Still figuring it out.
Was attempting R.But now seeing D lawyer.
Me BS 51 WH 63 DD 24 June 2023Disclosure 25 - 26 JuneTT July to November. Then March this year.Lifelong severe porn addiction descending into subjects I find abhorrentMarried 24 ye

It's over, isn’t it

I haven't posted before, although I've been reading and using advice from other people’s stories for months.
I don't (think) my WH has ever had a PA but has worn me down for 24 yrs with a vile, obsessive pornography addiction that just got worse and worse. Constant broken promises to change.
Lied and lied and reduced me to a shell of shattered self esteem.
He became obsessed with "teen" pornography.
Makes me want to vomit typing that word.
He didn't even stop when our then teenaged daughter found his search history.
June 24 last year, after he'd already ruined out trip of a lifetime with his sullen, moody behaviour, I saw something on his phone and broke into a million pieces. He was desperate not to divorce, went straight into IC and was a changed man for about 6 months.
Then the mask began to slip and he's said some terrible, cruel things including on the anniversary of our sons death.
I kicked him out for a couple of weeks but let him back on promises of change.
All this time I've been utterly traumatised. The rage, tears and repulsion just pours out and he's not coping with me. I can't hold it in. I don't sleep. I've isolated myself completely. Fortunately the children are adults, out of home.
I'm in IC (already was because of other trauma) and doing EMDR.
I just can't pull myself out of this breakdown. I've never been so mentally sick in my life.
That's the long background to what happened yesterday.
I was in an absolute trauma spiral. He lost his cool spectacularly and there was toxic verbal aggression on both sides. Then he loomed over me right in my face and wouldn't move.
He's much bigger than me and it was like I was back in my first marriage which was full of DV.
Something kicked in and I said, in a weirdly calm voice "if you touch me, I'll smash your face in"
He lost it and packed up his stuff, yelling he was going to divorce me because I'm horrible.
I (stupidly) followed him to his study where he was packing. I was just so furious at the irony that HE was leaving me. All along he's promised he wouldn't do this.
And then he pushed me. Not hard, i don't have injuries apart from a sore arm and shoulder.
But he's never laid hands on me before.
Then he went. When I told him by txt he'd hurt me, he replied "unlikely" when he knows I never lie.
I'm home alone. Been up all night.
I don't think I can ever get over his disgusting sexual acting out, the cold and dismissive way he's treated me for years (including not sleeping with me for a 7 year period)
But I've been trying SO hard.For 13 months. It's out silver wedding anniversary in two weeks ffs.
But now he's laid hands on ne, that's it isn't it? He's not safe emotionally or mentally and now not physically.
If I had a dollar for every apology and promise I'd be a rich woman.
Divorce is going to mean penury for me.
I can't work due to disability.
I don't know what I want from this long post (there's so much more I could add)
Just a kick up the ass or a kind word. Anything so I don't feel so alone. I'm in pieces.

17 comments posted: Friday, July 26th, 2024

Separation. How do you cope?

My H left on Saturday after assaulting me. I thought I was mainly keeping calm. But this morning, I felt so angry and adrift.
I took all the his personal possessions and photos of him and stacked them in his office.
And it was only as I pulled his darts out of the board to shut the cabinet, I absolutely broke down.
I'm ignoring his msgs again. He txt yesterday to ask how I went at the psychiatrist, was I ok? Etc
I told him I was on antidepressants again and he responded "that's terrible, you must feel awful"
I said it doesn't help that my shoulder still hurts.
"That's no good" was the reply and I lost it.
All the times I've covered up his vile behaviour. Like when I had to stop specialist historic Child SA counselling because I mentioned his pornography and she started asking a lot of questions. Said she'd have to report to her supervisor if I thought anything was illegal.
I never went back out of fear. Nine years ago.
Because you don't EVER know if the girls on the screen are underage, do you?? Which I screamed at him multiple times over the years.
Until he fooled me that he'd stopped.
I'm so ashamed of myself.
It clearly didnt even faze him.
Not a pause for thought that I couldn't have my counselling.
I said in my txt last night: Do you remember that? And now I'm covering up for you again aren't I? I've only bought over the counter pain meds and not reported you.
His response "I know. Thankyou "
I've told him not to contact me again.
I have a D lawyer appointment next week.
So why am i sobbing and wishing he were here? He's been in my life since I was 19.
How did everyone else cope with the early shock??

6 comments posted: Thursday, July 25th, 2024