A reflection one year later
When I was relatively new here, I searched and searched for a timeline for healing. I looked here and all over the internet. I NEEDED to know how long this was going to take, when I would feel better, etc. The general 2-5 years consensus around here felt unbearable. I told myself that if I made it through, I’d post about what my first year looked like in hopes that I’d help someone lost, scared, and heartbroken as I was in those early days. This will likely be lengthy.
Background: WH had an affair with a married coworker that lasted about 2-3 months. They made out a bunch of times but did not have sex but were planning to. He had been acting distant and we had been arguing more and I cannot explain to this day why as I had no evidence whatsoever, but I asked "is there someone else?" He confessed, on the phone while I was at work. Brutal.
D-day: I drove home (no idea how) in massive thunderstorm telling him he needed to end it. He said he wasn’t going to. He didn’t outright say it, but he was talking like it was over. "We can still be friends", crap like that. I felt utterly helpless. Who on earth was this person? When I got home and we talked, he had cold, dead eyes. It truly felt like I was with a total stranger. After several hours, he broke down and said he would end it. He sent AP a text saying it was over, but I hated how polite it seemed (he did later give a letter that I approved). We agreed to start marriage counseling and had our first appointment a few days in.
The next two weeks were strange. I felt like a zombie. I rarely slept, rarely ate. I was numb. I was crying a lot but able to attend family events and get through them ok. I would questions things over and over. I demanded a lie detector test because I didn’t believe there was no sex. WH agreed and passed it.
I think it all truly hit me 3-4 weeks in. I started having panic attacks. I couldn’t even attend family events. I felt anxious and sad. My nerves felt completely exposed. I couldn’t even watch tv or listen to music. For months, it was all game shows or sports, everything else was too triggering. Then the anger. I had never felt anger like that in my life. It was pumping through my veins. I am not proud to admit it but I need to be real here- I became verbally and physically abusive to WH. I hated who I had become. I knew I needed help. I made my first individual therapy appointment 5 weeks in. Shortly after that, I started reading "Living and loving after betrayal" by Dr. Steven Stosny. I give SOOO much credit to these 2 things. I would love to give credit to the poster on here who mentioned that book but I cannot recall who it was. I didn’t just read the book, I did the exercises daily, faithfully. I’d also highly recommend the audio book. There was something so very soothing about hearing that voice say things I truly needed to hear. WH had also started his own therapy around the time I did. He was resistant to it at first and kept trying to blame our fights in our marriage for him cheating. Our marriage therapist helped him see the need for his own therapy.
About two months in, trickle truth started to come out. Nothing major but he had lied about certain details. And every lie is a direct hit. I would ask questions over and over. He would lie, then it started eating at him and he would later tell the truth. It was awful. Then one day, he needed to tell all the truth. He had been saying from the beginning that it was just an ego boost, it just made him feel young again, blah blah. Turns out that was a lie. He admitted that he felt out of control and was trying to get her to have sex with him at work and she wouldn’t. Which is why he snapped and told me on d-day because he was driven to act it out. We later discovered with the help of his wonderful current therapist that he’s a sex addict- but I did not know this at the time. This was one of my worst days. Thankfully, my amazing therapist squeezed me in for an emergency session that day. Then, the following day he again needs to unload. This time, it’s a long history of sexual abuse throughout his childhood and awful acting out behaviors throughout his adult life, before we were together. Now knowing so much more about sex addiction and childhood trauma, things make more sense but at the time I was lost and confused.
The first month or so after that revelation were really bad. WH had a mental breakdown and I’ve never seen him like that. He had what his now therapist calls "OCD tendencies" and he felt like he needed to tell me every single detail because he could no longer hold in lies- even though I had only wanted details on specific things. When I say every detail, I mean every stupid thing like "she asked me if her hair looked nice and I said it did". It was so painful but looking back, I think it now helps me empathize with WH. For a while, I thought "he got all the fun, I got all the pain". But he certainly suffered too. He was eventually diagnosed with PTSD (from his childhood trauma) and still sees a therapist and psychiatrist. I felt so torn like I needed to decide between leaving and staying. My therapist helped me see that my actions showed I was staying- and that was ok! She helped me realize that I could always change my mind if anything else happened, I had new information or really any reason. This took a huge weight off me. Seems obvious from the outside but when you’re in a dark place you can’t see much.
Around four months after, I slowly started to see light. I continued doing the daily exercises from the Steven Stosny book, journaling every day, seeing my therapist weekly and also attended a support group for wives recovering from infidelity. I also begin re-igniting my spiritual journey which had been dormant for many years. I begin praying daily and even returned to church. If you had known me before all this, that was a big surprise even to me.
By month 5, I had slightly more good days than bad. I still had plenty of bad moments but they weren’t taking me down for a whole day or even several. Our anniversary hit me really hard though, I sank into depression for a few days after that. The holidays were approaching after that and I had this terrible fear that they would put me down again. My therapist helped me come up with a plan and the holidays went pretty well. Slowly, painfully slowly, the good continued to outweigh the bad.
