive decline, I can’t verify lot of the facts. He either over exaggerates or denies everything. But what I know is that since he has no filter, what comes out of his mouth first is usually the truth and this has hurt me deeply. It’s been 4 weeks since he spilled the beans and my heart is still broken into million pieces. Yet I am the main caregiver who takes him to radiation therapy everyday, drives him to appointments, sets his medication out for him x3 a day. Yes it’s been a long time since the A happened, but the fact that he kept this from me for so long, pretended all these years as nothing had ever happened, and the fact that he’d been such a doting & loving husband all these years make it that much harder to trust him. I feel like everything he’s ever said or done for me are bunch of lies. I feel as though I should just put him on the plane to the woman he so loved back 30 years ago. My heart just hurts. Grieving for my husband’s illness and his inevitable passing were all I could endure but then this. Will I ever be able to put the pieces of my heart together again? He may have cheated and crushed my heart but I will honor my promise and care for him until his passing. I just don’t know how to mend my own heart as I continue on this journey. Thank you for reading. 🙏♥️

7 comments posted: Thursday, June 1st, 2023