Wife cheated on me 9 month ago and we've been miserable

Well, this is my first time to share what I've been through.And the time-lining is pretty long, so I am gonna write whatever comes to mind.

We started our relationship in 2017, and we got married July of 2022. During these 5 years we'd been through a lot. Many heartbroken fights and many sweet times. Among all of the fights, a real devastating one for her was that me telling her I might be homosexual, which I figured out later I am not. But since then she couldn't trust me and take me as gay.I admit that this was a huge strike for her, turned her world upside down. Whenever I have a contact with any male, for her I am going to sleep with that guy or having thoughts about it.Before that, it was females, no matter any age. And we are both convinced that her insecureness was because of her unhappy childhood.

We were both white-collars when we first got together. After half year, we wanted to have our own business and opened up a restaurant. We were really excited and had a little success on our tiny business. After a year, she went back to workplace and I kept running our business. It was August of 2019 when I hurt her with my BS, later at the end of that year COVID happened and our business started going down. But I still managed to keep it alive till the summer of 2022 and got a job for myself as well(Restaurant still running). During those 3 years, she was heartbroken and I was suffering her endless accusing and verbal violence.

After two months, I had to go for a business trip overseas for more than a month, which was the time that she cheated on me.

She started a new job after our marriage(got the offer before the wedding). And her new job became my nightmare. So she met this guy at her new job, whom she thought funny and knowledgeable and helped her with getting on track with the new working environment. And later on disgusting things happened between them.

After I came back from my business trip I found out our rental apartment was tidy and decorated, which really surprised me, because she never does houseworks and I was doing most of it. Later on I found out some clues that she might cheated on me while I was away and I confronted her. But she was crying and denying. So I trusted her and let it go. It was the beginning of last December.

So on new year's eve, we went out for shopping and planned to go to someplace nice for dinner. Well, that was the day I found out what was going on. She was trying some clothes while I accidentally came across their chat history on her phone. The devastating thing was she seemed so happy with me on that day and dressed up real nice. But at the same time she was sending her picture with black stockings to him and talking nasty with him. I was shocked, really didn't know what to do. And I confronted her again, but she said it was just flirty talks, nothing more happened between them. I was furious and told her lets get a divorce and packed my stuff and went to a hotel.I really didn't know what to do. It was a sleepless night, and the thought of going to her company to reveal the truth to everyone came across my mind and I told her that thought, she was begging me not to do so.

So the next day, I came back to have her tell me all the truth. It was the first day of this year. She insisted that nothing happened between them, it was just flirting and was going nowhere. But the chat history convinced me so much more happened. Since then, I started endless interrogation about the truth and details and endless searching of prove. And btw, he was a really nothing guy, not holding bias to body shape, but he is 160cm tall and according to her search online, tiny genital size and terrible in bed.

I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep for many days. And she moved out to a hotel because she was afraid of me hurting her.

And on 4th of January, I got drunk and started crying, and sent a crying video of me to her and then she came back home. I was devastated and broken and ended up hitting her, left some bruises on her face. Which I regretted so much later on. For the next one week she totally refused to come back home and stayed in a hotel. Later on we had some calm conversations and she came back home. After that we had few kinda peaceful days, having some deep conversations. But it was not a let go for me. And I went through her phone again, where I found more disgusting truth. Again, she denied.

So the time came to February, after my endless confrontation and proves, she finally admitted that she slept with him ,but saying it was only once, which obviously was a lie. And her explanation was she was hurt and couldn't feel my love for her. And at the same time was a revenge for what I had done to her.

Feels like it's been so complicated between us. Nowadays, so many things remind me the terrible sh**ts happened. For example, when I see black stockings, I experience all the pain all over again.

She claims that she cut him of her life and keep being with me and have a happy future together. But all the trauma is hunting me everyday.

And along the way, I had no one to talk about it. That is why I wrote this long today.

Feeling a bit relieved now.

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Wel l, I came back here after another 10 months.

I was on a business trip in another country from the end of October to the beginning of December last year, so I returned to my city in December. During this time, my wife had a minor surgery, and I was waiting outside. She changed her phone password, but she didn't know I had added my face recognition unlock to her phone. So, I went through her phone again and found out she was in contact with the AP (affair partner) again. His wife had a baby, and they were going through a divorce, so he reached out to my wife to share his suffering. She fell for him again, having all kinds of deep conversations.

She had this "counselor" who is a total ahole, telling her it's her right to pursue her own happiness while she was sharing what was going on with me and her AP. There were messages to this ahole saying that her AP was going to bars, getting drunk every day, and she was getting jealous, saying, "Though I do not have the right to worry about this, what if he picks up other women in the bar?" This douchebag "helped" us during DDays, kind of being the middleman to help us reconcile, of course, he was getting paid. So, I went out of the hospital to call him and told him to stay the hell out of our marriage. I confronted her when she was out (it was a minor surgery, no big deal). I didn't tell her what I had found out, just asked her, "Have you been seeing him again?" She denied immediately, so I told her everything I had discovered and told her I wanted a divorce. She started crying, telling me how empty and sad she felt during those days, and so on.

For me, this was the same or worse than going through all the pain from the first time. So, I insisted on getting a divorce. She totally collapsed, wrote a will telling her therapist and me that she didn't want to live anymore. We had a therapy session together, where the therapist asked her to confess all the details from the beginning, and I asked her tons of questions. She admitted she had lied about some details before, and it took 3 hours. Well, the therapist actually helped us keep going with our marriage. I asked my wife to have her AP meet with me. I just wanted to see what kind of person he is, how he looks, and to see the chemistry between them and the fear and embarrassment on his face. I've been telling her this would help with the reconciliation. In this way, I'll come to closure and let it go. But she's saying they contacted each other through a workplace app, she doesn't have his phone number, and they don't work in the same office. She left a lot of messages on the app, he read them but did not reply. So now she's saying she can't find a way to arrange this meeting.

Nowadays, we have good and bad days. She's been considerate and caring, but all the pain comes back to me over and over, which leads me to forcing her to arrange the meeting. We plan on having a baby on good days, but I don't want to bring all this pain and these problems into the next chapter of our lives (being parents).

15 comments posted: Tuesday, August 29th, 2023