It is what it is! Ughh! I know this, and I hate it daily. But….

Wow! Mind blown! Please look at the posts to the BM and BW on patriarchy…!!!

I am a marriage and family therapist…but actually started out research oriented in social and behavioral psych. I actually left a research position to go into psychotherapy and obtained 2 licenses in my state as well as board approved supervision status for both since 2007. But I have been licensed in the field since 2002. I say this, because there are 2 posts that have jumped out at me in my daily lurking on the site for my brain health. LOL. But I will get back to that.
My DDay was 8/26/2019. I discovered my husband, and college sweetheart of 21+ years at the time, was having an affair since he left for conference on 8/4/2019. I had no idea until 8/26 when he accidentally left his phone out in the kitchen, and I saw what I saw! A girl…definitely 10 years younger, but come to find out 15 years younger than me, sending seductive pics in his tshirts with a message …can’t wait to see you again. We had plans to take our then 10 year old daughter to a baseball game that evening. Instead of blowing up at 5:40 in the morning before my workout, I thought, I will ride this out for the day and see what happens. Well what happened was, I worked out, and while on the treadmill at Orange theory, I realized, I have access to his Facebook. I will just log in and see what happens if I follow his messenger account. Well I did, and let’s just say, the day was a constant effort of making screen shots, and compartmentalization while I was seeing clients. I saw a lot to confirm what I feared. I told him I was sick…and that he needed to take her without me. I then spent the rest of the day and night taking screenshots, even after he and my daughter returned home from the game. When they got home, my daughter sat next to me on he sofa, and he was in his recliner continuing to message her while in the same room. This was not a hack job, and I now had proof. We put her to bed, and I confronted him…and the usual stuff talked about here followed. Trickle truth. Lies, covering his bases, trying to navigate should we or shouldn’t we. Fortunately, that is the worst week that my beautiful girl has had to experience because, even when shit got bad, we both did our best to protect her from the fallout…but she still knows, Dad cheated on Mom and things have not been the same since. We have all been in and continue as needed with therapy, but I can honestly say, we (the WH and me BS) have done a really good job of keeping our work away from her. But Recovery is and has been difficult. For 5 years now.
I am not wanting to share my long story in this post, but just really want to say how interested I am in the 2 posts about patriarchy on this topic section. Wow! I realize I have not contributed a lot on the forums, as I have been more of a lurker to just settle my own lizard brain in times of chaos. And man is this site good support for that. But those two posts jumped out at me. Why?
Because the one geared towards women was posted first, and the one geared towards men after. And it seemed like the men were wayyyy more vocal immediately. My research brain immediately started saying "correlation does not mean causation" but my heart was like why??????
I can’t tell you how many times I have been referred to as "the glue of the family, the heart and soul of the family by my WH. And it dawned on me…I hate that he sees me this way. He thinks it’s a compliment, but it’s really a cop out. I also noticed how quick the men were to respond versus the women. Why?
Is it because we are expected to more patient, empathic. Etc…
This has really gotten my hamster wheel running in my head and away from the why’s of my husband’s actions, and thrown it into the "how does this happen" mode. And for that I am grateful. I look forward to hearing what I imagine will be very helpful, and useful posts to follow. So thank you to OPs of these threads. If you are not just researchers doing intel, I really appreciate the direction your posts have taken me to. And please know, I only shared my career labels because I want to be up front with the reality, you don’t know nothing about this shit until it happens to you. I love what I do for a living, but this has rocked me to my core, and has made me question daily why I do what I do. Everyone here is amazing proof that life goes on even after we try to obliterate it!❤️

5 comments posted: Thursday, September 12th, 2024

What did the Unfaithful do that made you feel like recovery and reconciliation was possible?

I know those are two separate questions, recovery and/or reconciliation. But I am now 4.5 years out. I wonder if my compassion fatigue just got the best of me. I am a therapist, and I listen to hurting people daily. And I believe my UH as been doing what he can, but I am full by the time I check out of the office. I really just don’t know if I have settled for silence and POLF as my username implies. I feel love for him. But I really struggle with this flatness in our "renewed relationship". I know I still have questions, and I am sure I have not even asked the most pressing ones, because, I am just tired. We have an amazing teen, the kind everyone dreams of. Successful, scholastic, and wayyy obligated with activities. I feel like I get home and shift gears to parent. So marriage often takes a backseat. At least to me. But to him, he seems to feel charged, renewed, almost overly into making our marriage the best it can be. And I am like…yeah, ok, as long as I don’t have to think too hard about any of this. I really feel I have been POLFing for the last 2:years. And it just doesn’t sit well with me when I am alone with my head. Anyone relate?

8 comments posted: Friday, February 23rd, 2024