My Ex-Husband left me years ago. We've since become friends. He wants to reconcile, but I'm hesitant if it's possible

I searched several marriage groups,from various platforms, just seeking help and advice. My issue is long and messy. Possibly too confusing. I just would like some outside opinions and advice as well as support. My Issue: Several years back, my now Ex-Husband met a woman. Started an affair. I found out after coming home a day early (sick) from a work retreat and catching them, literally in the act. In our bed. Needless to say I left him. We shared a 3 year old daughter, so I had to eventually have contact with him. It was so hard, he was I thought, my soul mate. I thought he really loved me. For weeks he would try and contact me, show up at my work. I just couldn't bare seeing him. Weeks later he and I finally sat and talked.

He told me he never meant to hurt me. He loved me, but he had fallen into love with this other woman. He was confused as to how he could be in love with two women.

When my marriage ended I was devastated. I was depressed. I hid it well from family and friends. I always put on a strong face. I threw myself into running marathons. I spent the time alone when my daughter was with her Dad, crying and working obsessively. I ended up meeting a man. It was amazing for a year, then he became pure evil.

He became physically abusive. Severely. He would beat me, every day. I was hospitalized several times and had to tell my Ex husband that I could not meet for pick up of our daughter because I was sick, or working.

My daughter became old enough to notice that I was bruised and started telling her father. The final straw was I had my daughter for a weekend, my fiancee became upset, he beat me with my daughter in the next room, so badly that he had me rushed to the ER. My Ex of course was notified and arrived to retrieve our daughter. I was put into a coma to prevent brain swelling. I was hospitalized for months. I was in that relationship because he was a rebound to my failed marriage. I was so depressed. I didn't want to live anymore. I felt so low and disgusted with myself, unlovable I felt I deserved to be beat.

I ended up leaving the that relationship and I sought help with depression and domestic violence. I've been single and doing so much better.

My ExHusband and I have become friends. We Co-Parent well. He amd I took our daughter to Stockholm to see her grandparents. I met him there, I had never been before. It's his hometown, I stayed in a hotel. He and our daughter stayed with family.

It's been years. We are older now! We often talk about my past with my Abusive Ex. But for the first time my Ex Husband told me that a conversation he had with my abuser, may have triggered the abuse. He stayed with the other woman a couple years. But the whole time, he knew he made a mistake. He was still in love with me. He attempted to tell me a few times, but didn't. He told a friend how he felt about me, that friend told my then abusive boyfriend, and they actually got in a fight. A physical fight, over what my Husband was saying. My Ex husband admitted he knew or at least suspected that he was hitting me. He said he saw the bruises and our daughter would tell him things.

He and I have been having long conversations often. I consider him a friend. Its been years. I am a different person now.

I am talking about all of this because I dont know how to handle this situation I'm in now. Which is. I slipped and had sex with my Ex-Husband. It happened after a night of us as usual drinking and talking. It was the first time I had sex in many years so obviously, I'm not on birth control. It was irresponsible, I felt guilty right away. I don't know why. He was all for it! He was very aggressive, or maybe it was in my mind. He didn't seem to care about me not being on any form of birth control. The sex was INCREDIBLE but It left me confused. Ashamed of myself. Also worried if he could have gotten me pregnant.

My Ex-husband is now saying he's in love with me. He wants me to be his. He has been sending flowers, when we talk he tells me he wants to make love again. He's crazy about me. He misses me.

I told him I dont want a relationship. I've been single for so long. I dont think I can be in another relationship.

He became upset saying. I knew that he's been in love with me. I made him fall in love more by having sex. He's confused and doesn't understand why I do not want to try for more.

He has changed, he is a much better man. It's not even because of our divorce and him cheating. Its been years, I've accepted that he fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else. I cannot control his heart.

It's my abuser. He killed me from the inside. I feel worthless and ugly and not deserving of any man. Forcing sex on me when he wanted. I never felt loved by him. He would always tell me, he can see why my husband left me for another woman. Always throwing it in my face. Comparing me to her. Because she is very pretty.

My trust of men has been destroyed. And so is my judgement. I dont know what to do about my Ex-Husband. I have been so hurt and betrayed by men. I tell myself I'm just better off alone. I keep thinking he just wants sex, nothing more from me. He left me before he will leave again. So many negative thoughts funneling through my mind.

How can he have feelings for me after so many years, he fell out of love with me. But after one sex encounter he's fallen back into love? He says sex twice. He says he feels used, because I knew how he felt.

He came to me today, invited me to spend the holiday weekend with him and our daughter at his house. He and our daughter has plans to go boating on Lake Michigan. Fireworks on the Lake and cooking. If I say no. I feel like I am letting my daughter down. I have noticed she seems to suspect something between her father and I. She gets so excited to have him and I together. I think he has been telling her things.

Am I wrong to be so hesitant? Am I letting my pain cheat me out of possibly reconciling with my Ex? Or am I wise to push him away. Mentally I'm such a mess, I just think horribly of myself.

I'm not unattractive. I'm Fit, I am attractive so I'm told. I don't know if I should go to his house or say no, risk making my daughter upset. Or if I say yes, I end up reinvesting in a relationship and it falls apart again. Then I couldn't forgive myself if I out myself in that situation again. Is it even appropriate to be sleeping at my Ex husband's house, after we had a one night stand.

I just need some advice. Thank You.

31 comments posted: Saturday, July 8th, 2023