My Story.....

I am a Uk based father to three married for 25 years. Two young adults and a soon to be teenage daughter.

My other half had an affair 14 years ago at about the time our daughter was born with someone she works with. It lasted about 4 years at least....I know that because she made a very detailed diary which I found while tidying our bedroom.

I always thought she was having an affair with him and she has always denied it (which produced huge tension and many heated arguments), but armed with this new "proof" I confronted her one more time and she finally admitted it, though her first suggestion was that this had been a fantasy.

It told a tale of how she was in love with him and indicated that she got pregnant to him but that after some discussion they terminated the birth and when I checked her diarys over the years (I know I shouldn't) she regularly posted things like "I wish we could be with you on this your birthday" which seemd an unlikely thing to do were it to be a fantasy.

Three months after this pregnancy she got pregnant again and we had a daughter (who I am fairy confident is mine)..... The diary indicated she carried on with the affair for at least another year and then he ended it and entered another relationship which I know also split up long ago.

To make matter worse she is still seeing him and phones him every day. She maintains this is as a friend but hard to know whether this is true (I feel friends with benefits...but who knows?). I do know we have had no intimacy since our daughter was born. (I have also asked her to ,get an STI test done (not sure how I will see evidence for this).

I recently gave her an ultimatum saying either to get him out of her life by Christmas or I would divorce without any further discussion if there was even one more communication after Christmas. I gave this length of time partly as her father only has a short time to live but partly as we have kids and ideally I dont want to upset their life if there is another option. I doubt she will be able to keep from contacting him but time will tell.

She twisted and turned many times in order to get out of this ultimatum saying she was reliant on his advice in order to keeps her job and to talk with him for mental health. I suggested she get a therapist if she needed to talk. The other thing that came up is that teh book was from a long time ago and that there currently is no physical relationship, so I should just let the past lie. Again....who knows?

When I asked her why she had the affair she indicated that she was "mad" at the time......She does have mental health issues and is seeing a therapist (with whom she has not mentioned any of the above) and is on medication for depression....but I cant accept that as a general catch all for either absolving of personal responsibility or giving me confidence it won't happen again.

Not much else to say....weirdly I still love her and on her good days she is great to be with ....but I dont have many actual feelings for her.....just a detached coolness (no longer angry or sad or anything) and a need to remove the cancer of this unwanted relationship she entered into from my life.

It may work out (which would be great), it may not (which would at least allow me to move forwards).....

11 comments posted: Tuesday, June 27th, 2023