Explaining Divorce to Children & WH "Sadness"

I'm a few months into S (living in separate houses) from my STBXWH and will be initiating D proceedings very soon. WH and I share two young children (between 3-6). The kids live with me full-time, visiting WH for one overnight a week. I understand my children are adjusting to the situation and upset about it, and I've noticed changes in their behavior since the S, although they actually seem to be handling it really well at this point.

There are noteworthy times when they don't handle things as well, however. That is mainly whenever there are transitions between the houses. Recently, they've both pushed back about spending the night with WH and gotten pretty upset about the prospect. When they come back from an overnight at WH's, they are generally clingier with me, but also sometimes very upset about him not being "at home" anymore. At one point, relatively early on in the S my children chastised me (many times) about how "Daddy misses you and wants to come home" and "can you let Daddy come home". At that point, I had a conversation with WH and let him know in no uncertain terms that he needed to keep his emotions in check around them and should not be talking to them about "wanting to come home" (which he denied doing) or even to other people around them (which he also denied doing) or moping/crying in front of them (which he was also doing). Still, it was very obvious that these ideas, which my children had never had before, came directly from him.

Following Thanksgiving, both of my children have brought up again how they miss Daddy and want him to come back home. Given that they've been so well adjusted lately, I assume this is (again) a result of WH saying something to/in front of them.

My concern is how to handle talking to them about the D, especially considering I expect WH to get very emotional once he has D papers. So far we've just told them we S because we have grown-up problems and don't want to live together. His reactions around the kids are undermining that, however, making me concerned that they're beginning to blame me for the S (and soon to be D).

What are your experiences and thoughts on how to handle this situation? Would it make sense to tell them something like, "When people get married they make a promise to be each other's special person. Daddy broke that promise and that's why we're getting divorced"?

As background, I am the child of D parents with a lot of infidelity (and abuse) on the part of my father. I was around my kids' age when my parents D as well. Growing up, my father played the victim and manipulated me into thinking he was the victim. My mother took the high road and didn't tell me until I was a teenager about his abuse and infidelity. I am trying not to repeat my mother's (well-intentioned) mistakes, but also don't want to cause more harm to my kids by telling them more than they need to know.

Any opinions and thoughts are welcome, whether in your experience as an adult or if you also dealt with D parents.

11 comments posted: Tuesday, November 28th, 2023

How Did You Tell WS It's Over and Deal With the Fallout?

For those of you that chose to D your WS, how did you tell them and have those conversations?

I'm leaning toward D (we're S now), and my biggest issue right now is how to have the conversation with WH to really let him know I want a D. I've consulted with attorneys and was advised it would be faster/cheaper if we could try to agree on everything, but my WH doesn't want to D and still is holding out hope. Every time I mention the possibility, he's devolved into a mess and keeps telling me how much he loves me, will make it up to me, etc, etc. I'm trying to keep things from being contentious, so I'm being kind, but I think that's making it appear there's still hope for the M.

I'm trying to figure out if I'll be able to have these conversations or if I'll just need to file (serve him with papers). In my state, that would make it contested and likely drag things out quite a bit. Really just wondering what others experiences have been and also how you handled the guilt, sadness, depression (all the things I'm feeling) when trying to move on from a WS that doesn't want things to end.

18 comments posted: Monday, September 4th, 2023

Husband had a One Night Stand with a man.

Thank you all in advance for listening to my story.

DDay was almost 2 months ago. My husband (M30s) and I (F30s) have been married for 8 years. We have two young children together. He also has a teenager from a previous marriage.

As soon as late last year, I felt we had an enviable marriage. WH has always been prone to significant emotional ups and downs (regular bouts of depression), but nothing we hadn't been able to work through. We also previously dealt with his addiction to painkillers (opiods) and, later, other medication. These were points of stress, particularly when I found out he was "in the hole" financially. This led to my paying more of the bills and our selling our home and downsizing. Our oldest was a baby at the time.

Things seemed to calm down after that, and I accepted our new reality (and paying most of the bills), even as things continued to change. WH was laid-off his job over a year ago. He's moved into a SAHD role since then.

The infidelity in this case was a one-night stand (that I know of) and was preceded by a major emotional event. WH's teenage child decided they no longer wanted to be a part of our lives and entirely cut us off this year. WH spiraled into a deep depression, including feeling suicidal. After a couple of months, he seemed to be on the mend and starting to move forward. Then, in April, he began acting erratically. WH was talking a mile a minute, determined he had found himself, piecing his ears and changing his hairstyle, wanting a new tattoo, and wanting to spend a lot more time with his siblings (all of whom are single and bisexual), etc. He also began withdrawing from me emotionally. He picked fights with me, claimed I was critical of everything he was doing and so on.

The culmination of all of this was that WH went to a gay bar with his siblings and met someone. He says nothing happened that night. He got AP's number, talked to them that week and set up a time and day to meet, where he went and had casual, pre-planned sex with AP. To be clear, I am in a heterosexual marriage. WH was previously open about having experimented (had sex) with a man as a young adult, so I was aware and accepted his bisexuality. I also assumed since he had experimented before that he knew he wanted to be with me, and deciding on his sexual identity wouldn't be an issue.

WH told me about a week and a half after it happened. He claims he never would have told me, except I was worried about my physical health (possible STI). When I asked him to confirm it couldn't possibly be an STI, he confessed.

That being said, I'm struggling mightily now. We had a (long term) trip planned before his infidelity came out. I spent a week apart from him, almost decided on divorce, but at the last minute decided to try the trip anyways. Now we're in a foreign country and I've booked (early) return flights for a week and a half out. WH knows I'm deciding if I'll stay in this marriage or go. Since I first mentioned the possibility of divorce he's been trying to do everything he can to win me back. He says he knows he only wants to be with me, that it was a mistake and he knew he just wanted to be with me afterwards. I made what I now consider the mistake of telling him I think he could have BPD. WH has latched onto that as part of his identity and (to my mind) is using that as an excuse/reasoning for his transgression. The thing is, he cheated (many times) in his previous marriage. So it seems like a pattern.

I appreciate his efforts, but I don't know if I can really ever trust him again. Trust has always been incredibly difficult for me.

I've been having physical symptoms from my anxiety (nausea and headaches), which is very unlike me.

I'm still deciding what to do, but in the moments I feel the most clarity, I feel I should leave. I've been in bad relationships (not marriages) in the past, with cheating involved, and it wasn't something I ever felt I really could get over.

I'm also struggling because I'm afraid of going it alone, I don't want to hurt my children (as a daughter of divorced parents myself), I'm afraid of whether WH will hurt himself (given his suicidal tendencies), and honestly, I do still love him.

Any advice or thoughts are much appreciated.

19 comments posted: Friday, August 11th, 2023