Today

Today is our 24th wedding anniversary.

It all just seems so …. hollow.

He’s trying and things have been good recently. Then today comes and I feel so incredibly stupid for still being with a man who could so easily throw our marriage away for sex.

3 comments posted: Tuesday, July 23rd, 2024

First Post

Hey all – first time poster. Not happy to be a new member of this club, but grateful to have found this site.

WH (48) and I (BS-45) have been married for 23 years (together for 26) and we have two kids (10, 17). I’ve loved him more than half my life and he was my best friend. I really thought we were the ones that were going to share the rest of our lives together, happily.

D-Day was last Thursday. My WH has been paying escorts for sex.

I always knew he was in to porn. While not my thing, personally, it didn’t bother me that he liked to watch it. A few years ago I accidentally busted him for going to a strip club (he had handed me his phone to put an address in to Google maps and the last spot he had searched for – a strip club – was still in the search bar.) I was really upset. He didn’t see the difference between the club and porn (and I know a lot of people don’t), but it made me uncomfortable and I told him I didn’t want him to go. He promised me he wouldn’t and said he didn’t know it would upset me so much.

Also around that time, there had been a definite shift in WH. I could tell he was super stressed with work and his job does make a work/life balance difficult, but we’ve always made it work. He became moody, snippy with the kids and wasn’t patient at all (NOT his normal self). I would try to bring it up to him, but he would get defensive and I would drop it. I convinced myself that he was just stressed and I was just being paranoid.

Then came a "boys trip" he insisted on going on with a friend who I had never even heard him speak about. He told me it was someone he used to work with, who had just gone through a really bad divorce and was needing a fun weekend. I was shocked since this trip was just out of the blue and when I asked him more about this friend he was super dodgey and defensive about it. He went on the trip and my gut feel was saying something was all wrong. I looked through his computer/email and found nothing out of the ordinary. When he got home, I snuck his phone and went through it – again, found nothing and he DID have photos of him and this friend on the trip, as well as a text from the friend thanking him for coming and that it was a great to hang out together. I – again – convinced myself I was just being paranoid.

Ever since then, there would be times where my gut just me something was off. There would be times he wouldn’t answer the phone and when I would try to track him (our whole family share our locations with each other) and his location couldn’t be found. I asked him about a few times, and he always just acted confused and said he didn’t know why it was saying his location couldn’t be found – must have been to being in a spot with low service, or something just not working right in the phone. Again, I told myself I was just being paranoid.

That brings us to D-Day. He had gone out of town for one night (he travels a lot for work – this is common) and I had missed his call earlier in the night due to shuffling our youngest kid from activities. When we got home, I tried to call him (twice) but he didn’t answer. When he did call me back, I could tell he was outside and asked him where he was. He was super vague and said he had just gotten dinner (this was 9:00 at night). My gut told me it was a lie, so when we got off the phone, I immediately tracked him and briefly saw he was at a place that sounded like it might be a strip club, but then the location was suddenly lost and I couldn’t reload it (he clearly switched his location sharing to off probably at that time). BUT I had gotten a glimpse of it, so I looked it up and I was right – it was a strip club. I don’t know why, but something told me to check the computer, too. I looked through his recently closed tabs thinking it would pull up some kind of a strip club search or something so I could use that when I confronted him about going to the club again – but what I found was a gmail account that I didn’t even know he had. It opened and while at first look all of the messages were nothing concerning (mostly junk mail) I went through all of the folders and that’s when I found it. He had gotten a google voice number and I guess it sends copies of text exchanges to the gmail account associated with the voice number. I saw him agreeing to prices, addresses and room numbers of hotels, even a "Thanks, that was fun!" response. There was no questioning what it all meant – it was laid out in black and white. I took pictures of everything.

I called him back and confronted him. He tried to play dumb, but while on the phone I texted him a few of the photos I had taken of the conversations and he just went silent. I hung up. I then proceeded to rip the house apart and found his stash of condoms. He must have left right then, because he was home several hours later (he wasn’t due home until the afternoon the next day). I told him I saw everything, threw his condoms at him and broke down. I then went to our bedroom. He later came in, but laid down on the floor next to the bed.

We finally talked the next day. He owned up to it and kept telling me he was sorry. He told me he would do anything to save our marriage. I could have him install any app/etc. on his phone that I wanted to track/copy text/etc., I had full access to his phone/computer any time and he wanted me ask him anything, anytime. We continued to talk over the weekend. He keeps telling me he’s sorry. He always answers my questions. He’s never once blamed anything on me/our relationship and says he knows he’s the one at fault. I told him I needed to know EVERYTHING if there was any hope of us staying together. He says it was two escorts. He doesn’t remember how many total times, but he’s "Sure it was no more than five times." (I have no idea how he could claim to not know how many times, but be so sure it wasn’t more than five) He admits it first started right before the boys trip I wrote about above. He says he wore condoms every time. He even fessed up to becoming addicted to vaping (so NOT in his nature – I mean even back in the day in college, this was like the one guy in the bar who wouldn’t at least socially smoke)and said he’s been trying to quit. He said he knows that at this point there no reason to lie or hide anything from me, so he might as well be completely open.

That bring us to now. I’m going to my doc tomorrow for STD testing. He’s finding/booking a appt. with a therapist this week. He deleted the google voice app and understands that there is to be no contact at all with any escorts– not even for just pictures/videos (which he had also been paying for). I know I need therapy as well. I had what I think was a panic attack Saturday. I’m a roller coaster of emotions and keep jumping from one phase of the grief/loss process to another.

My mind tells me to leave. My heart tells me not to let a hooker blow up our marriage/family. I’m just trying to keep my shit together for my kids. I’m SO f’ing tired.

10 comments posted: Monday, October 23rd, 2023