Should I leave or is this cowardice talking?

Hi guys, first post here. I am the wayward spouse, I won't go into detail as I don't think it's particularly relevant to this. Also just wanted to preface this by saying I am absolutely not trying to use the following as any kind of excuse/reason for cheating. It's totally unrelated, and just something that I've started considering after our relationship changed due to my cheating. I am aware that it will come across as cold, so I apologise if any BS' wonder here and read this.

Just as a pretext, I'm in my mid thirties now and I haven't done a lot with my life. I got kinda stuck in a low paying job for way too many years, and me starting to earn a bit more money actually coincided with my relationship starting, which then led to marriage. I basically wasted my 16-26 years doing nothing meaningful other than drinking with friends.

So DDay was about 4 months ago. I love my wife and our family, which also includes her child from another relationship, that I have essentially raised from about a year old. Since Dday, obviously things have changed a lot. I am racked with guilt over what I have done to my wife, and how devastated she is. She is a self respecting woman, so obviously expects a lot from me to try and fix this if she is going to stay together. I have been trying to do the work, some periods have been better than others as my effort levels fluctuate. This is in terms of efforts to try and help her heal and feel better and do the things she has asked me for. I struggle with making a sustained effort all of the time. In terms of safety, I have given her full access to my phone (though I admit to getting annoyed when she looks at it, though I try to hide and internalise this as I know it's my past habits creating anxiety/paranoia around it), I haven't watched any porn since the boundary was set a little after Dday (I do admit my porn use had been going from manageable to a problem which didn't help with my issues). After trickle truthing for a while, I have stopped lying and make an active effort to be completely honest both with anything she asks me and proactively, though I have not told her about these feelings. I am going to therapy, although the frequency has had to be reduced due to cost. We have had quite a lot of big arguments in which I am told to find another place to live, only for this to be changed a day or 2 later, which is I guess to be expected.

The problem is, after being made to confront the possibility of leaving and being on my own, I started considering the fact that it may not be a bad thing. There's obviously the thought of how hard I am finding doing the work, plus the fact that the relationship will never be the same, and I would understandably never have a high level of freedom ever again. I also find myself thinking of how freeing I would find being on my own, and getting the chance to do things I wouldn't otherwise get to, such as travel, going to watch sports regularly, play more video games etc. I also struggle with understanding why she wants to stay, and struggling to see a bright and happy future together (for both of us, not just me). I can't help but think she will be miles better off without me dragging her down, being selfish, and just all round being a bad partner plus the paranoia she will no doubt always feel about my fidelity. And I know with 100% certainty that she can do a lot better than me.

That said, I do really love her and I find myself thinking things like "well I wouldn't ever want to be in a relationship with anybody else" and despite my infidelity suggesting otherwise, I was always happy in our marriage and with my life. We also did split for about a year a while ago, and I was distraught the entire time. So I'm also trying to look at the bigger picture, and I think I could just be suffering from a case of "the grass is greener" thinking, as she has told me in the past that I tend to focus on the negative and what is missing rather than the positive and what we have, and I know this is true. It's probably also mixed up in what I'm increasingly starting to think might be some level of mid life crisis.

So I guess I'm just looking for some thoughts/advice. I'm having a hard time figuring out whether this is something I actually want, or if this is just me trying to look for the easy way out, and running away from the work and being accountable. Running away from the consequences of my actions. I also struggle with the guilt of not only what I've done, but also the fact I am feeling this way. Does the fact that I am not 100% committed to doing the work for her mean I should let her go for her own sake? The last thing I want to do is hurt her more than I already have.

I removed the stop sign just simply because I don't want to hide away from any scorn, and think some hard truths may actually be beneficial to me. I do just want to mention thought that I recognise this post probably seems to lack emotion. If I tried to go through everything it would probably be a mile long (and it's already a long one!) so I've tried to just present it as logically as I can.

10 comments posted: Thursday, September 14th, 2023