I see him in a different light now-who is this person?

I am ~4 months out past DDay. And for the most part am less triggered, have been through so many questions (none left to ask at this point that I don't know the answer to). I have been getting IC, that has helped some as well. He is making all necessary steps to show me he is putting in the effort, I SEE the changes (slowly and waaaay too soon to get excited about that -yet). He seems to have delved into what caused him to make such a horrible mistake- and seems to have a better understanding.

So what's the problem? Well a friend asked me'do you like who you are when you are with him?'- NOPE- not really, I am still suspicious, and worried this will happen again.

And to be honest, I am not sure who he is now? Like, WHO are you? I know they say the old marriage is gone, but the old him is gone as well. I no longer see the person I thought he was, I analyze his motives, watch his interactions with others. I'm not obsessing but I am observing, studying to see how I could have missed such obvious signs (I was trusting like a dummy).

So how do I rebuild my image of him? Will he be happy with less (only one partner)? Will he bored with the monotony of marriage? I know my deal breakers- and he does as well- this happens again and we're done. This his is ONLY chance. So do I throw caution to the wind and put in 110% and if it bites me so be it, or do I stay guarded, watchful and waiting for the other shoe to drop?

All I can say is, neither one of us is the same. And of course the marriage has been shattered completely so we are rebuilding from ruins.

Any thoughts anyone, did you get to this point and what did you do? How did you act, when you were past the worst of the emotions but now in this sort of limbo/observation phase?

Thanks all and hugs to you- this is so tough.

12 comments posted: Friday, July 28th, 2023

How to move past the pain, or can you?

Hi all,

New to the forum. DD for me was ~2 months ago. Husband had an affair with someone I thought was a friend. I found out from a mutual friend. He would not come clean until I begged and pleaded and poked so much he finally admitted to sex 'a few times,' obviously not true. It was a full blown affair for what he says 1 year (2019-2020), but then they tried to go back to being friends and kept her around. However, I saw her pursuing him last summer but he was not reciprocating at that point. I did ask over the last few years so many times and said they seemed too close, etc. but it always turned to gaslighting and denial.

We have had our sets of issues like all couples but of course I did not expect this. I was frustrated with him on many levels and a few years ago (around start of affair I'm guessing) I was in what Gottman would describe as full contempt.

I just really need some support here. I am struggling with the pain, it is so deep and hurts to the core. To the point where it is a knot in my stomach and bubbles up into tears. I have moved through all of the stages of grief and keep cycling through them.

He is doing everything right, listening to the podcasts I send him, reading articles and books as requested and on his own, we'd done some couples therapy and more to come and I'm also in individual therapy. Of course promises this will never happen again (means nothing) and he has opened up his accounts and has enabled location tracking- so what!

I guess I want to know, at what point do you decide to keep going or cut your losses. I love him very much and we have an incredible family life with our three kids (school aged). But I'm not sure I can be with someone now that I know his true colours and I have said this reconciliation is a one time gift, I will not grant this again (VERY CLEARLY).

How do you go on every day? Do you feel this awful every day? At what point is it better? Seeing him is a constant reminder of the pain but being away from him isn't much better. Is there any point to put in more safeguards in place? Doorbell cameras? Post nuptual agreements? Or am I just dreaming here.

Looking for support and no judgement please. I've already beaten myself up for how I could go back in time and catch onto this sooner or safeguard my marriage better. Or how I could have been so foolish.

46 comments posted: Sunday, June 18th, 2023