I "graduated" from therapy after about 7.5 months, almost 9 months from d-day. I was terrified because A season was approaching. My therapist assured me that I could reach out to her if needed but she felt I was ready. The season came and went, including D-day antiversary and I really was ok. This by no means is saying there weren’t tough moments. I still have those. They’re just not that often and not debilitating anymore.
WH has been doing the work. He attends therapist weekly, a 12 step program for his sex addiction and regular follow ups with his psychiatrist. He’s on medication now and has been for several months. He never broke no contact that I’m aware of. He quit his job immediately on d-day and never returned. He took up a whole new career and has been really working hard in that. If you knew him before, that’s a pretty big deal. He’s always hated change or trying new things and learning anything new. He’s stepped up in helping with household chores and stuff with the kids. He’s done everything I’ve asked and more. This is not me bragging. He’s done so much wrong, especially in the beginning- but I do need to acknowledge what he’s done right.
We are both very different people today, but in a good way. I am kinder, more empathetic, more sensitive to others needs. He is actually working hard at supporting our family and to be a man he can be proud of and finally addressing all his past issues and mistakes. I HATE what it took for us to get here but am proud of the path we choose after the fact. I knew somewhere along the way that I could come out of this better and stronger or bitter and resentful- but I got to choose.
I don’t believe I’m totally healed. I have triggers, bad moments, etc. It’s quite possible I’ll always have them. They just don’t take me to the deep depths of despair as they did before and I recover much quicker. I am realistic and know that the road ahead is not easy but I also know that I can get through hard things. As my therapist taught me, so far I’ve survived 100% of all my bad days.
Again, I wrote this not to brag but to offer some hope. A post like this would’ve helped me in my dark days and I certainly hope it could help someone in the throes of it. Hugs to anyone on this horrible journey. Thanks to the many here who offer kindness and support despite going through such awful pain. You all meant so much to me in those days, even if I didn’t comment much.
6 comments posted: Wednesday, July 3rd, 2024
Recovery timeline?
Can anyone who has been through successful R share their timeline?
D-day was 4.5 months ago. The first two months were horrendous, then there were some good days. We both had a stretch of a solid 2 good weeks together, now we’re in the lows again. Our anniversary was a big trigger.
There’s a lot going on. We’re both in IC. Me for the betrayal trauma. He went to figure out his why’s, revealed childhood sexual trauma and changed therapists to one that specializes in trauma. Did about 2 months of MC but stopped so we could focus on our individual work.
This just feels like pure hell. I know I love him, I do want to rebuild our marriage. He wants the same but is feeling really overwhelmed with dealing with our own issues plus seeing my pain. I want to know when it might get better. Our mental health is suffering and I don’t know how long this is sustainable.
7 comments posted: Thursday, October 26th, 2023
BSs- how did you know R was for you?
I’m a little over 3 months out from D-day. My WH has been doing pretty much everything he can to repair. He ended it that day and has not had contact. He gave me full access to everything immediately. The AP was a coworker and he quit that job immediately and never went back. He read how to help your spouse heal from your affair. He did TT a bit- about 6 weeks ago he confessed the full truth about how he was feeling (he kept saying he couldn’t end it because they worked together but truth was he felt addicted) and also about childhood trauma and other incidents of acting out (which were before me). He took a polygraph which was truthful and per that, he has not cheated on me any other time. He’s seeing an IC, changed to a trauma certified one once he told me about that. He apologizes daily, is so remorseful and I believe he’s making every effort to save the marriage.
The issue is me. I’m not sure if I’m cut out for R. Generally, I’m easily hurt and don’t tend to forgive easily. This has been the most painful thing I’ve ever been through. Some days, I’m ok- even happy- and totally feel all in with R. Other days, I think no way in hell. How can I be married to someone who did something so painful to me? I wish I could be one of those gracious, forgiving people but I’m just not. My IC had me write out if I stay and if I leave. That exercise broke me, I wept so badly when thinking of us being apart. Actually, after I wrote that I had almost 2 weeks of feeling really positive about R, then the darkness came again. He’s begging me to stay, says he will do anything and I believe it. But he can’t give me the one thing I really wanted and that was a faithful marriage. Overall, I have more good days than bad lately but the bad ones feel so incredibly awful that I’m not sure I’ll ever be ok with this.
Am I just not a good candidate for R? Is this normal for a BS at this stage? Any advice is truly appreciated.
18 comments posted: Monday, September 25th, 2023
How do you deal with this?
Unfortunately found myself here. Been reading along but have not been able to post yet. I’ll try to give all the necessary details but I’m kind of a mess right now so please forgive me if this is all over place. Still learning the abbreviations as well. Been married 9 years, together 13. 1 shared child, older teens from previous marriages from both of us. We lacked good communication skills but honestly he’s been a great husband. We had what I thought was a pretty good marriage. Had seen each other through really rough times.
