Something doesn’t feel right

My wife and I have been together for 23+ years and married for almost 21. When we first started dating, she was a junior in college two states away. We told each other we weren’t dating anyone else, but I later found out from her, she did continue dating other guys. That summer things got very serious with us to the point she wanted to marry. I convinced her to hold off until she graduated. She went back to school and I visited often. Throughout her senior year I would get a feeling in my gut and that she may not be faithful, but she always brushed it off and convinced me (and her friends) I was being "controlling and paranoid". By the time she was ready to graduate, we were planning our lives together and I was supporting her graduating in every way possible. When she got out of school I gave her my car and we happily started planning a wedding. During this time, she shared that the first weekend back in school she and her roommate had spent a weekend with two guys in another school. She slept in one guys bed with him, but nothing happened except him giving her a massage. Then right before and during the week she graduated, there was another guy she met at a party. She claimed nothing physical happened. She always said "she just wanted some attention". I was furious at these confessions, but forgave her. We pushed a wedding back a bit and did go to pre-marital counseling. I was fairly convinced I knew everything, but always had a feeling she wasn’t completely truthful.

Fast forward 10 years. We were going through some trying times financially. We were both working, with me working a lot to get out of the hole we were in. Our communication and intimacy suffered. One evening I came home and she was sobbing uncontrollably and just kept saying "I’m sorry, I’m sooo sorry!" Asking me to forgive her. She had watch a movie that involved cheating and ended badly for the offending party. I kept asking what happened and when she calmed down she told me there was a guy at work that was interested in her, but nothing happened. It was stopped before it could. I didn’t buy that, so she told me she did go on lunch dates with him and he massaged her shoulders at the office, but that was it. She eventually told me whatever did happen stopped because a co-worker was uncomfortable with whatever it was that was happening and the manager called her co-worker in and reprimanded him. After this she said everything stopped. All along though, she states that whatever happened we share the blame, because our marriage was struggling.

Last year while we were celebrating our 20th anniversary something happened that made me jealous, which lead to a long conversation where she "finally came completed honest" about some of what happens above. She said she did kiss one of the guys while at college, but that was it. She also came clean about some of her physical history when we started dating. I didn’t really believe she was being completely honest yet, especially about the co-worker while we were married, which she still partially blames me for. I saw a therapist a few times and he seemed to agree. I don’t sleep well, I think about it a lot, and I still bring it up to her. When we do talk about it, she tells me she was glad her manager ended it and by that point she was annoyed by the guy. I’ve since looked at her phone when she wasn’t around and went through old messages. It looks like a co-worker knew about it, and she mentioned how mad she was at the whistleblower because "she had a big mouth". She still messaged the guy and other old coworkers to see how he was doing after she quit that job and we moved away. Nothing too bad on the messages except for her complaining about the whistleblower.

I’ve thought about reaching out to her old manager, who is an acquaintance, to see if her story holds up and asking her to let me go through her phone to see of messages, emails, etc. Am I going too far with this? Have I driven myself crazy? I feel like I need to know for sure and I don’t trust her because she’s lied to me our entire relationship. I love her and have two awesome kids that I love and want to protect from this. What should I do?

15 comments posted: Thursday, June 22nd, 2023