I’m paralyzed and don’t know what to do.
I posted earlier this month. My husband left on Nov. 16. I am distraught and paralyzed. Not sure how to proceed. He continues being ambiguous: I love you, I don’t want to erase you from my life, I just don’t have energy to put into the relationship right now, I don’t foresee a reconciliation in the near future.
To me it sounds convoluted but I made the decision to accept he doesn’t want to be married anymore. We have talks about D but nothing specific. Right now I’m in distress because I have no income (he had asked me to stay home and he would provide) but now I don’t have income or car and I have to find ways to survive.
I thought of seeking spousal support through legal separation but deep down I still have hopes for reconciliation and fear that this will push him further away.
I miss him enormously. We have been together for 21 years. These first few days without him have been painful. We are not communicating at all because it always ends up in a confrontation.
Does this get better? I am so pained! I want it to be over already even if he doesn’t come back. I just don’t want this pain anymore.
4 comments posted: Sunday, November 26th, 2023
Confused by his messages
About 3 years ago I found out that my husband was having an affair. I had returned from an extended work assignment; this was during COVID. Upon arrival I noticed some detachment but I chalked it off to my being in isolation to make sure I didn’t have COVID. However, once that was done, the issues continued. He told me we were done; I suggested we do couples therapy and he agreed. We completed a questionnaire and a question was about infidelity. He said no. A few days later I was using his computer and a message popped up. It was the woman he was having an affair with. I confronted him and he admitted it but said it was emotional, not physical. That he felt lonely while I was gone and she provided him comfort. Long story short, he left the house and limited contact. At 6 months he came back and we started counseling again. He swore he had left her; but when I asked to see his phone bill as proof, it came up that he was still in contact with her. I was devastated and demanded he made a decision. He said he wanted to stay with me but would not pick up the phone to tell her. I had to do it!
Well, we made the mistake of stopping counseling. We didn’t have the tools to handle the post affair issues. Every so often I would remember and would get so enraged. I always asked why he had done it and he never gave me a straight answer. I felt awful; I was comparing myself to her. My self esteem was depleted.
With time, the confrontations became less frequent. I started individual therapy and began acquiring knowledge about handling conflict and also about infidelity. So my tone changed and I started seeing the infidelity as a crisis in our marriage but not a defining factor.
Imagine my surprise when I started feeling my husband detaching from me again. He wouldn’t hug me or kiss me and we have not been intimate in about 3 months. I immediately suspected he was seeing someone else and asked him but he denies it. He says he loves me but that he has some issues he has to deal with on his own. I try to be understanding but I am suffering too much at both the detachment and the possibility of us getting a divorce. I’ve been crying frequently and it is affecting my job and other responsibilities.
He refuses to go to counseling because of the past experience. I wish he would just be upfront and tell me he wants a divorce. But he just tells me he doesn’t have the energy to work on our marriage. That all the fights accumulated and it brought him to this point. I feel he did not give me the grace I gave him. He is holding me accountable for expressing rage at the infidelity.
He once again told me we were done. At the same time he tells me he loves me. I love him so much but I am confused by his mixed messages. I want and need clarity. I cannot continue like this. I’m not sure how to proceed. 
13 comments posted: Thursday, November 9th, 2023