D-day 20 days ago. WH had EA/PA with coworker for 3 months. Kissing with some holding type stuff. Tons of texting, etc. Confirmed via polygraph that no sexual contact with her or anyone else during our marriage. He very willingly took the poly. He knew this coworker for years. A few years back, OBS reached out to me with concerns about them. She sent him a bikini pic but then said "oops, wrong person". He showed it to me at the time it happened so I believed it. OBS said she was weird and had questions about specific dates, we were away at that time. I trusted him but told him that even if nothing was happening, there was a reason her husband was suspicious and that she probably had a thing for him. He reassured me, nothing was going on blah blah. He swears nothing happened all these years. He did write the timeframe in his poly statement so maybe it’s true, who even knows. Either way, he should have all sorts of boundaries up for my sake and obviously did not.
D-day was horrendous. He had been acting distant and I pointed it out via text. I was at work. I asked straight up if there was someone else and he admitted it. Said "just talking". I told OBS right away. OBS said AP said it was physical, eventually WH admitted to the kissing. I drove straight home. Called him on the way. Told him to end it immediately. He made an awful comment that I cannot get past. He said he couldn’t end it because he could be passing on a golden opportunity. When I got home, he tells me he needs time apart to work on himself. I tell him fine, but he needs to end it with AP. He says no. Acting so cold. While all this is going on, I know he’s texting her but no clue what. At some point, I broke down and bawled my eyes out. Begged him to stay, reminded him of his promises to me that we’d always try MC before ever giving up. He breaks down too, says he’s so sorry and he agrees to trying to save our marriage. I tell him that he needs to end the A. He finally agrees but said "I’m doing it my way". I sat there while he texted her but it was very….gentle. Something along the lines of "sorry for the pain I’ve caused. We were two people in rocky relationships who were helping each other. I hope you’ll be ok. I have to try to make it work with my wife, who I do still love". This never sat right with me. He went NC except when I asked him to call her to do a better job ending it. She hung up immediately so I’m still lacking closure there. If closure is even possible.
I did not sleep for days. Barely ate. We talked and talked. Laughed, cried, had sex. Probably hysterical bonding. He gave me all the details. I’m sure I asked more than I should’ve. We started MC a few days after D-day. For the first two weeks, I actually was mostly ok. The past few days were the worst so far. I’m so anxious, so many crying fits. Thoughts are spiraling. Two days ago, I could not allow him near me. Looking at him made me nauseous. I was so anxious, I wasn’t functioning. He was crying and begging and pleading. I know he felt horrible seeing me that way. Now I’m angry again and hate him.
I had asked him if on d-day, he told her that he was leaving me. OBS told me that happened, among other things- some correct and some not. WH says he cannot recall if he said that but he doesn’t think so. I’ve pressed for this over and over. Still says the day was a blur and cannot remember. Says he thought it but doesn’t think he said it. This thought is so intrusive and it’s KILLING me. My worry is that he did say that, she rejected him. And I’m the back up plan. How do I cope with this thought? He swears she never rejected him which really makes him think he never said it. But I can’t believe what he says.
I’ve tried downloading his old messages, doing everything I can to find out and I cannot. All the messages are gone. He swears that I’m his only "choice", continually apologizes for everything. Says on D-day, he was confused and panicked but felt like a fog was lifted and he realized how stupid his thinking was. Says he felt such relief after he ended it. Says he didn’t love her, never said it. Their relationship was cute texting, flirting. Never even talked on the phone. And they would hang out at work and kiss when they could sneak a few seconds out of coworkers sight. She wanted more, he told her he couldn’t risk losing his life that he loved (yeah, ok). But admitted if there wasn’t the barrier of being at work, they likely would’ve had sex. He swears he is not even thinking about her anymore, wants to forget all about her.
He has not been to work since, currently out on leave with a non related health issue. Agreeable to never go back. Doing MC, agreeable to find IC. I wake him up in the middle of the night when I’m panicking. He stays up with me. 100% transparency with everything. Reading books and articles. So part of me feels hopeful for brief moments but mostly hopeless. I had to take a Xanax the other day because the anxiety just became unbearable. Honestly it was a godsend.
I don’t know what I’m looking for here. I guess mostly advice on what I should be doing. How do I get past the unknown of possibly being a backup choice? How do I get past the coldness he showed me on d-day? I’ve said I will stay in the house with him for now but my goal is both of us to heal, not necessarily R. Although deep down, I love him so much that I cannot picture my life without him. How do you get through these terrible days and keep your job and manage to care for your family because I feel like I’m sucking at everything right now. I’m torn between just kicking him out and trying to move on and being so desperate to keep him. It’s so pathetic.
13 comments posted: Thursday, July 6th, 2023
