Looking for outside guidance and advice on rebuilding trust
Just going to give some background to start this post off:
My wife is F 30, I am M 32, we have been married for almost 10 years, and have two children together.
Ever since my second child was born in 2018, our marriage started to become a little rocky, she had some postpartum depression, she barely wanted to have sex with me, which I told her was important to me, I even told her it felt like she didn't even find me attractive anymore. This in turn I feel like started to ruin my mental health and made me distant which leads into everything that happens next. It seemed like anytime we would spend some time together there would be a little argument, sometimes bigger arguments. But I also wasn't being the most supportive husband either, I would put things off, or not always be as helpful as I could with the children. My wife had hinted and tried to advise me sometimes here or there during disagreements, but the problem is I grew up in a household with a lot of bickering and arguing, so in a way I was immune and thought it was normal. A few times in the past two years she used the D word, my mother also used this word frequently to my father, hence why it didn't faze me when she said it.
Getting into the next part, middle of December 2022, my wife called me at work, and we got into a disagreement about parenting the children, how I am too hard on them, etc. I came home from work early to have a discussion with her. We talked, and she stated she can't do this anymore, I also had noticed her guy coworkers texting her more frequently (she does have a job where she needs to communicate with them, but it seemed excessive) so I ended up going through her work phone, needless to say I found quite a bit of flirting back and forth between her and two guys mainly. I brought this up in our conversation and the response from her was that she hasn't felt like we are married for the past year, and it seems like we are just coasting and thats it. I told her that I felt like this was a wake up call for me to make a change, so I started counseling, and tried to just be a better person in general and it felt great. Things between us felt a little better but it still seemed off, we agreed to let her change her work phone passcode due to me snooping, and she promised to tell the co workers enough is enough and that she is married.
First week of Janurary 2023, I woke up at about midnight due to needing to use the bathroom, my wife was next to me in bed, I look at our phones on the nightstand and notice a message on FB messenger. Mind you no one messages us ever, barely. I thought that was weird so I proceeded to look at it (I know I'm in the wrong here, but bad gut feelings) its one of her co workers that she had been flirting with and they were friends on FB too, the message she had sent him was basically please delete the topless picture i sent you, and then it was still a bunch of sexual talk back and forth, him talking about doing things to her, he also had sent her a picture of his package.
Needless to say I couldnt remain calm and immediately blew up, the jist is that basically she felt like I wasnt giving her the attention she needed and thats why she resorted to finding it somewhere else, she also stated it had been going on since August and that she didnt even feel we were married at that point, and was planning to leave me at the beginning of the year. She stated that they only exchanged one picture each a topless one of her and his package, and alot of the conversation was just him saying stuff and her agreeing, she stated she just liked the attention and doesnt even find him attractive and nothing physical every came or would have. I agreed that we could work on things and stated that her passcodes needed to be ones i knew, and that she needed to text him telling him enough, and that if i catch it anything from him again im telling his wife. She sent me the text she sent him which was good and straight to the point and everything seemed good going forward.
It was a struggle for me moving forward, I didnt know if i should be blaming myself for where we were or blaming and being mad at her, I struggled alot of days but managed to push ahead. A few weeks later, i caught her talking on the work phone with the co worker i caught the conversation through our cameras in our home, it wasnt technically a "bad" conversation but there was some laughing and stuff and she stated that hes a bad influence on her, and that she would expose his picture if he did anything with hers. I confronted her, she stated it was a meaningless phone call and I was overreacting, it didnt mean anything. She said she felt the cameras were an invasion of privacy which we had awhile prior to this just for security. I took them down.
Fast forward a few months everything seemed good, didnt appear she was talking to the co worker anymore, I did want her to remove him on FB but she said that would be childish and petty, but i told her anything online says you should eliminate all contact with the emotional affair party. So she stayed friends with him on FB and still is, but around march or april, I checked her work phone, nothing from the main offending co worker just work talk which is normal, but the other co worker she flirted a little previously with, liked to make sexual comments, my wife agreed to inform me of any sexual remarks. She had told him he needed to finish his work and he said something like you can make me finish with some suggestive emojis, her response did seem to ignore what he said. But I hinted around it to her like asking if anyone says sexual things to her etc, and saying i feel like they still do, she said no. Then i tell her i looked at her phone and that this co worker said sexual things, she said she didnt take it that way and just ignores him cause hes annoying.
After that everything seemed good again for awhile, i checked her phone periodically and nothing seemed off (yes without her permission, i know this is wrong). Until just a week ago, we got into an argument first time in awhile, she sent me a suggestive picture the following morning saying i took this for you, and thought i looked good but you didnt say anything to me last night, mind you she was being mean and grumpy that night. I eased over the conversation with her, but when i got home i checked her personal phone and seen she had sent the image to her work phone. I asked her if that picture was only sent to me and she said yes, I tried prying the truth out but finally had to tell her i knew it went to her work phone, she said yeah i sent it to myself but didn't send it to anyone, so she didn't feel like it needed to be said to me, she said that it felt bad when i didn't compliment her and that's why she initially sent it to her work phone but then decided not to do anything and delete it.
After all that here we are, the trust in our marriage is a huge issue, we get along great now, we go on dates regularly, sex is excellent and often, we laugh and have fun, dont argue. But, she feels like im always watching her or looking at her stuff, mind you shes on our family icloud so i can see her location too. Yet I feel hurt that even small things it feels like i never fully get the truth or the truth is stretched and blamed on me somehow. How do we rebuild trust in this situation, that makes both of us feel safe? Sorry for the long post I just wanted to give as much detail as possible, thanks in advance.
45 comments posted: Saturday, September 16th, 2023
