New to the community of the broken hearted

Hello Everyone. This is my first post. I am not ecstatic to be put in the place to be here, but I am glad that SI exists and there is a community of support. I "accidentally" found out that my spouse was cheating on Tuesday night when I came across her texts to the "blank." It had been going on for awhile, but for how long, I don't know. I was simply expecting to see Halloween pumpkin pics. I don't think I like pumpkins anymore, It was the worst day of my life and since then I have been living in a cloudy haze of confusion and a roller coaster of emotions. I haven't been able to sleep much. I don't cry much, but I haven't been angry much either. I have been blah, staring into space.

I confronted her about it almost immediately and asked "Why are you cheating?" Not "are you cheating." It was obvious from the messages. Of course she denied everything, but there was no denying it. Details that I read about in the messages, I posed back in the form of a question. I don't think I want to repeat any of it now, but lets say it pertained to their future. She denied it each time, but each time I insisted I already knew from reading the messages. She said I wasnt reading them in "context." I told her the context was pretty clear. She is lying about every detail. I pulled her phone records and I couldn't believe how much they had been communicating. I feel like an idiot for not knowing. The answer to the question "why?" was "you know I have been unhappy for years now." I didn't know. I thought things were good. I asked why she didn't tell me she was unhappy and she said that I thought I knew. How can I? She never told me. I am so confused. I feel stupid.

I have scheduled a test for STDs with our family doctor. It was both scary, enpowering, embarassing. I go next week. I also changed my emergency contact information because I figure she doesn't have my best interests at heart in the case of an emergency. Ideas that I gathered from here. But, now I am stuck. I just don't know what to do next. I don't feel like going out in public to avoid the: "Oh, where is x?" "How is x doing?" et cetera. I work from home, so that is a blessing but makes me feel even dumber as I should have known. When does the numbness stop? I can't even think straight, like I am forgetting everything simple. I find myself staring at the wall.

107 comments posted: Wednesday, November 1st, 2023